I hate being a disappointment but that is all I can seem to be.
I'm not big and strong, but I'm not small and cute either. I'm not independent but I'm not clingy and I'm not very funny but I'm not very clever either. I have a bad temper and anger issues and I struggle with paying attention to things people consider important.
I could tell you the entire plot of that show I watched when I was thirteen once in detail and add deep insight as I tell you about it, but can't tell you what I just watched in that five-minute film we watched for school. I'm very slow at doing things like chores and homework and am always extremely behind.
I struggle to commit to relationships too. If someone says they love me I find myself retreating even if I want that relationship badly. I hate it.
I can't seem to feel emotions like love and happiness anymore, I even struggle to feel sad. I'm either angry or confused, or I feel nothing at all. I want to feel real again.
I can barely remember the last time I even felt human. It must have been when I was a kid. Every time I get near the feeling again it gets ripped away from underneath me. It's almost like God forgot to keep watering me as I got older so now I'm just withering away.
I am useless.
Because of these things, I will always be a disappointment. I disappoint my parents because I can't do simple things like chores and have bad grades, I disappoint those who count on me because I can't keep promises, and I disappoint those who love me because I seem unable to love them back.
I swear that's all I was born to be. A huge disappointment.
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