EVERYTHING IS A REASON part 2.4

EPISODE 4: FATIN, MY FIRST LOVE

I knew her the day I had my Character Building class in the National Service camp. She looks pretty in my eyes, and that’s maybe the reason for me to LIKE her, but it isn’t the reason for me to LOVE her. She was an active teenage girl in the camp. For information, she is 240 days older than me, but she looks 240 days younger that I thought.
The friendship became closer in the Integration class. I tried to be close to her, and from that moment I tried to know and recognize her backgrounds.

As time goes by, she seems to be closer to me. I sent her a lot of SMS and I always observed her when I go out of the dorm.

One thing I like about her- she like to befriend and to treat her friends in her own ways. So, how does she treat me?

In the camp, we were both observing one another. She even wore the garments with the same color as me. One day I wore pink, she did wear pink. One day she wore orange, she wore orange. Most of the times, we wear blue.

I like to disturb and see her in the dining hall, because it is one of the closest point I could met her. The closest will be the classrooms.
I saw that she is very committed to the friendship when she texted me a lot and tried to match me. Just like Mademoiselle Goh, we shared a lot of stories together: our parents, our interests, ourselves, our friends, our schools…etc. Based on the stories she told me since I knew her, she is far better than me in some aspects. She was an active teen, and participated a lot in activities. She is also a brilliant girl.

That is when I started to use the SMS a lot. It was a satisfaction to SMS somebody, just like other teens, especially to the opposite sex. Sometimes, girls understand me better than the guys. I started to be close to the girls in the camp just because I never have a chance to befriend girls in the school so close.

Honestly, maybe I am a perfectionist, but sometimes, I realize; being perfect is not perfect enough. I tried to be as good as I can, but maybe my best is just not good enough.

I learnt to be myself since then. So, in the camp I observe the ‘warriors’. I have found that teens are all different in their way of thinking. Some of them looked not to take the benefits from the program. Some of them resisted the change in them. Some of them fortunately changed a lot. I learnt that sometimes change is unnecessary if I don’t have a reason for it. But now, everything is a reason for me to alter my attitude.

Yes, everything is a reason for me to change. Yet, I am still resisting the change. Let me take my time, OK. A small change could take years, so you can imagine how hard it is to change. And yet, everything is a reason for this bad feeling I experienced. One of the definite reasons is Fatin, but I’m not blaming her for this.

And that’s why I wrote EVERYTHING IS A REASON. I tried to forget the grief, the bad memories and the depression I faced. I do this solely to say aloud that I want so much to make myself better than what I have right now.

See, I was on the verge of breaking down

Sometimes silence can be so loud

There are miracles in life I must achieve

But first I know it starts inside of me

If I can see it

Then I can do it

If I just believe it

There’s nothing to it

Oh, yeah?
If that’s the case, I won’t be like now. It is just a matter of lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. Many of my friends said I am a very confident teenager, and some said that I have a strong determination to achieve something in my life. Just that, I don’t know what actually happened to me and put me down. Perhaps it is an unexplainable emotion that haunts me.
Who knows?

Fatin contacted me a lot after the 67-day program. Every day, it is a must for me to SMS her. I seldom called her. Sometimes, I called her in 3 o’clock in the morning. Then my mother comes. She was a little puzzled when I always talk to Fatin to 3 am in the morning.
Sometimes, we were just talking about the same things. We were keeping on repeating stories.

One day, my mother scolded me.

She is actually irritated to see me holding the hand phone most of the time at home. As a response, I am just keep on shouting.

But still, I kept on contacting her until one day when I was really shocked. We are both applying for scholarship. I just couldn’t accept the truth that she will go to leave me maybe forever one day. She is in a sponsorship to study in the USA. She is currently in the American Degree Transfer Program in a college in Shah Alam, 2200 km away from me.

From then, the guilt haunted me. I was so ashamed of myself. I cried a lot, until I entered matriculation. I am crying, and crying, and crying. Then, I ran for the Student Representative election. I won 344 votes, leaving my vote behind.

At least, it heals me a little, and lately, it hurts me more severely than before. How this guilt screwed me up. But we are still in contact, and I wanted so much to be beside her. However, she said that she has somebody right now. I just can’t do anything, so I just say that maybe I am not for her.

Still, she shares her grief and sadness, and laughter to me. I’ve seen her boyfriend’s picture. I just was speechless. I think he is far better than me.

Now, I’ve lost my first love, but still I can do something to make her love me, even though we are friends. Who taught me about that? Thanks to TeensHealthTM and MyHealthTM portals.

My advice to my friends: sometimes you can enjoy some memorable moments with your beloved friend, without being in a date.

The guilt still haunts me until now, and it seems that I need somebody to talk. Luckily, in matriculation, I met somebody that may help me. I told all my secrets to her, and I don’t permit her to tell anyone. Who is her?

You’ll find out in the next chapter.

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