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By PumpkinSoap

What is love, exactly? Can you see it? Can u smell, taste, or hear it? Of course you can 'feel it' but how do you know if it's true love that you're feeling?

Lets look at my life shall we?

.โ€ขยฐ*ยฐโ€ข. WoOOoShH .โ€ขยฐ*ยฐโ€ข.
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Wow! You're still reading this??? Congratulations! You haven't given up!!

Lets proceed...

Ahh... young love. So sweet and innocent!

Let's go back to my 6th grade year as an arrogant little girl with this attitude and "push me, I'll punch you" mindset.
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So... Before I went to TFAA, I was fine I guess, nothing special.

But once I came in, I saw this really attractive guy that caught my eye.
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He had the bluest of eyes, like ice. If you tried to take a step, it'd crack and break and you'd drown. They weren't Billie Eilish "Ocean eyes" because they were so much different.

They didn't look like your typical "ocean" but just like.... Ice! They looked like broken ice! But from a distance, his eyes were so blue that they were almost an obnoxiously obnoxious blue, it was almost offensive.
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Enough about eyes, they were just blue...

But back in 6th grade, he was just your average kid. He had the slick backed hair, wore plaid to be more "manly", he tried to act like he was the best, and one more thing, he was the most popular boy in school!! Which... I mean... idk just, he was.
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Lol I had the biggest crush on him...

And...

Not too long later...

We had a school dance coming up!!

Course I was scared and I was a little nervous and I've never been to a dance and I didn't know what you were supposed to do or anything, so I just went with my best friend... let's call her.... Cupcake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little backstory, me and cupcake were like BEST FRIENDS (and we still are to this day) and we did EVERYTHING together! We even had all the same clases together!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Now proceeding-

So me and her went to the dance and I wanted to ask this guy to the dance! Let's call this boy... Taco. (Me and cupcake had nicknames for everyone, and we came up with taco because his hair was slicked back and it looked like a taco). But before I could ask taco to dance, he had already asked this other girl!!

Course, taco gets rejected by her and ended up dancing with this other girl (who I guess actually PAID him to dance?!! Which ofc she acted like "Ohh ig I'll dance with him" but taco didn't look amused).

Course, right when I saw this, my heart sank a little bit... but I wasn't jealous or anything. I just felt... Broken.
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Not like mentally broken, but I felt a slight tug of my heart.
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>>>>>>>> Forward >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now, that I had basically gotten SMACKED to the ground, or to put it simply, second hand rejected, I had found a new interest.

(Wow such a hoe/player ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜)

And let's call him... Ram (Another name me and cupcake had for someone)

So ram had blonde hair, he was pretty skinny... a little TOO skinny like he needed to eat... but he had blue eyes as well!

They weren't as special as tacos tho...

But I got to know him a little bit, and a little forwarding, another dance was approaching!!!!

I couldn't wait!!

But it was is March and at the time, it was February and our school was in the middle of "Valentine's Day grams" and you had to pay 50ยข for you to sign your name and put the person you wanted to give it to on the gram and it would go to them.

Well!! IT WAS MY CHANCE!! TO ASK RAM TO THE DANCE ๐Ÿ˜ฑ!!

So I paid my 50ยข, I got my pen and I wrote on that gram saying, if I could remember, "I know it's a little early, but would you want to go to the dance with me?"

I put it in the bag and got back to lunch where my friends made fun of me for doing that (lol).

Later.... like 2 weeks later when the Valentine's Day grams were being passed out.... He, ram, he never... mentioned it...

Infact, he wouldn't even talk to me

Now it's 3 weeks AFTER they were passed out... he didn't mention it.

Did even talk about it....

Not one word...

Silence...

He never thanked me....

Never mentioned it...

HE DIDNT EVEN ANSWER MY QUESTION...

I felt.... Empty....

I had spent 50ยข on this kid... and not one word...

LIKE I DIDNT HAVE TO SPEND MY MONEY ON HIM!!!

But I found out 2 weeks after from another one of my friends and he told me "I overheard him on one of his classes talking about it... and... he said no"

No....

NO...

NOO....

HE SAID NO ๐Ÿ˜ฑ....

I was the exact definition of enraged..

And I was in this mood for 2 weeks straight....

I wouldn't talk to anybody... or if I did, it wasn't my wholesome, happy sounding conversation... it was just a fake smile and a laugh and pretending to think you're funny...

No....

NO....

NOO....

That word rang in my head for weeks...

No....

It was is my head....

Flowing though my veins....

