He was the guy i’d never look twice at, the kind of guy i stayed away from. We always do dumb things when were bored. we all need distractions, he was mine. I had no idea the distraction would become the thing I needed to be distracted from. Not for the reasons you’d think, not because I fell in love with him, or I miss him, but because I miss myself, from before him.
He was the type to tell you everything he thought you wanted to hear, even if that meant lying to your face. He was the type to tell you his life story before you even knew his middle name. He was the type who gave you everything, just so he could take it away.
He gave you attention, He gave you what you thought you wanted, what you thought you needed.
He wasn’t even your type, You didn’t get butterflies when he touched you, You didn’t get that feeling. But you got some kind of feeling. The feeling that someone wanted you, it didn’t matter who. But sometimes when you looked at him, you had to look away, because another feeling took its place. It was an odd feeling of discust, was it with yourself, for how low youve stooped, or was it something else?
As time went on, he wanted you to much, but he also wanted the other girls, to kiss and touch. Thats kind of confusing isnt it, someone telling you, they only want you even when you give them the choice to have more, someone begging you to stay, just for them to turn around and push you away.
It’s exhausting, a never ending cycle. they mess up, you ask them why, they say “I didn’t mean to lie.” Then he always started to cry, “please, I know i’m such a messed up person, I know, dont leave me i’ll do better, I swear.” How can you do better when you dont even care?
you tell them over and over again, your doing nothing but hurting me. You kept trying, because you know what it felt like to be left, because you, yourself are nothing but a mess.
After the first couple lies, you started to turn the hurt, into anger. You would tell him to leave, tell him he’s nothing compared to you, he’s worthless. You wanted him to feel the way you felt every time another lie surfaced. He would say “I know, I need you, your so much better than I am, I don’t deserve you.” after a while you’d apologize, “I’m sorry, I was just hurt.” The things you’d say, they didnt work. He still didn’t see what you’re worth.
you met his friends, oh how he was just like them. They all had no personality but sleeping with girls, doing drugs and acting hard. They filled the car night after night, with different girls, and different bottles of booze. Its okay though, what did they have to lose? They all do things to hurt people, mostly the girls who sat inside that car. clueless. I saw how it was, How they lied to them saying “your the only one.” One of the guys is even about to have a son.
The bottles got passed around, and you drank until you couldnt feel your fingertips, thats the only time you felt attracted to his lips. He knew this, because everytime u got angry you’d make sure he knew it, most of the time he still blew it. He would let his friends disrespect you like they knew you, and when youd ask him why, he acted shy. “I thought you had it covered.” what goes on in his head, you wondered.
You’d go through his phone, most of the time finding nothing, but you had a gut feeling that turned into something. He’d slip up, forget to delete a text, put names in his phone backwards and then get mad and gaslight you when you found out. He thought it was okay to be friends with people he’s kissed, he thought it was okay to punch walls when he was pissed. He’d throw things, youd scream at him begging him to stop, he knew what you had been through, but you had to be HIS rock.
It seemed as though you treated him bad, because no one was there in the real fights we had. Everytime we fought, it was over a lie. A lie that he told but somehow your the bad guy. He started getting a little to close in those fights, Started grabbing your arms a little to tight. He’d do things that scared you, he knew it did to. Did it change, no it just grew.
You’d tell him you hated him, you wish you never met him, he’d say I hope you dont mean that, I wish I didn’t to. But i’ve never wished harder on anything, then wishing I never met you.
Every night when youd climb off your balcony, he’d wait for you at the bottom. And every night you got more tired of climbing. More tired of seeing him there at the bottom. You dreaded the fights you knew were coming, You dreaded having to act like you felt something.
Just leave, is what they all say. Just leave and it will all be okay. you tried to leave day after day, there he was begging u to stay. you stopped crying in front of him, you stopped feeling bad when he would tell you “everyone leaves.” but after the last lie, you could no longer try, its the end now, right...? He’d spam your phone, call you time after time when you explained to him that it enrages you, to just give you space. Over and over again, Like I said, Never ending cycle.
