Empty October Evening

My heart was racing. The sun had not set yet and I could see the dim light through my draperies. There’s something very calm and chaotic about dusk. I could feel the warmth of the blanket over me. Cozy and comfortable but my heart was not at rest and my mind still in haze from the dream I just had.

Still not ready to step out of my bed, my brain notoriously went venturing through my dream land. I had missed this. I had missed seeing her in my dreams. It was only couple of days before when I had quietly questioned my own unsettling composure. It’s October after all. And I hadn’t had any visits from her in a long time. I had needed this. To see her face and listen to her call out to me once again. My mommy dear as she rests now somewhere far above and way beyond my reach.

Half heartedly I threw away the covers and slipped into my flip flops. As I made my way to my closet, I thought about her. Her sweet voice. It was usually in the evenings when we use to have our one of those conversations which basically entailed her repeatedly emphasising on importance of hard work and consistency in discipline. And that use to be my clue of gulping down caffeine and start studying. It was her subtle way of reminding me that it was now time to put attention to my books again. I miss this. I miss this a lot. She was my anchor holding me firmly.

Without her I have lost that footing. From being extremely good with my academics, I have fallen so below so as to have lost my confidence. I fret most of the time. I worry a lot. And I am not even thirty yet. I miss that feeling of having someone like a cushion to absorb your stress. She was my shock absorber. Without her, life feels like a lonely ark in an enchanted sea. It puts me frequently in a place where I debate the reason of my existence in her absence and about life and death and after life, if at all there is any. She was the only parent I had. And now I don’t have her. What could I had done to deserve such a fate?

I struggle a great deal to keep a check on my emotions. There are days when I am happy, But then there are minutes in which my heart feels so heavy that I fail to contain my tears. There are days when I go without crying for months and then there are moments when I cry uncontrollably for stretch of hours and hours. Today feels like one of those days. Despite my reluctance, few tears break out on their own covering my cheeks red.

People write a lot about staring at your image while crying but no one really knows the pain of how it actually feels when you are standing over the sink, and your reflection looking back at you with tears running down your face. I sob silently for couple of minutes and try bringing myself back to present by splashing cold water over my face. It does the work for couple of minutes until I found myself staring into the depths of my brewing tea over the stove.

I keenly observe the process. A wave begins to rise slowly over the brim and threatens to escape. I lower the flame. It does the trick. I get distracted by thermodynamics. Realising that my tears have dried up on my cheeks, I picked up my cup and walked back to my room. I take a seat at my corner place by the window overlooking this tall tree. I take in the view. I look closely for signs of wind blowing swiftly. The air smells of cold without any hint of beeeze. As the warm liquid trickled downs my throat, I felt a sense of clarity rushing in. I can’t do this. Neither do I have the luxury of time nor do I have the sound health of my eyes to let it mourn my loss for hours at length.

There I was. Drinking tea, admiring this beautiful tree overlooking my apartment and crying, and mustering every ounce of strength in my body to stop myself from doing exactly that. I am told all sorts of things from letting it go to try engaging in different things in order to not let my pain ride me but never have I ever being asked about how I am actually doing with all my buried emotions and that ache. No one had asked me if I wanted to talk about it. No one has soothed me by saying that it was ok for me to cry or that i could cry as much as i needed, to get over those waves which hits me in bits and pieces every now and then. So I find solace in breathing words into them. It’s my only escape. With every word which comes alive, the burn at the back of my eye begins to cool down.

Six and a half hours have already gone by and yet my heart has not found a normal beat. My only prayer for now is that I somehow manage to keep it in for another week before I can break down in peace and to my heart’s content. Because let’s face it, it’s already as hard as it is to take exams during such pandemic environment and with my emotions playing havoc, my anxiety escalates further killing my hours.

As I continue to think of her, I wonder what’s in store for me? How am I going to move ahead when my ache often makes me so unbearably sad that it becomes so difficult for me to breathe. I read a lot. I watch documentaries on grieving process and on life with grief of losing a loved one to death. It does makes it better for some period of time and then it’s one of those days again where the only thing which pronounces more is the ache of her absence around me. I have learned to live with it. I hope and pray that I get to hold happiness too.

It’s going to sound absolutely cliche when I am going to write that there’s this coldness sitting in my heart and making me numb. I can feel the uneasiness and that heaviness without any visible weight over my chest. It’s there. It’s making my head go round taking me once again on the verge of tears.

Author Notes: We don’t realise the value of togetherness while we still have it. We take it for granted. We think that it’s always going to be there, because we pray for it. But what none of us know is how much time we got. I say that make use of every bit of it together with your love ties and blood.
And the only treasure you need to take care of are your parents. Hug them. Ring them. Remind how much you love them. Make them laugh. Hold on to them tight.

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