Screaming through every muscle fiber of my body....

No....

NO....

NO....

It was a disease.... No.... it infected me

Blinded me...

Hurt me...

Bruised and wounded me....

That evil word.... No....

This was the beginning of my hard lesson... this was when I discovered.. that nobody liked me.... nobody wanted me....

They would look at me.... then all I could think...... was that BLOODY WORD

NO

NO

NO!!

It corrupted my soul.... my entire being
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Hmmph... but not for longggg ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FAST FORWARD TO 7TH GRADE โœŒ๏ธ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Too bad the 6th grade dance got canceled due to Covid ๐Ÿ˜”

Now it was a new school year...

New classroom...

NEW FRIENDS ๐Ÿ˜ฑ...

And for this new year, everyone was broken up into 3 "blocks" or divisions where you were either group A, Group B, or Group C, and depending on which group you were, you and everyone else who was in your group had the exact same classes as you, and you had them for the rest of the school year.

I was group B, and so was ram...

Ram was.... the same!!

He never changed at all...

He looked... the same ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

But one thing I forgot to tell you...

Before the 6th grade year ended, he had the choice to be with me or this other girl.... and he chose the other girl ๐Ÿ˜”

AIGHT... STILL 7TH GRADE ๐Ÿ˜€

It went by smoothly and no major problems...

Until.... Taco...

All of 7th grade, I had forgotten about taco. I forgot he even EXISTED ๐Ÿ˜†! But towards the end.... I started to notice him more.....

I think he started to notice me....

For example, once I knocked on the door to get something from my homeroom teacher and he happened to be in that class at the time I knocked. When I knocked, he got up and answered the door. And as he comes to open the door to let me in, I remember he deliberately looked down to see 'who I was' as if he had NO IDEA who I was. Lol. I knew he knew that it was me.
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Now.... I started noticing how he kinda like... started looking at me a little bit. Like at the lunchroom, he would look at me and then look away. Course I did the same ๐Ÿ˜†

But it was funny too bc he acted like I NEVER SAW HIM bc he was SO SLICK, but I saw him... lol he WASNT that slick ๐Ÿ˜†

When we ate lunch, every week we alternated when we went to the cafeteria to eat or of we stayed in our homeroom to eat lunch for the week.
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Every week I wasn't in the cafeteria when we swapped, I strained to see him. To look at him.
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I wanted to see him, and he wanted to see me...

Well, that lasted long enough....

One day at recess when we talked about the boys, one person said "Oh yeah! He's with that girl right?" "Yeah he is!! I think they're dating too!" "Really?! Omgggg!!"

Who was this girl.....

Why was she talking him away from me...

Wait...

I know this girl.....

SHE'S ON MY TENNIS TEAM ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

I KNOW HER!!

WHAT WAS SHE DOIN- oh yeahhh....

We're friends!! He loves HER not me!!!
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What is wrong with me ๐Ÿ˜ฑ ๐Ÿ˜ญ

IM SO SELFISH...

After he and her became a thing...

He quit looking at me...

He didn't want to see me....

No....

NO....

NOO....

That wretched word again....

No...

No....

No

No... โœ‹..... don't go ๐Ÿฅบ ...

No...

NO...

NOOOOOOOO ๐Ÿ˜ญ

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ๐Ÿ˜ญ NO

NO..

NO...

I drowned in that word. No.
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It consumed me...

Wait!!

They broke... up?

ITS ONLY BEEN 2 WEEKS ๐Ÿ˜ฑ...

The heck?
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Whats funny is..... The girl he was with talked about him NON STOP. She talked about how he texted her dad if he could take her on a date one time and how he was so sweet... but it seemed too good to be true.... because.... that love... fell apart...

But also hearing her stories and seeing text messages.... screenshots specifically..

She was so.... NEEDY

She was constantly "What are u doing?" "Are you okay??" "What are you doing" "What are you doing " "You're not responding! Is everything okay?" "Hello?" "What are you doing?" "Is there something you want to talk about?"

She smothered him...

She suffocated him..

STOP...

YOURE HURTING HIM....

HE CANT BREATHE...

STOP!!

YOURE HURTING HIM!!!!!!!

And she then texted me "We were fine... then like... one day he just quite texting me and like didn't put anything into our relationship. He wouldn't even like acknowledge me or anything"

Course I told her what she wanted to hear and told her "Yeah that's just horrible!!"

But in my mind...

It screamed...

