Burn My Love

I had just turned 15 and was in a bad relationship. All we did was argue and fight. Over stupid stuff because we where too young to have anything important like bills or a mortgage to argue about. His name was Wharlyn and we didn't go to the same high school which made our relationship even worse. One day me and my best friend Deana decided to go hang out in the music room after we had gotten out poorman's meal. A plate of fried rice from the Chinese food restaurant about two blocks away from school. We sat down in the back of the music room where the instruments lay and began to eat and talk about our day. Someone had walked past and was heading to the Trumpet room. I didn't bother to look up. The person said "Your pretty but you have on too much make up". I looked up and there was a football player. What was he doing back here anyway? I blushed a little and said thank and went back to eating. Deana looked at me and said "He's kind of cute, I would date him." I looked at her for a minute and just brushed off the comment. He was cute but I'm not ready for something new. As the weeks went by I started to notice him around the music room more often. Whenever he saw me, he would sit next to me and tell me a corny joke just to see me smile. I didn't like to smile at all. I had extremely low self esteem and would always pick myself apart in the mirror. This went on for about another month before we both left for our next class and ended up going down the same hall. We started talking and by the time we hit the staircase he gave me his number. I was excited and felt bad at the same time. Here I was taking this guy's number but yet I knew when I got home Wharlyn would be there blowing up my Blackberry about something stupid. Now that I think about it, who cares. When I got home I waited a little while so not to seem desperate and texted him. When I did he was drunk and watching Juno. I laughed and brushed the night away paying Wharlyn little attention which ticked him off even more. It really didn't matter to me. For once in six months I was happy.
My birthday rolled around and he was still around. His name unimportant. All I knew was he made me happy. I felt safe, like the world had no meaning to me because we where always in our own. We ended up finally having sex after I had turned 16 in my bathroom. How romantic. At the time it didnt matter to me. I was so sure he was the one that I easily gave it up to him. Unlike everyone else I dated got a big fat NO. On March 3rd 2009 we where an official couple. From then on everything seemed fine. We had our small up's and down's but nothing serious until 2012 hit. Everything became one of the biggest nightmares of my life. First I had left my Facebook page open on his laptop. He went through my messages and found out I was messing around with one of my friends. We broke up for three days after I had begged and pleaded for him to take me back. I cried for those three days and did everything I could to please him. He finally took me back but with one eye open at all times. At this point the wedding was off and trust was gone. I understood why so I didn't complain. Since that day we had gotten into arguement after arguement. Nothing seemed to let up. One day he came over to my house and said he had to talk to me, but he wanted to collect his thoughts. I forced him to tell me. The news was that he cheated on me for a year and a half with a girl that I hate. The little girl that was supposedly his isn't his. His daughter that he had about 5 years ago had died at birth. So his son that I was carrying was honestly his first child.
This is when the epihany hit. In 2011 I was had found out I had gotten HPV which caused me to be on the verge for Cervical Cancer. I would bleed during sex and things didn't always feel right. When I had asked him he said he wasn't sleeping with anybody.... The day before I went away to college we had sex. 4 weeks later I was pregnant and upstate all alone. I dropped out of college and went back to NYC to have an abortion. I couldn't believe I had killed my first child because I wasn't ready... During my recovery I could have sex for two weeks. During those two weeks he cheated on me with her again..... Why would he do something like this to me. He even told me at one point he loved her. Well why didn't you break up with me, he said he was confused and didn't want to let me go. Bullshit. They finally stopped having sex in December. Hard to believe. I was nothing but a joke to him. Now here I was pregnant with his child. 6 months in the making. How do I handle this... I really wanted to walk away and he began crying when I started to leave. Your feelings mean nothing to me so cry me a river. He held on to me and begged me to stay. I kept refusing but I grew weak. Fustration really takes a lot out of a pregnant woman.
My dumbass gave him a second chance..... Now here I am, with this man that I do not love the same anymore. Sex isn't the same. We don't make love anymore because I refuse to let my feelings take over me again. Whenever he leaves the house I don't even think to care when he will come back. Slowly my love is burning, and the ashes will be swept away by the wind. I will not care to follow the ashes or think twice about where they will end up. He didn't care about me for a year and a half why should I care now.I really do not regret that one night my friend and I did what we did. All that really matter now is my unborn son.

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