This made me think of another shitty occurrence that happened not so long ago.
My older sister and I, we were in the bathroom, at about 11:30 at night doing our makeup just because we can, when suddenly...
The 3 creepy signs of haunting. (This is kind of hilarious and scary too)
1. Heavy breathing.
Me: Hey, man- WTF! Is it really laborious work applying eyeliner or something? (*sarcasm*)
HER: What? (*Dopiness accompanied by a cocked lip*)
ME: Uh, well you're kind of breathing like you just ran a marathon. (*smirking in a self-satisfied fashion*)
HER AND ME: (*stupid, girly giggling, followed by a thoughtful pause*)
ME: Oh, shut up now.
HER: Dude. (*stretching out the OO sound*) That isn't me.
ME: Well its certainly not me!
2. Weird noises that sounded like childish giggling.
(THIS ONE ALMOST LITERALLY REDUCED ME TO LITERALLY SOILING MY PANTS)
It went on for a while and we looked out of the door into the next room. Which was of course, unlit.
HER: Go check dickhead.
ME: Um, no fuck that! I think I might stay here and live instead. Why don't you go?!
HER: (*classic bogan Australian voice*) Aw, git farked! Oim not gowin out there.
(fear brings out the bogan in every Australian, or at least every one I've met)
ME: Alright, we go together. (*expecting a three, two, one. PSYCH! thing from her*)
3. The physical contact.
Of course it HAD to be me bearing the brunt of creepiness.
We emerged from the bathroom, planning on superman leaping to the light bulb so nothing grabbed our ankles or some shit.
It brushed past us both at the same time. The back of our legs were slid past lightly.
BOTH OF US: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!!!!
OUR GRANDMA FROM THE LOUNGEROOM: HEY! I heard that! Quit your swearing you little shits.
BOTH OF US: (*being smartasses*) You just said shit!
NAN: Shit isn't a swearword.
ME: (*muttering*) Whatever, you say.
Meanwhile, the thing touched my leg again and I began to think JESUS CHRIST WHAT IF ITS A SLEAZY GHOST LIKE THE ONE FROM MY CHILDHOOD FEARS OF GOING TO THE TOILET AND BEING TICKLED ON THE ASS BY?
Unable to stand it anymore, me and my sister flicked on the light.
I looked down at the thing that had brushed past my legs.
So, the Great Nicole's House Haunting Of 2012 Mystery was solved.
It was my cat, Tigger. Which made me temporarily lose all faith in humanity and realise that this is why the WORLD SHOULD HATE CATS! Until he did something cute and I forgave him. He got bored doing whatever the Hell cats do, and the weird kid-like sound was this retarded sound he does when he feels left out. (I knew a lot about my cat, what can I say. I was single so I had to give my love to something), and his furry ass was brushing against me to get me to pet him.
So there are a few morals to this story.
1. don't trust a cat
2. brutally assaulting cousins should be legal
3. don't get into arguments over whether shit is a swearword with an old lady with years of swearing experience. YOU WILL LOSE.
4. And don't do your makeup with my sister. She is God's most irritating creation.
ALSO, while we're on the subject I would just like to say that doing your makeup at eleven thirty is fucked anyway.
THAT IS ALL.
Is it weird to feel like pizza at two am? God, if it is I don't want to be normal.