Blinded by Self-Insecurities

She wakes up every day at six in the morning, gets in the shower, brushes her teeth and hair and then puts on her clothes for the day. As she walks out of her bedroom, she glances toward the mirror and flashes a smile, but stares at that smile, and is dissatisfied. Then she questions herself, “Am I enough”? She prepares to go out on a Friday night with friends, making sure not to eat too much before, so she looks her absolute best in that new dress she bought. But as she starts to get ready and finishes her make-up, even though you can still see the blemish marks on her forehead, she slides into her dress. This bright blue, flowy beauty fit her wonderfully, but once she met up with her friends and seen how their dresses looked on them, she completely lost all confidence. The feelings run through her head, “I look so bloated, compared to them, I should’ve worn high heels, I look disgusting in flats, why do they have such clear skin, I am going to definitely be the ugly friend tonight”. With the loss of confidence, she follows her friends into the club and pounds down drink after drink, ending her night next to a toilet, puking.

She visits family for thanksgiving, so excited, she wants the very most of this trip and enjoy herself, but limits what she eats, because she knows she will gain weight. The whole break, that is all she thinks about, “If I eat all of this, I am cutting my lunch and dinner, and I better not have any snacks”. She is mentally draining herself with all of this worrying. She has a dinner night with her father and step-mother, first words that come out of their mouths, “You have gotten so skinny, you need to eat something, you look unhealthy”. She is shocked, she didn’t think that of herself at all, and even with the opinion of someone else, she still didn’t. She was hurt by the words, because she knew she could get even more skinnier than she is, but them already worrying about her weight now was alarming.

She struggles with the constant feeling of not being enough, she over worries about her appearance and weight and she is beyond terrified of being alone. No one ever stays, no one can ever see that she is more than what we see on the outside, her best features are hidden on the inside. But with the constant disappointment and brokenness, she never opens that side of herself. When someone does end up finding their way inside, she pushes them away, she runs and hides, because why would anyone want to be with someone like her? How could anyone possibly love someone who can’t even lover herself?

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