He pulled the tight chest binder over his skin carefully, trying to keep it from bunching and rolling up in the back. Of course, it didn’t work and it bunched up in the back, just like every other day. He pulled a t-shirt over his skinny body and looked down, admiring how flat he looked today. A smile broke out on his boyish face but quickly faded as he caught a glance of the countless scars on his wrist.
They had been left there in times when he was still a girl and didn’t understand why he was so sad or why he hated himself so much. A time when he had just been a typical flannel-wearing lesbian. A time when he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror or look down, the fear of seeing these things on his chest was too great.
‘Times are better now’, he thought as he rifled through another drawer, searching for a hoodie. No not a hoodie, the hoodie. The one his dad had given him before he came out. He felt ashamed for loving and missing his dad after what he had done but he couldn’t help it, he did give a shit. He finally found it and pulled it over his head, messing up his hair a bit. He put his hands in his pocket and felt something. Not quite sure what it was he pulled it out and immediately had a sinking feeling.
He opened the note and read : “Hey babe, so I haven’t really been okay lately. Ever since Jax died I’ve just felt so alone and isolated from the rest of the world. It feels like I’m drowning and everyone is there, three feet away, screaming at me to swim. But I can’t swim because I don’t know how and no one will show me how to, all they do is yell at me to. It’s just too much now I can’t do this. I have to get the fuck out of here or I’ll go fucking insane, I swear to god. I’m leaving Eli and I don’t know if I’m coming back. Stay alive though, okay? I love you.”
He sat down on the bed with tears rolling down his face and a defeated look in his eyes. He laid down and curled up into a sort of fetal position.
“I miss you Eli..” he whispered into his empty room with a small sob.