NO YOU NEEDY CHILD!! YOU SMOTHERED HIM!! YOU SUFFOCATED HIM!! YOU HURT HIM!! GET OFF HIS BACK... GET OFF HIS BACK

GET OFF HIS BACK

GET OFF HIS BACK

GET OFF HIS BACK...

It rang so much my head hurt.
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I knew why he stopped. She smothered him so much and wouldn't let him have any alone time or anything. It was always HER HER HER....

Not long after, I found a new interest (wow can't make up my mind ๐Ÿ˜ฑ.. Such a hoe)

He was tall and had red hair and blue eyes as well (ITS ALWAYS BLUE WITH THESE PEOPLE!!) And he liked me โค๏ธ

But before this went down..

He and taco had a fight and this guy got OSS for a few days because he got into a fight and taco after DID NOT LIKE this guy... let's call him Macaroni.
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Macaroni came back and I was happy!! He came back!!

Well, not long after, I got wind that macaroni had liked me! OH MY GOSH!! So we talked and we were gonna be a thing!! Wait...

There was just something I didn't agree with...

Macaroni ALREADY had a girlfriend!!..

Umm... he already had a girlfriend...

IM NOT BEING A MISTRESS!!!

Course... me and macaroni talked and I told him that I couldn't be with him because just... it's not right and he said "Well... okay.." and I ruined his day.

I also ruined tacos ...

Course, MAGICALLY everyone knew I told macaroni no... and taco got a wind of it.... and u know what he said?

He was talking to the girl he once dated and he wouldn't even talk to her. She asked him "Is everything alright?" And he goes "No, just something I have to figure out within myself, that's all"

Did I make him jealous?

DID HE WANT ME TOO?

He was jealous....

He wanted me too...

And after he JUST got into a fight with macaroni, and I chose the guy he HATED MOST (macaroni), I SECOND HANDED REJECTED HIM..... I did to him what he did to me all that time ago...

Not long after, he started looking at me more and things went to normal again!!!

7th grade ended and now... let's go to 8th grade..

~^*ยฐ*^~ WoOoShH ~^*ยฐ*^~
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8th grade now.....

New classes, new people.
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New friends...

New....

I was a new person...

I think? Well....

The boys think so....

*DISCLAIMER* I'm gonna sound arrogant and petty as crap, but I'm telling u how it is and IKKK ITS PRETTY PETTY... BUT ITS THE TRUUTHHH ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

I see... more guys look at me more...

Like how taco did...

These boys.....

When I walk in the halls past them....

THEY LOOK...

They look....

Stop looking.. It's embarrassing

(//โˆ‡//)

Hmmph.....

Well I have noticed that my curves have come in.
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I had gotten Bangs, I've got a butt, a snatched waist... AND -

Oh yeah..... I'm still flat ๐Ÿ˜›

AHAHAHAHHAHAHA 32A's AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

WHO AM I KIDDING?? IM UGLY AS CRAP! IM SO FLAT ITS HILARIOUS!!!

Well..... Hmmph....

Ig I've changed, literally...

Course, I just had to see what the boys truly thought of me.. just wanted to see why exactly the looked at me and noticed me more from last year...

So one day... I wore a black striped shirt with a somewhat low cut chest area so u could see what little of a naval I had. But I just had to see what they would do!

Would they quit looking once they realized how flat I was?

Would they stop?

I just HAD to know!!!

They looked even more ๐Ÿ˜ฑ.... Oh crap...

What have I done ๐Ÿ˜ฑ......

Oh crap what have I done....

*I also forgot to mention that taco was in my last period, and he sat right infront of me*

I get to my 7th period (last period) and I remember at the end of the class before we went home, I remember he was turned around and was facing my desk... and I remember I "Bent over" to see what was in my desk to see if I had 'left anything' ๐Ÿ˜....

BROOOO!

THAT KID STARED LIKE HE HAD NEVER SEEN A HUMAN BEING BEFORE!!

Course, he kinda "looked away" so it wasnt obvious. BUT BROOO...

HE LOOKED....

He looked....

He...

LOOKED...

What have I done....

What have I done ....

Ive created this.... this spark...

This, this IDEA IN TACO...

OH SHOOT!!

MY HOE OF A SELF HAD MADE HIM GET IDEAS ๐Ÿ˜ฑ.... BRO WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!

I'm ashamed of myself... what have I done!?

I knew this would happen... but I just

HAD to know if it was true....

Not long after, one day I pulled up in a skirt, a low crop top thing that I tucked into my skirt, a long and black cartigan, cat ear headband, and my hello Kitty, platform converse shoes. I looked like an anime girl wannabe. It was so dumb.

