Dear Lily

Dear Lily,

It’s been a year.

I think over time, that large, empty void has been filled. I haven’t forgotten you, of course. I’ve simply managed to move on. Death works his magic in strange ways. He wanted you gone and so He took you. Did He also want me to experience the loneliness I feel now? What was it like? Did you ‘walk into the light?’ Or is that just a stereotype?

I’ve met someone. Funny thing is, I warned her that she might just be a rebound but she did not care. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “I won’t leave.” And I believed her. The only problem, Lily, is that I don’t know if I’ll ever love her. Sure, I love her eyes. They glint brightly as the sun hits them just right. Her smile lights up the entire world and makes you want to smile with her. And her laugh, it’s like listening to your favorite song- you want to hear more, more, more. The problem is that I’m describing you. You are just like her, except nobody can top you.

That’s the problem. No matter what woman I end up with, I’ll always be comparing them to you. I don’t mean to sound spiteful, but it’s the truth. Nobody will ever be you, Lily. Nobody will ever be there for me like you were.

I’m pretty sure if you were heard you’d say, “Oh, Nick. You’re only looking at the negative side!” And then I’d spend several minutes trying to tell you that I am not, I am simply speaking my mind. Then you’d said, “Well, think of something happier.” And you’d show me the bright side of things, the things I’d never thought to consider. That’s why you’re better than her- the new girl would just give up and shake her head at me.

See, I’ve done it again. I’m comparing her to you. That’s horrible of me, especially because she’s really good for me. Everyone is telling me she’s exactly what I need. So, what? I launch into a new relationship and forget about the best one I’ve ever had? Leave behind the memory of my first love? I’m torn, Lily. I want to be with this woman, I want her to know I care. Don’t get me wrong, I do care. I do.

Remember our first date? You were waiting at the restaurant because you refused to be picked up. “It’s a sexist act introduced by men.” You were very firm about your feminist opinions, and of course, I supported them. I was willing to stand by you through anything, even before the first date.

We had dinner together and went down to the docks after, dipping our bare feet into the cool water. You told me it all felt right, and happiness exploded in my chest.

It felt right to me too.

After sitting in comfortable silence, I walked you home, leaving my car in the parking lot. You wouldn’t let me leave you on your doorstep. Instead, you gave me a firm hug and walked yourself inside. Your confidence is what struck me. I was happy for you. You seemed happy with yourself, too.

I did the same thing with the new girl. That’s when I realized that I haven’t moved on.

This isn’t a love letter. This is goodbye. Our time together was the best of my life, but now I have to get on with my life and love again. I can’t love someone if I love you more than myself. Of course, I still love you, and I do hope you’re reading this up there with a smile on your face.

I love you, Lily. Never forget that.

Always and forever yours,

Nicolas

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