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Barbies We Like to See
Barbies We Like to See
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Barbies We Like to See

KINGCROLLKINGCROLL

THE BARBIES WE’D LIKE TO SEE

Recognizing that people come in all shapes and sizes, Mattel created new shapes for Barbie. The new design was received with much acclaim, including the cover of Time magazine. But did Mattel go far enough? I propose that the company did not. Here are my suggestions to bring the tired old toy company into the 21st century.

A small but powerful group, The Tea Party deserves a Barbie of its own. Introducing The Kelly Doll. If you think the old catch phrase of Barbie, “Let’s go shopping,” was vapid, wait till you hear what comes out of the mouth of this one. And tap on it. It’s as hollow as a chocolate Easter bunny.

In honor of all the gains women have made through the years, there is the CMO Mom. She broke through the glass ceiling, and she’ll break your heart. The CMO Mom has it all, two adorable children, a much younger second husband, and an even younger stud assistant. The CMO Mom comes with your choice of a bottle of scotch or a bottle of wine.

Every girl dreams of looking like Barbie, and so does every doll. And this one does. Looking just like the original Barbie but with the help of cosmetic surgery. Introducing Plastic Surgery Barbie. With the help of well-placed plastic, you will be asking who was her surgeon. Price: $10,000.

She’s smart, she’s beautiful, and she works for you. At least that’s what her re-election commercial claims. Senator Barbie at your service. Accessories include thousands of lobbyists and a suitcase of untraceable cash.

The teen years can be a trying time for many, and so too for this Barbie. The Amy Barbie has several scars where she cut herself. A true bonding moment for your child and her doll, the Amy Barbie comes with a bloody razor blade.

Mattel introduced a Barbie with cancer before, but nothing like this one. Meet The Breast Cancer Barbie. Your child can decide if insurance will cover her treatment, and if Barbie should have a mastectomy or keep her breasts and possibly lose her life. A great teaching moment for your child. The Breast Cancer Barbie comes with a scalpel.

Recognizing that the minority is on its way to becoming a majority, Mattel is eager to capture this market.

They cross the Rio Grande, risking their lives so that they can come here to clean your house and care for your child while you shop for the latest fashion. And they are eager to do this for pennies on the dollar. What a proud people. Senorita Barbie comes with a husband who can mow your lawn while your husband watches the ball game on TV.

Black lives matter, and Mattel recognizes this mantra by making Barbie and Ken dolls of dead black people. Trayvor Martin, Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, and Sandra Bland. And the best part is this list is guaranteed to continue growing. The store shelves will be overflowing just like the morgue.

What is it that men value over anything else? Something that no one else has. Introducing The Virgin Barbie. The longer she stays in her box, the more valuable she will become and the more desirable she will become to others. But once you open the box, Virgin Barbie will lose her value and desire from others. Teach your child this confusing dilemma of mankind.

Teach your daughters the secret to keeping a man: handcuffs. The Dominatrix Barbie will have your daughter in complete control of her sex life, something we all want for our 6-years old. Help her become a strong woman by beating others to submission. Accessories include a leather bikini, a whip, handcuffs, and cans of dog food.

And they lived happily ever after. NOT. Prepare your child for the real world with Divorcee Barbie. Help your child learn to get even with her cheating ex. Accessories include a sympathetic female friend, a sleazy lawyer, and half a house.

It’s important to teach your kids that beauty won’t last forever. They might look beautiful at 6 but wait until they hit double digits. It’s all downhill after that. Or is it? Introducing Botox Barbie, and not wanting to appear sexist, Botox Ken. Teach your child that with the help of a paralyzing poison, beauty can last forever. Each doll comes with an injection of Botox, suitable for all the 6-years old out there.

The same advice can be applied to strength as well. Introducing Steroid Ken and Steroid Barbie. Just give the doll an injection between the toes and watch the muscles grow. Your child will be the king, or queen, of the playground. Each doll comes with two injections of human growth hormone. Your child is human, so it’s ok to use. (Possible side effects include bursts of anger and the loss of a testicle).

Over 42 million Americans suffer from some sort of mental illness every year. That’s 18% of the population. Who wouldn’t want to cash in on that? Introducing Mental Illness Barbie: A Barbie or Ken for every mental illness listed in the DSM-5. Depression Barbie, our most popular doll in the category, comes with a dose of Lexapro. Additional doses are available wherever toys are sold. Other dolls include Dementia Barbie, Bi-Polar Ken, Schizophrenic Barbie, Borderline Barbie and Narcissistic Ken. Other popular Barbies are the Anorexic Barbie and Bulimia Barbie, which comes with a toilet. Your child will learn a lot about mental illness as he or she find their way through this complex labyrinth called life.

Another Barbie breakthrough is the brand new Talking Barbie. Mattel introduced a talking Barbie before—who can ever forget “Math is hard,” but this one will be different. Mattel recognizes that kids are smart and wants to prepare them for life after they graduate from the elite colleges. Welcome to the real world kids as Mattel prepares you for your future jobs with such phrases as “Paper or plastic?” “Do you want fries with that?” or my favorite, “Sir, can you spare a quarter?”

Changes are in the works for Ken too. First up, Erect Ken. Move his arm forward and his penis becomes erect. Moving his arm back and forth several times will put a smile on his face. And on your child too.

Mattel is as patriotic as the next company, but recognizes the tragedy of war too. The PTSD Ken reminds kids of the horror of war. PTSD Ken comes with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. Massacred family and assault rifle sold separately.

Foster the young Republican in your child. Teach him or her the beauty of the free market system with Hostile Takeover Ken. Watch him in action as he moves from one corporation to another, downsizing them like locusts in a wheat field. If your child doesn’t cry, then he is truly an American.

We at Mattel are proud of our growth. That is why we are interested in Hasbro. And our first venture with Hasbro is to modify the iconic GI Joe. We want to welcome a new market to our open arms. The transgendered. That is why we are introducing Gender Incognito Joe. One side would be a strong male in camouflage and the other side would be a female in a wedding dress. Recognizing that females are strong too, the dress is made of Graphene, the strongest substance known to man. Since this market is tiny, there will be only a limited run of these action figures so get yours today.

Mattel is proud of these new additions to our line of Barbie. And there is room for growth. Future models include a colonial era black Ken in which you get 3/5 of a doll or a homeless Ken that comes with a cup with 5 pennies and a foul odor. We will explore and exploit the human condition to help make Mattel the company you would be proud to be a part of.

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KINGCROLL
KINGCROLL
About This Story
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Posted
1 Oct, 2018
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