It was....

Bc when I walked into that 7th period class.... I could see taco and his friend STARE AT MY LEGS. THATS ALL THE LOOKED AT!!..... Little weird bc like.... the skirt was a normal skirt. It's not like I was asking for it...
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๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ

WHAT

HAVE

I

DONE??

NOOOOO!!!

OHHH CRAPPP ๐Ÿ˜ฑ

WHAT HAVE I DONE....

IM SUCH A HOE

IM SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF ๐Ÿ˜”

What have I done???!!!!

I messed up big time.

Bc now, I'll be wearing a normal shirt and nothing special of an outfit.... THE KID WILL STARE AT MY 32A'S..... LIKE BRUHHH IM FLATTER THAN A BOARRDDDDDD... STOPPP....

Now I feel defiled

*DISCLAIMER* Bro yes Ik I asked for it ONE TIME... just to see what would happen.... BUT I DIDNT KNOW IT WOULD CARRY ON LIKE THIS!!!
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Crap what have I done?!!

Ive made taco a certified pervert....

Now look at yourself Lauren.... You've done something bad that can't be fixed....

You hoe....

Well there was another dance....

hehe....

And not one, not two, but 3 (technically 4) PEOPLE ASKED ME!! I told one yes... but that made everyone mad ๐Ÿ˜ฑ I didn't know anyone cared??? But I did tell him that I had other plans if anything went wrong (and it did) so I told him no.....

Frick....

I hurt someone bc I told him yes then no.... WHAT KIND OF A MONSTER AM I?? WHAT HAVE I DONE???

Well... my dumb self didn't learn the lesson and another guy asked me... told him yes..... then proceeded to tell him that I'd think about it..... (I made him NERVOUS AND MADE HIM SUFFER) just for me to tell him no ... (I TORE THIS KID UP OH MY GOSH) and then that's when I realized that I can't get myself together and that when I have to make decisions, I'm not that good at it..

I tore 2 kids up that week bc I couldn't decide.... and I got my punishment later on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's time for the dance!!!

But before, I'm texting taco and we're talking and .. WE'RE ACTUALLY TALKING!! Anyways, we're texting and he's all "you getting ready?" And I'm like "Yes!! I'm getting my nails done too" and he's like "Oh that's cool" and then we take some more and he makes fun of me and I make fun of him.... just... we had a moment.
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Later, once my nails were done, I told him "I'm BaCkkKk!" And he's all "Woooww... no wayyyyy" and I show him my long, pointy, red nails. Like Kakegurui if u know what I mean.
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I get exited and I get my dress on and my shoes. Put a little makeup on, just some dark, red lipstick, little blush, lil bit of highlighter. Nothing much.

I was ready!

I had a red dress on with little ruffles at the end. I had my black, chunky heeled, combat boots on. My hair done and I was ready!!!!!

I got in the car, my mom's friend's car. And we drove to the dance.

I couldn't WAIT to see him!!!!

I wanted to see him!!!

And maybeee to danceeee with him ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ Idkkk....

I got there pretty early, like I was one of 25 at the time. I put my stuff down and waited before some of my friends came. I waited at the door to greet someone them, and then CUPCAKE CAME!! YAYYY!!!
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Cupcake and I went to the gym where all the food was and we hung out!!!

Wellll... Cupcake knew who I was waiting for... so we kinda 'hung out' (more of loitered) in the lobby, waiting for him to come.
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I went to the restroom and right when I came back, there he was. He came with his mom and she greeted us both and said hi and she hugged us and it was great until, I saw him..

He didn't.... he didn't even look at me.

Didn't even say hi or anything..

Wouldn't even look at me in the face...

But the only thing he had NO PROBLEM looking at was my legs ๐Ÿ˜’ He looked what he could see of my legs up and down a little, and then me and cupcake left to the gym soon after we said our hello's and goodbyes for when she left. He didn't even say hi.

Even after our moment we had.... nothing.

I just rolled my eyes at that thought and me and cupcake walked around and hung out together until the REAL dance started. The music was popping and it was jumping and it was wild!!! Everyone got into this big circle and people got in the middle of the circle when songs you could 'get low' to came on and you were getting it onnnnnnnn!!!

I wanted to dance with taco. But he never even looked at me. Not once. Didn't say anything......

Then I learned from Cupcake that she had been texting this guy.... let's call him C (another name we had for some of the guys). And C said that Taco didn't want to dance with me because he didn't want to get 'flamed' with the thought of me and him being a thing.

