EVERYTHING IS A REASON part 2.3

EPISODE 3: MY FRENCH TEACHER

I remembered the first day I learnt French. Un, deux, trois… lundi, mardi, mercredi…
It was fun learning French, especially when it comes to verbs. We have to do some conjugations onto the words we are going to use. Sometimes, we need to add some ‘roofs’ or ‘eyebrows’ or even a ‘tail’ to some letters so that the meaning should not be changed.

But I am not going to tell about her class. As you know, EVERYTHING IS A REASON is invented and dedicated to some person who helped me to change during this stage of improvement, my teenage years. And one day, if I can publish EVERYTHING IS A REASON, I will only produce some hard-covers only for the personnel I dedicated in this story. I pledged to do so before I am 19.

I called her Mademoiselle Goh. She was a little younger than my mother, and she was the only teacher in the school; teaching French. She is just not like other teachers in the school, which some of them have their own agenda on teaching. The school itself gave too much pressure on their students to get all A’s for their PMR or SPM. Just like other boarding school in Malaysia, they push the students to study, study, and study. As a result, some of them were trying to break the stressful school rules.
I tried to be nice to all teachers in the school, but I tried my best to be the nicest in front of her. Why? Nothing.

A lot of teachers, from some sources, said that they don’t like me. The same goes to my friends. Even until now, around 3000 people hate me. But then I tell myself, “Never focus on people you hate, just love the people who loves you.”

Who loves me? Who cares about me?

Maybe I should find a best friend; I thought when I was 16. So I tried to be a best friend to somebody; maybe one day, I will find somebody. I talked to my mother, but her answer was disappointing. I talked to a counselor, disappointment results in.

Well, maybe that’s the start of my depressing years. It was 2007.
And now, it is 2011. I’ve searched everywhere for the answer; I am still searching for it. Is it high up in the sky, or just here in my heart?

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song…

And I never believed in myself, except for exams.
For 5 years, I’ve searching for the remedy for the emotion wound I tried and I hoped I could heal it. Maybe there is a reason behind it.
I’ve been hurt so many times since I was small, but I am just hard to realize that such disappointment will make me strong in the future. Tears flew down my cheeks for many times, sometimes with a smile, and sometimes it comes with heartbreak. But still, I can smile, just because I am who I am. I was never been like this before.

The journey goes and not yet ends. It will only end when there is no reason for me to end this journey I called Life.
So, what Mademoiselle told me?

Before I tell the answer, there is a story behind that. It all goes back to the calming night of 16th May 2009. I just finished my practice for the day’s performance. I remembered a teacher’s song, entitled Thank You, Teacher. It was not the ordinary song students heard during Teacher’s Day annually, instead it was a song created by a teacher when I was in primary school.

I waited for all my friends to sleep. It was 2 am.

I wrote a letter to her. I told her whatever I wanted to tell her, especially what I’ve experienced, and about the search.
I gave her the letter with a paper bag with gifts in it. I just know that she don’t like teddy bears or dolls like what my seniors did.
So again, what Mademoiselle told me?
I got the reply a few days after. And it was unexpected, she gave me an answer, and the answer touched my emotions.

“In life, sometimes, there are some ups and downs. You just can’t avoid it. OK, regarding the letter, it was so touching. I understand your problems, but try to think positively. Maybe one day you will find one.”

Since then, I tried to do good things to her, and I tried to be as nice as I can, since it was the last year I would met her. Luckily, I met her again in 2010.

She gave me a book, The Secret. “You should read it,” she said. I tried to understand what the ‘secret’ is all about, and I decided to spread the word.

When SPM was approaching, she noticed that all of my classmates looked stressful. One day after the roll-call, she asked the whole class. “Do you crave for something? Don’t you want to eat something?”
I know, she wanted to do something. All my classmates seemed to say OK. Then, she took the order, and each of the classmates paid for the price. Surprisingly, she bought us all the things we asked for. She willingly did.

Wow, I was very surprised that she could sacrifice her time to do so. All of us were waiting for the food. Instead of having the food in the dining hall, I had my fried rice.

Sometimes, people we loved so much will leave us.

20th November 2009.

It was the third day of SPM when I take the test for the ‘killer subject’ and it is the last day I became her student.
I was just like crying to see students; teachers were crying and students asked for forgiveness.

And yes, it was the last day I met her.

She told me,
“Sometimes we have to accept the truth that sometimes there will be times when you have to leave someone. But in life, as you grow up, you will definitely see that you will face a greater problem. So, just take care of yourself, and remember, try to think positively.”

I just can’t forget that she have changed me a lot. During my days without her around, I was totally screwed up. I lost my focus, I lost everything. I lost an A for Biology.
I’m sorry my dear teacher, maybe that’s the best I could do for my SPM, but I will never forget the words you told me.

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