28. February.2020 - 11:37 (Present day)
Why is it that when the sun is shining and children are playing, the world still looks as dark as the silent hallways of the subway. Drops of cold blood tip off the edges of my fingers, onto the icy tracks. ‘Clink, Clink’. The sound of train chugging, the sudden loud voice echoes deeply to my lonely soul. ‘Joseph’, I hear a woman’s cry, again and again whispering silently into my ear, as I wipe the now cold blood of my hands onto my worn out shirt. Barefoot on the stony, lonely tracks, the wood crunches under my shivering feet. Shaking tremendously, I squeeze my off-white rubber duck for the last time, ‘Quuuuaaaaccccckkkk’. All of a sudden faster than streaming rain, the loud horn of the train chugging down its route, closer and closer. The light becoming brighter and brighter until it’s too late; mesmerized, I stare at death right in the eyes.
‘Beep, beep, beep’. Went the moaning heart monitor. Am I in hell yet? I tugged at my arm, but abruptly got jerked back with a massive stab of pain through my spine. ‘Joseph’, there was the women’s cry again, hissing. As I slowly opened my eyes, the terrible world came to view, its silent whispers, hunting me again. A lady sat beside me, with dark leather skin and heavy check bones. ‘I think this is yours’, she said passing me my childhood rubber duck. I wanted to move, who is she? Why did she have my duck? I wanted death! I felt like I was captured in a cell, unable to move, with the warm smell of sanitizer, itching at my injured nose. I wanted to squeeze the duck, calm down, but instead I shut my eyes, expecting they would never open again, as the terrifying thoughts came back to me.
17. September 2003 - 7:20 It was dark out. Clear night with a beautiful crescent moon shinning in the pitch sky. William, my mom’s husband handed me a small, plumped yellow rubber duck. With big blue eyes and a tiny orange beak. Its smooth texture calmed my inside, although I was only 3 months. Made me feel warm and excited like I’d won millions of dollars. The sudden sound of the door slamming startled my heart sending to a racing motion. Thump, Thump, Thump. After that William was never to be seen again. The duck was the only thing that made me smile, calm like a little child licking at a lollipop.
(Present day) “Bring in the mask! Attach the cords” shouted another unfamiliar voice, as I felt more needles being inserted into my arm. I flinched at the extra pain, by now I was already used to it.
18. April 2014 – 5:58 Clouds had gathered around in the sky, it was extremely dull outside. The usual dark house stared blankly back at me as I came back from school. Threw my bag on the couch as a massive cloud of dust came to view. I walked to the kitchen, as I heard bottles of wine crashing and my mom moaning louder and louder. Her screams frightening my insides as I shivered tremendously. The constant sound of her wailing and breaking things in her room lasted all night. I ate left over pizza from 2 days ago, the soggy crust numbing my tongue. As I headed upstairs, the floorboards creek under my exhausted feet. Mums moaning piercing at my heart as I waddle toward her room, squeezing my rubber duck. I slide the paper plate of pizza under her door, and sigh. ‘Stop feeding me, I know you want to poison me. I won’t eat it you pathetic pile of stinky trash, leave me to DIE!!’ She screamed back at me as I heard her banging around and breaking more glass like it was the end of the world.
(Present day) Hot tears stream down my face burning my checks, the smell of that familiar sanitizer returns as I realize that I’m still not dead. I groan as more needles are injected into my arms and decide to open my eyes. The first thing that comes to view is a single faded light blinking, then three other people all wearing masks and white coats surround me mumbling to each other. ‘PHEW, I thought he was a goner’, said the guy with brown freckles. ‘A goner, a goner, goner, goner, goner’ his words echoed in my head.
8. October 2018 – 5:58 the dark rooms of the house slept peacefully as I came back home from the bar. The kitchen untouched, dishes left staring at the ceiling and the sound of wind crashing on the house. Silently I creaked up the stairs, every step making my heart thump faster. It was as silent as a silent snowman in winter. It was too silent, no moaning, no screaming, no yelling and throwing. To make myself feel at home, I squeezed the duck. I thought she was no more, like I’d never see her again, but there she was, moaning in pain, drunk and sick with dark eye circles under her frightening eyes.