Seriously?

He didn't want to dance with me bc his little reputation would be diminished because someone of a "lower class" dancing with Him... of the "upper class" and it would look baddd?? AwWww LiTtLe BoO BoO BeArRrR...

That enraged me...

But that's not the best part...

Soon a slow song came on and I look to see if anyone was slow dancing, and I saw HIM... and this... this GIRL!! My heart just sank.....

What did I feel? It want jealousy... it wasn't hurt... it was just.... Emptiness. I felt just, Empty.

Empty.

I remember the song when I came on, and just seeing them dance. His hands wrapped around her lower back and hers around his neck. But ... something was a little bit off...

I could see him smiling but.... it didn't feel happy. It felt.... hollow. It felt... Empty.
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I could remember him searching the big crowd that made a circle around him and that girl... I remember him looking at the distance occasionally and looking back at her to not arouse suspicion. Then he would look at another section and look back at her. Then he found the section I was in.
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He found me.

He looked back at her for a split second..

Then he looked back at me.... and I remember it felt like 5 seconds (Ik 5 seconds isn't a lot, but literally count 1 Mississippi... 2 Mississippi... 3 Mississippi... 4 Mississippi... 5 Mississippi, it's kinda a long stare don't u think?) And I remember his eyes... those .... EYES!! They were..... like broken ice.... and they started at mine... back at my hazel green eyes...... we held it there..... and then he looked back at her for a split second then at another section... then back at me for another second more.... then stared back at her... then like 10 seconds later (count.... COUNT!!!) he holds her hand up, makes her do a little spin.... then he walks away from her to go back to his homies..

Then another song you could get down to comes on....

I missed my chance.....

I messed up.....

I wanted to go home!! I WANTED TO LEAVE!!! He borderline rejected me again.......

But why did he choose to look at me.. not once but twice???

TWO TIMES???

Did he really want to dance with this girl?
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Why did he look back at me?

There were so many other girls... but why me?

Let's go to this current and present day shall we?

Like 3 weeks after the dance, he starts looking at me like how he normally did and would occasionally say "Hi" and I didn't hear him one time and I went "Hmm?" And he went "I said Hi" and I go "Oh, Hi!!"
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We also made jokes... perhaps not the most funniest of jokes.... but like...

We had this joke where he'd say it all the time, but he'd say "Muy grande" every 2 minutes. (Meaning Very Big in Spanish). And when I'd come into the 7th period class... instead of "Hi" it was "Muy grande" and it would make me laugh and snicker and him smile. Then from muy grande to "Garganta goat" (Garganta meaning throat in Spanish, then goat like... the greatest of all time) Instead of "Hi" it was "Garganta goattt" and it was funny... then it kinda got old and he never said it anymore...

It was so funny!!!!!
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But now..... this snobby girl... let's call her ... hmm.... Mirror.... because she is so idol to the mirror that it's like a part of her.

But now taco to this day currently is with mirror. Idk how he got into that situation with her, but he's with her....

But what's funny is, when that "What are you doing?" Girl was with him, he always talked about how mirror and ram and all these other ppl weren't his true friends!!

So what was he doing with her?

But I didn't care....

Bc deep down.... I knew he was aching

He doenst want her....

I can see it in his eyes....

I remember leaving the school to go home, and me and cupcake were walking out the door and I remember seeing mirror go up and hug taco... and he hugged her... but out of the corner of my eye.... I saw him...

I had half my body facing him and the door... but I saw him.... strain to look at me..

He looked at me like how he used to do...

But he's with her!!!! Why.... why is he looking at me???
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But I think mirror is like the other girl.... bc she's ALWAYS WITH HIM.... ALWAYS!!

Taco usually plays football with his homies, but at recess... SHES WALKING WITH HIM... and I can just FEELL how much he want to play football. But he has a gf he has to please.

But now... to this day...

I see he's starting to look at me more...

Like when we had a big test and he had to move to make room for other people... he chose to sit by the desk right beside me!!

Are they.... not.... going well?

Does he just not care anymore?

He's starting to look at me...

What is he doing!!!??
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Doesn't he have a gf?

But why has he started to look at me again? What's going on?

But I can't see him break her heart bc I see the way she looks at him....

She loves him.....

But I can see it...

He doesn't love her.

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About The Author
PumpkinSoap
PumpkinSoap
About This Story
Audience
12+
Posted
27 Feb, 2022
Words
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Read Time
21 mins
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