Its not that I don't want to be happy
It's a despite, how hard I try
I can't bring myselff to be happy.
I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed
Why did I have to be this way?
I've a great family, amazing friends, good academic results, on paper everything is okay.
Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey
It's like there's this burden on me, pulling me to the ground and however hard you try you can't bring myself out, I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me, not him, not her, living has become the constant nightmare. AND IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
Society will tell me to try yoga, go for a walk, listen to meditiation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication.
Its a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my work, my relationships, my education.
And to this day, despite my best efforts to explain, I am always met with mlind hesitation.
People ask me "Why are you always so sad?" I tell them I don't know... I dont know.
What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolutely shit and that that's become my norm.
I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control.
Where's the fairness of it all?
Do you think I like to watch myself fall?
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe.
So I hide them and put up a wall, that's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.
I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible.
And so I carry on life these these two lives one for the public and one just for me late at night, cos that's easier than admiting you have a problem...And that's the problem.
The stigma is real people, and it will not go away untill we realise that mental health IS a big deal. It's a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries.
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