"Don't End Up Like Mommy Did."

"You'll never see me again, I'm leaving, leaving you. I'm done with you and your bullshit. It makes everything else worse. You don't do shit around the house, I can't take it. I clean, cook, and raise my own siblings."
"Not true, not true at all. You are just a spoiled little bitchy girl. If you hate it here so much why don't you go live with your father?" She said mockingly.
"I've arranged everything. I called child services, they are coming tomorrow, but I will of already left. They will take Jules and Matt. And you, you will lose everything. Money, family, your house, your beer, your drugs. They will all be gone."
I walked away fast, I knew she would hit me if she had the chance, even more if it had been legal. I remember that day like it was just this morning. My mother is a horrible person. She's a drunk. She drinks through the night, she wakes up and downs a few beers. She'll go to work tipsy, high. She smokes like a chimney. She won't ever stop, even her youngest, Jules, she is 5 years old, told her to stop. Matt, who is 7, told his teacher that his real mother was me. Nothing will change her. She could get the best help in the world for it, and she still wouldn't. I don't get it. Her own children, who are young, know that it isn't good. They know to never do it, to never "end up like mommy did." It breaks my heart to hear them say it at such a young age.
You see, Jules and Matt are my half siblings. My parents split when I was about 7, and my mom remarried when I was 10. I'm 17 now, and it's the worst time of my life. Your teenage years are supposed to be filled with first loves, broken hearts, fun times, best friends, and enemies. Not dealing with drugs, alcohol and raising and supporting two children. Of course I would never trade my life with anyone. I wouldn't want them to go through the hell I go through on a daily basis. I get bullied because of the scars and burns. I get bullied for my turquoise colored hair. I get bullied because I look different.
I've dealt with depression for 7 years now. I've dealt with anxiety my whole life. I had no support system my whole life. I still don't, only my boyfriend Joey. But even he can't really help, because he hasn't gone through what I go through. Joey is a really liked guy at my school. He is popular with everyone, all the teachers love him, he gets good grades, and seems like a happy kid. But no one knows him like I do. He seeks attention, he is neglected at home. He is abused when he doesn't get good grades. When he needs something, he needs to get it himself, no matter what it is. I envy him. Through everything he goes through, he can still keep his head up high and help other around him in a worse position he is in. I truly think if I hadn't found him that night on the bridge he would of killed himself. I love him. So much, but he doesn't realize how much I do.
I'm not a great person. I am selfish. I don't help others, I wish I did, but I just can't. I have too much to worry about. Joey lives with me and he helps raise Jules and Matt, but I just wish I could be a normal teenager instead of having to grow up, be mature and take care of two children basically on my own. I never really had a childhood. I never played hide-n-go-seek, until Matt came along. I never played tag. I never played in the dirt. I never even played a board game before. My mother kept me inside most of the time, I was sort of like Cinderella. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of my younger sister Jessica and the dogs. Except, I wasn't beautiful like her, I didn't get a fairy god mother, or prince charming. All I got was cut wrists, a step dad who abused me, and a kiss-my-ass-on-the-way-out- good-bye from my own mother.
I couldn't take living there anymore, not even for Jules and Matt. I wish I hadn't called child services though, they took them for a while before they let me get them. That scarred them for life. And I'm sorry I left them. I abandoned them in a time of need.

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