(Present day) tears now soaking the pillow on which my head was hidden, it felt as damp as the ocean, as cold as a wolfs howl and as isolated as a snowflakes indulgent landing on snow. ‘Where’s your mother darling, do you know her number? Said the women with heavy check bones, as she tugged at my blanket. My mother? I thought. An unexpected stab on my left leg made everything go blurry, life started to shake, like a blender. I felt horrible, why did these people have to make my death so excruciating?
28. February.2020 – 5:49 The heavy iron against my cold shirt, released steam onto my wrinkled face. The feeling was pleasant but scorching. It was pouring heavily outside, the satisfying sound warming my hearts beat, soothing me for the first time in years, but it was still gloomy. The rain was drumming away in a song like rhythm. Every now and then mums soundless moans came from her bewitched room, like a forever curse was on her. Suddenly the moaning stopped and a treacherous shatter of broken glass crashed, echoing through the hallway, sending an unexpected shiver down my spine. After about a minute mom screamed, yelled and sweared, saying ‘WHY’?! She grabbed her hair, pulling it side to side like a tree in the wild wind, screeching and squeezing her checks with her razor sharp nails as drops of bright, scarlet, smooth blood slowly teared at her skin oozing out finding its way to her mouth.
I grabbed at her arms and made her sit down as she launched herself at me and screamed at the top of her lungs. ‘Leave me - leave me!’, as she tried to free herself from my grip. ‘Mum! Mum listen – please, just give it a break, I need you’, I yelled back at her. Tears streaming down my checks. The smell of burnt cloth tearing away around the house. ‘You selfish little brat – I don’t care – Bring me my Willy, I want my Willy!’ She screamed louder than before like a ferocious tiger, hungry for its prey. Hearing this I left her there, the abrupt feeling of my heart being speared away came shooting back at me, the broken glass pieces piercing away at my feet. As I walked down the corridor and to the kitchen the deafening shrieks of mums cry’s became louder and louder. Leaving a trail of blood. The dishes sat there silently – still staring at the ceiling. The hanging light shook on the ceiling like a moaning cat. I grabbed the sharpest knife could find and headed upstairs as the rain died down. Shivering with fright, constantly squeezing my rubber duck I lounged at her and stabled her right under her collar bone. Still trembling her cries screeched as her cold blood poured onto my hands. My heart pounding, there was sudden silence. What had I done?
(Present day) ‘Are you ok?’ said the lady, wiping my forehead with a towel. ‘At least tell me how you got to the station?’ she finished smiling intensely. As the monitor beeped, the bubbler bubbled and the clock ticked my heart raced, I wanted to disappear. I felt like someone was pulling at my veins, muscles and bones, ripping them apart…
28. February.2020 – 10:57 shaking violently, I wiped the blood off my hands onto my worn out shirt- it was dim and quiet. The thunder outside killing my heart with every crash. There was nothing left, just me covered in drying blood. The lightning strikes shadows caging me in my own mystery, sorrow and fear. The house smelt like something was burning. My shirt. Startled, the fire alarm went off and I ran, scared, tripping on my own toes, barefoot, blood sweat, I ran to the silent subways of London. Lonely, startled, afraid, and begging for forgiveness, but how do you forgive someone who’s dead? I stared at death right in the eyes!
(Present day) ‘A needle at part sector AY34. Insert the oxygen mask, keep it still. Slowly…slowly, check the heart monitor’ I heard more unfamiliar voices, as people tugged at my body. My head felt heavy, I felt weak as still as a stick insect. I realized that what I was regretting was not the lost past but the lost future, not what had not been but what would never be. As I blinked for the final time for my worthless life, pain ripping apart my soul, I whispered, ‘I only wanted a family, not to be an orphan’, as life said its final goodbye. ‘Sector five, sector five!’…BEEEEEEEP.