So you left. You’d text him, at first, to make sure he missed you, because he doesnt get to move on, he doesnt get to be okay. and on your birthday, you call him, and later that night you see his face, waiting for you at the bottom of the balcony. You climb it. and act like everythings okay. he call’s you somehing hes never called you before. “Don’t call me that, you thats what you call your other girls, i’m sure.” “I swear its not because of that.” He argued, then you went through his phone and your were right again. Another lie, so fast, and for why? who knew Something so simple, could make you cry. you tell him to take you home, he throws a fit and slams a door in your face on the way out, you fix your hair as you hear him shout.
Every night, you’d climb that balcony once again, youd drink more, smoke more, the nights were long, you either couldnt wait for them to end, or just wanted to never have to go back into bed. lie after lie, fight after fight, you still stayed. what a mistake you made. you started feeling empty, literally you stopped eating. Stopped sleeping. you no longer had any energy in your body. Every time he begged you, every time he’d continue to touch you when youd ask him to stop. Every time he’d scream in your face, every time he’d tell you to stay, to shut up. It drained you. you’d slip up every once in a while, you’d fall to your knees and cry for two seconds in front of him, youd stand up fast and say “im just tired, I had a long day.”
He’d always tell me “my friends and family all say to leave you.” “why?” Id ask, he’d never have a response, he’d just say those things to hurt me, It made me feel lost. I knew he talked bad about me to his family, his mom already didn’t like me, when I tried to make her like me so hard, I even got her a Christmas present.
He’d tell them about the fights we had, and the things I’d say, but he’d never tell them why, I acted that way. I act like I dont care what anybody thinks, But I do more than you can imagine. I know he sits there with his friends still talking about me, talking about how im a whore, or I used him. Never about the fits he throws, the times I cried and begged him to leave or stop lying. When I’d try to stay calm because I got scared he would hit me especially after my ex, especially because he stayed friends with him. Then whenever i’d say that im scared, “what the hell, Why are you saying that i’d never hit you. you know i’d never hit you.” I didn’t know though.
It all started turning into hate. towards him. you were tired of everything. you just wanted it to end. so one day u just slept with his friend. they all lied to him so easily, like you knew they would. you needed him to feel what you felt for the four months you stayed, you needed him to lie in the bed that he made. You wanted to hurt him. Thats the only reason you stayed. You planned it out, with your friends, in your head. You didnt even find the dude attractive, you just needed to do it. so you got in that bed, with that guy, you did what u had to do even though he couldn’t even get you going. Then you went home. His friend, No better than him, I can’t say i’m any better at this point either, whatever Im still not a cheater.
I got a little distracted. Moral of the story, dont force yourself into something because you just need anything. The distraction wether its drugs, sex, alcohol, or a person. Can end up making things a whole lot worse. Im no saint. Im probably one of the most toxic, selfish people you will meet. I am only that way though, when someone gives me a reason. Just like you, I am a person. Just like him to. We all make mistakes. But if we make the same ones, over and over again we cant continue to blame it on everyone but us. Be safe. Dont let things go to far, Because you never know when someone will hit you, when they really wont let you go home. It hurts. Of course it hurts. I have so much going on in my life already, and the one person who was supposed to help, who was supposed to change things only made it worse. It kills me because I know he talks bad about me. I know he twists the story. I know im not going to be the last girl he does it to. I feel bad for those other girls I do. I dont think its jealousy, honestly, I really think it’s because theres not a bone in my body that thinks he deserves to be happy. I cant play god though. Karma. He’ll get what he deserves. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But hes winning if I continue to call, Continue to try to ruin him. He wins. It continues to mess with my head, continues to give me panic attacks, continues to make things a lot harder. I know I probably messed the kid up bad to. That was the point at the end, At least I don’t sit there with my friends and act like I didn’t beg someone to stay, and act like I was never the problem . Im not gonna let that happen and you shouldnt either. You are worth so much more. Don’t let guilt, or the fear of being alone hold you down. Trust me you see so much more when things like that don’t cloud your vision, so please babe, Don’t let it.
Author Notes: This is a personal story, but I know alot of people go through is. So i wanted to share what I went through. I use writing as my way of coping and moving on. so this is me moving on.