“I look up from the ground”
Looking up into your eyes was horrible… Watching you try to find something to say. I finally got the nerves to stop staring at my feet and look up at you. Just in time to catch your broken expression.
“You look away from me”
I watched as you looked up at the sky instead of speaking. Was i really that hard to talk to? Or was it really that bad?
“something you're trying to hide”
You wouldn’t let me see your expression after that. Knowing i could read it and immediately know what was wrong. But what was so bad that I couldn’t know? Surely you were overthinking… right? Nothing was that bad. After all… you loved me and i loved you… we could tell each other anything… right?
“I reach for your hand but it's cold, You pull away”
That was odd… you never pull away when i try to touch you… what happened? I try to get you to meet my gaze. You look away again. “Please…” i whisper. You finally look at me. And you look as though you’ve given up.
“you made a dumb mistake You start to tremble and your voice begins to break You say the cigarettes on the counter weren't your friend's They were my mate's”
You look at me. “I am so sorry… I made a mistake… and I-I don't know how to fix it…” Your voice trembles and breaks as you hold back tears.
“Tell me… it’s alright…” I whisper.
“Remember the other day when you found that lipstick on the counter and asked me about it? And i told you they were my sister’s?” You say, a single tear streaking down your face. I nod mutely. “It wasn't… it was your best friend’s… she had come over and we were playing around… and we-we kissed… and it went farther than it was supposed to… not that it was supposed to happen! It wasn't! But it happened and i feel so bad about it…” You’re rambling. Unable to stop talking. While i stand there unable to make a single noise. Finally you look away from me.
“I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be alright”
I feel so cold. Like i’m freezing… but yet my neck and chest are burning. And it hurts. It hurts SO BAD. i can’t breathe. I hear my breath wheezing out of me. Hot trails burning down my cheeks. You don’t notice. I hear my blood rushing in my ears. My feet move of my own accord and i'm suddenly running. I’m running so fast i can’t see where i'm going. It’s all instinct. It’s like i'm running from my breaking heart. But i fail. I collapse to the ground outside my apartment building. Suddenly you’re next to me. Helping me to my feet and guiding me inside. You lay me on the couch. I listen to you packing your things in silence. My hands are shaking. My face is on fire. My eyes are too wet. My chest… oh god… it hurts so bad. I just want to DIE. My heart feels like it's shattering into thousands of peices and i can't stop it and i'm begging you to stay but you keep packing and i realize that i am still making no sound. My mouth is moving and the words are there and tears are going down my face and i'm thinking stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop… But it doesn't and i wartch you take your keys off the ring and leave and…
“I still look back at all the messages you'd sent… it was fucking with my head”
I scroll through my phone a few days later. Looking at all the texts between us. And all the times you’d told me you loved me. And all the times you’d been bored and sent me selfies at work or at school or while watching movies. And suddenly i'm screaming. Screaming that it wasn't fair and that you should never have cheated on me and that this is all your fault and you’re not there and i can't stop screaming and then i'm crying and suddenly i'm calling your number and you don't pick up and then it's over and i throw my phone against the wall.
“it's not the fact that you kissed him yesterday It's the feeling of betrayal that i just can’t seem to shake”
A few months later I am in the local pub, drinking shots with the rest of our friends when you walk in. I freeze and watch you. Your eyes glide right over me as the bartender leans over the counter towards you. I expect you to turn her down and walk over to us, after all, i know you saw us, we are your friends, after all. But you don’t you lean in and kiss her. Right in front of me. As if you don’t care that i'm watching you. And then i realize… you never saw me. You didn’t even notice me. And that stings and i can’t help but wonder if she was still kissing you when me and you were together and the betrayal hurts.
“It's gonna hurt for a bit of time. So bottoms up, let's forget tonight. You'll find another and you'll be just fine“
Our friends notice what i'm watching and buy me more shots, telling me i didn't deserve you and that i will find someone better and that i need to just forget you. But how do i forget the one person who made me feel special? How do you forget the person you love more than anything? How do you forget the person that made you so happy? How do you forget the only thing that matters? How do you forget?
***************************************************Three years later*****************************************************************
I’m saying my vows to my fiance. You walk in. Suddenly everything changes. You’re looking at me and i can see love in your eyes and you’re objecting to this marriage and telling me you love me and suddenly i'm running again. But i'm running TO you instead of FROM you. And i'm in your arms and we’re kissing and somehow i know. Everything’s going to be different now. This is gonna work out.
“It’ll be alright”