Every day I put on a mask. My mask smells like blood, sweat, and tears. Not because I’m a hard worker, but because I can never get it off at school even if I tried. Every day I hold a knife to my throat to bring up the courage to end my constant torture. Every day I yearn to cut that mask away, to throw it in my fireplace, and watch it burn into ash and blow them away. But I can’t. My mask will attach to me no matter what. I can’t stop it. It’s a force of habits like drinking or smoking. I just can’t stop myself. I’ve tried to cut but I won’t let myself. I’ve tried jumping off the side of a mountain to get rid of my mask but it never works. My mask, my inner soul, stop me. I’ve held an unloaded pistol to my head and pulled the trigger like a game of Russian Roulette.
Every day, when I see her, I want to hug her, to tell her I’m okay, that I love her, but my mask closes my mouth and mimics my voice. Every day I wake up at two in the morning shaking and crying because my mask has torn itself away. My mask forces a bloody smile that I can’t turn into an expressionless line. I can’t show my true self because I know I’ll get sent to a therapist that doesn’t care and tells me the same bullshit they tell everyone else. I am blinded by anger and depression, wanting to die, holding onto a fake smile.
I want her to help. To take the mask and watch it burn with me. I want her to curl up beside me so I can feel her warmth. I want her to save me, to fix me, to finally love me. But for now, I wear that mask like a jacket. Every day, all day. Until she takes it off. Until I feel that hole in my heart filled by the love that she could give me. Until I’m finally happy, Until I feel her skin against mine, her heat, her love, seep into my soul like infantry charging into No-Man’s Land. I need her. But I can’t muster up the courage to ask, because I know I’ll get my heart broken and smashed again if I fuck up.
Author Notes: This is a story about me from my larger selection of stories like this called "Just Shut up and End Yourself". If you want more, contact me! I'll post more if possible.