EVERYTHING IS A REASON - preface

PREFACE

How can I describe this? Or rather, what word should I use to express my feelings? My sadness is tearless, my laughter is emotionless. I feel bad of everything – being a Student Representative, out of rice at the canteen, out of water in the dorms, losing a girlfriend, whatsoever, whatsoever. Doing tutorials, laboratory experiments, attending lectures are like useless for me. I bet I will get a 4, but it seems like far from yes.
I always make a conclusion, but conclusions are terrible. I don’t know what’s good about me. I’m a 100 kg, 18 years old, teenage boy. That’s not the main reason, maybe…

I loved motivation talks, because I was an active but talkative teenager. And that was all history. Bright history. But then, when I’m in Form 3, when I was 14 years old, something started to ruin myself. I couldn’t stop crying.

For nothing, I cried.

Yet I searched for the reason. But nothing found.

Sometimes, everything is the reason for the strange feeling. It still haunts me now… and it worsens. I do contact the counselor for 12 times – 6 times in school, 6 times in college – and the appointments are worthless.

My feelings start to jumble up. All of my friends walk away of me. Nobody tries to help me. Assignments are mounting. Pressure is rising.
Even my parents, were the victims of this endless emotion. I am easily losing my temper even with a playful tease. I couldn’t see the bright side.
Everything leaves scars in my heart. It hurts. A lot.

Something is not right. Now I always feel sad, but I hardly cried.

Suicide? I thought about it almost 100 times for the past 3 years. And yet, it is forbidden.

Anything to make me happy? At least it heals me a little.

I feel guilty, confused, angry, sad, cruel, emotionless… right now.

TO BE CONTINUED

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