Careful What You Wish For

I have not had a whole lot of hardships in my life, as much as I hate to admit it. I have had some pain, of course. For example, I have a lot of experience with mental illness. I have had to deal with violent and/or manipulitive people before, people whose minds were twisted and blackened. I have stayed up all night worrying if my best friend was drinking or hurting herself because she'd been talking about tequila and suicide. But other than that, my life was pretty pain-free compared to others, and I hated myself for it. Still do.

I have friends with divorced parents, family addiction, mental illness, death and loss. I have a friend who's 13 years old, and her mom keeps stealing her money to buy alchohol. She says she's going to steal her mom's money until she's made up for it. Another one of my friends comes home everyday to find her father passed out on the couch with a bottle in his hand.

I'm grateful for the fact that I don't have problems like these, but at the same time I feel guilty about it. All these people who are close to me are going through horrible things on a daily basis, and I can't help them. I feel like I'm just a royal jerk living the good life while I watch everyone else starve. This may sound weird or crazy, but it kind of hurts. It's lonely.

This pain led me to try and find something that could allow me to sympathize with them. I felt horrible for not having bruises, so I effectively rammed my head into a brick wall. Well, I asked for it,didn't I?

Sure enough, I soon began to feel my own pain. Maybe whoever's watching decided to grant my wish, and gave me hell for a year straight. Someone betrayed me and my family, and I couldn't sleep well for months because of it. Meanwhile, I began to discover things about my past that worsened my insomnia.

Finally, I began to get a grip on life just as my first romantic relationship got serious. Suddenly, that gave way, too. My now ex-boyfriend began avoiding me, purposely leaving me by myself when it really mattered most, lying to me, and hanging out with other girls. I know this also sounds stupid, but it didn't really help my already low confidence. I couldn't be myself. I wasn't good enough.

Finally, I realized he was the one who wasn't good enough. I dumped him at last. Now, I'm nursing all my wounds while looking out for the next storm. It's inevitable, but that's ok. It's what I wanted, right?

Author Notes: Sorry if this feels like a diary entry... I just reeeaallly needed to vent about this.

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