Oh I wish more than ever he was here now.
I mean in the beginning it was easy, just throw yourself in the motions. The day I got up, & walked around getting food & drink ready then the to pick out my best mouring suite. I wore a skirt because he said I should only wear skirts. I smiled & say I’m fine, or okay. Nod when they say he was a great man.
Then we were off following him in the next car, my watery eyes never left him even when he was lowered to the ground, there was no vicar, no biblical words thanks to his laughable request, his parents who didn’t particularly like me agured over that part when I said he didn’t belive in it, they would have got they way too if it wasn’t for his written word that he made in his will, cops always have wills done out when they leave the police academy. I hated it of course, growing up not mentioning once that he wanted to be a cops, maybe he knew I hated it, especially after my father brutal death, but I couldn’t let him go. I wouldn’t have known how to.
Its been eighteen months & the slience is deafening.
The sobs & wails have gone & all there is concrete numbness.
I even brought a dog, a Jack Russell called Tommy. Another heartbeat around me, I’ve never really been alone. I got go back to being a waitress, I eat, I shop, I sleep, I drink, & I dream.
I dream that warms me, my arms were full of him, my beautiful lover who smiles down at me his floppy Hugh Grant hair, but blonde, I always that he looked like a rugged verson of Jude Law, always with a predatory wolf grin on his face including dimples.
But this dream was special. He spoke.
“Why do you always dream of me naked? he said as he pulled me into a big hug always after making love. A sad smile happened.
“I don’t know, least I know nothing can happen when you with me, your not going to get shot.”
“No man in his right mind shoots a naked man,” he laughed but I pulled away & saw his red rose wood coffin.
“Stop it okay.” I moved away not liking this dream, sitting now on the edge of our brass bed.
His arms wrapped around me & instantly I felt his warm face carress mine, he always did it when I was mad, always worked too.
“Yeah like I told you this would happen, didn’t I! I watched my mom waited up for Dad for 14 years I watched her fall to pieces when he…Fuck you Grant I’m my mom”
“you really hate me.”
“Yes-” I didn’t mean it but he was gone, a cold chill happened a creaky growl happened outside the window oppsite me, “Grant.”
someone how I didn’t think it was…just then the window crashed making me scream.
I woke in a cold sweat now staring into the fuzzy blackness, not the best dream I’ve had with him.
I ran into Scott Mati, loaded down with shopping he give me a lift home; he was Grant boss, partner, best man. After the niceites & how are you. The mood fell on him the white elephant in the car.
“You see him?”
“In my dreams, he-we.” I mummble
“It okay Alix, I mean different people cope really differently, there no harm in dreaming of him.”
“Yeah kind wanna jump into a bottle & never come out, just like mom did, that was even before dad was cold.”
“That’s one way.”
“Least she had…memeories before Dad, I don’t, every memory I have is of him, even before I knew his name, and he pulled my pigtails & kicked my butt.”
“God & they say romance is dead.”
I smiled before the grief came “We were six.”
The moon went down & the inky blackness happened cold & horrid feeling came back, the house creaked & shifted.
I curled up in the chair & tried to ignore it. My mind whirled as something through window, but it was just a dream. Something snapped even the dog at my feet heard that, just a dream.
This time he trotted off through the dog flap in the back door my voice asked who was there…of course.
Nothing came back like I expected to hear a boo, stupid I heard myself say as I opened the door only to hear Tommy whimpering “Tommy.”
Nothing happened just spooky shadows, my blood ran cold shivering non-stop.
“Tommy come back boy.”
Then something happened a push, a solid push & I was on the floor & a blast of cold air happened.
I manged to look up someone stood in front of me,
Its was covered in shadows, hiding & covering it. I think I screamed I know for sure I was being pulled up by his hand on my hair, my back slapped against the wall, before I was pinned to it by its chest.
A sharp buring pain happened at my neck, I tried to push, but its hands gripped at my arms, another pain shot through me, everything in a matter of mintues was going black when a growl happened & the pain was gone, so was the inmense pressure.
I slid to the floor as I felt my blood ooze down my neck & my sweatshirt. I could only hear noises inhuman ones, which was before the inky black happened behind my eyes.
“Ali, look, look at me god, yes baby look at me,”
It was him, he had Grant’s voice. His hands cupping my face. Was I dreaming again? Of course I was.
“I’m going to sit you up okay?” he did & he leaned me against the wall, peace broke over me as I felt his face, was I dead?
“Why-why aren’t you naked.” my voice crackled.
“No this is a different kind of dream,” he sniffed & whispered pressing his forehead against my own.
“I didn’t mean Grant, I don’t hate you. I’m just miserable.”
“I know, I know,” he said while the wolf grin broke out, he moved in so fast I was dizzy, his mouth never stilled on mine, his large hands back in my hair.
I felt I was floating, I opened my eyes to he was carring me to the living room, to our sofa we bought has a wedding present.
“There we are.” he said as he laid me down, still kissing me, holding my hands,
“I’m here….I’m holding you.” he licked his tounge over my neck & the throbbing stopped.
He felt different, his hair was cut shorter, and his voice…. Different lower
“I’m not dreaming am I? You don’t feel right.”
His hands gripped at mine pressed them to his lips. There was a scar above his eyes, a scar even in the dark I could see his saddness as loomed over me, a shimmering sliver light flicked.
“I could never, hide from you.” It was mournful statement.
“I’m miss you Grant, so much my chest hurts, every mintue.”
With that his cold skimmed my face just like he used “I know, I feel it too.”
“Are…you alive Grant.” my eyes began to droop. Tried all of a sudden.
“No, my love, my wife….I’m something else & I can make you something else too, just say it.”
“you arse, of course I want to be different, if that means I get to be with you.”