Burn Out

Okay, this is my first time to write a blog in English. Living in England for 17 years and speaking the language for much longer, I think it is time. The reason for this is I do not have a Hungarian keyboard on this computer, which makes writing in Hungarian (my sweet and most beautiful language) almost impossible. The second reason is that I love to write in English. (too) :)

I have decided to give this title to my first English written down thoughts because I hope someone would learn from my mistake and not to feel like I feel now.

First I though I have depression but actually I am not a psychologist and possibly if I would have it, I would not be able to work 60 hours a week and still carry myself the way I do. I can smile, eat and enjoy life but I feel so empty, so sad. This goes on for a while now. I call it burn out. It is being sad for a reason and denying from yourself the things I want do, to the point I do not want them any more. I think I am scared to want them, I am not brave or strong enough to do anything to achieve them. I did forget what I really would love to do and to think about it how to do it, it is impossible if you do not know what it is. I feel I am in a trap. The trap of working. This is my life.

How did it all start?

Sadly it started about 13 years ago. If only I new it. I did not realize it, but I was sad about loosing my dear mother. In April 2009. Thinking back I made the worse mistake of my life and did not stay with her till the end. My work was more important. Of course I can find excuses as I had to provide for my family and work but I have lost the few days with my mum, her last days on Earth which now I regret. I should have stayed with her, holding her hand and making sure she knows I love her so much. You can always find another job but those days will never come back. I am not going to go on about this, even after 13 years it is too painful but at least I did realize the whole burn out thing was triggered by this and of course by the pure fact I lost her. She was always there for me. I can never find another person on Earth who put me ahead of anything or anybody, but she did. Loosing a mother makes you grow up and I will never be ready for this even though I do not think I am the person who needs a lot of shoulders to lean on. I only miss one. My mum's.

It is strange I had no feelings like this to loose my dad long before her. He was very poorly and every year was a present for him as he was told to die young due to very severe lung problems. Luckily he lived 71 years which is longer than my mum lived for. Both of my parents were predicted to die young and actually they did pretty well if we consider this.

I did go back to work in the UK after leaving Hungary and my mum on a hospital bed. A few days later I just got a phone call to be told she is dead. I was expecting this as the doctors told me she has 0 chance to live with the catastrophic brain injury she had after a stroke. Still of course it was as bad it can be. I had to work and work and work. I did work long hours and felt I should have stayed at home, with my children to be there for them and to grieve as one should. I just did not know how to and I felt, I must work. I pushed the basic instinct of the mother in me away for earning money to be able to pay for the house we lived in and the other huge expenses what modern life brings. I pushed the basic instinct aside to stay with my mum in her last days. Work was more important than anything else. I changed my grief to the feeling of earning money to be able to live the way we did before.

There is a saying "you are only one paycheck away from being homeless" and you do not feel the weight of this until you are in it. The life in the UK is basically as hard as in Hungary but at least you can buy more stuff. You can have that yearly holiday or if lucky more than one. Still by the end of the month we did not ever manage to save much money, or if we did, it was quickly spent on something extra or a deposit. When something broke or was needed for our everyday life, like maintaining our cars or the home we lived in, the little saving was instantly gone. We could put aside some money for our yearly holidays which we spent in Hungary and Romania, occasionally we visited other countries for a bit of an extra pleasure of discovering different places which we always enjoyed doing.

So going back to burn out, it just creeps on you, first you do not feel it. It just feels harder and harder to get up, be nice at work to the people around you, follow the one million rules, policies etc. which are for being professional and doing your job properly. Everything what was easy before seems to take an effort now. Later it effects your home life too. Secretly I hated my husband because he "made me" work, I wanted him to work and let me be a mother, a free person, who is not bound to be regulated by working schedulle, being on time and followig policies. Our relationship was always like we are both providers for the family and he already worked lots of hours too.This is how we managed for years and this was our way to live. My frustration and this expectation of me nearly ruined our marriage an I felt we are just surviving together and not living. Emotionally I distanced myself from him and found him to be guilty in things today I see differently. I am sure now, he always did his best for us.

Luckily he did save our marriage by almost forcing me to move to a different town. However, it was also my idea, I was too scared and also I have lost friends with this move which was just adding to my bad feelings and sadness. I did agree to moving because I wanted to save the marriage, I did not see myself being a single mum or one who would take a good father away from his kids, and the kids loved him, still do very much, simply because he is a good father.

Moving eased the burn out, at least something new to be done. And we did lots of it! We have rented and planned to buy a house. We moved 3 times in the first 3 years and actually bought 2 houses. I have worked in different work places but always in the care sector because this is I had experience in and of course I did not want to start form the bottom again. We become landlords and had helped several people to settle down in Southampton. My husband was always a partner in all these. I had decided to try university again, which I sadly gave up in 2011 and not becoming a nurse. Studying also eased my burn out and I had something to focus on which is not working. So, basically I would have done anything else happily except working in care.

I had realized this a few month before the COVID-19 pandemic started. I did not want to work in care any more, especially the care settings I worked for 16 years. This all started again with a death of a lady I have looked after. Strangely, I did not have any emotions towards her. I did not love her or hate her, and most of the time I built a natural defense system not to feel much about the people I am taking care of for money. Still her death crushed me as I was not expecting it at all and having COVID myself I was worried she might have got it from me. Although, she could have got it from the person I have got it, and we never will find this out.

I wanted to be as far as possible from people needing care. Most of my spare time was looking for other jobs I could possibly do and applying. All my friends and my husband thought I am going mad, trying different jobs and never being satisficed with them. A year passed and I was still looking for a "better" job. It took me a while to understand, burn out is not related only to one job. It is related to most jobs if not all. The one I liked did not pay enough or I did not get enough hours. The ones I did not like did not pay much more either. The mortgage must be paid, (2 mortgages are a double burden) and we are only one paycheck away from being homeless. Maybe we can save if will eat baked beans all month, which is my "favorite" joke but it is still so true. I have learned to save a lot of money eating cheap stuff.

Of course I am still in this situation, this is my present. I am working every single day for 3 weeks and 5 days. My next day off will be 17 days later. I did this for myself. I booked my own shifts, I am my own slave driver, no excuse. At least one of my job is now home based so it has it's advantages. I told my husband if I die, write on my grave "Stupid woman worked herself to death". I like sarcasm. I blame my husband again as he is also working since December continuously, I feel I can not stay at home doing "nothing" but house work. Luckily, I have decided I will not work every day in March! :)

I should conclude this epic "short story" but I do not have anything in mind. Perhaps, writing it out from my head did help for the moment. It was much better than searching google: How to beat burn out? I will find a solution, I am sure of it. When my time comes.

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