Fear in My Eyes

If you are afraid of sunshine,

Even the sun is scary to you.

If you are afraid of rain,

Even a sweet shower is scary to you.

For if you love sunshine,

If you love rain,

They are a lullaby for the soul.

Fear lives not in the world,

But within the mind.

So when fear calls at your door,

Bang, bang, bang...

Ask why you are afraid.

And then you will find,

There is only sunlight in your doorway,

Only gentle rain in your garden.

When the cancer took Mum she was skin and bones, pale as a ghost, face masking the ordeal inside. Most days she asked me to read her a story, something pretty to help her mind escape. But there were times she screamed in pain and there was no doubting the agony. Dad would call Dr. Bernard and the morphine would be increased, sliding her into a long dream, her body so still that everyone wondered if she had passed on.

Fear of not being able to move on has engulfed my mind coming in waves reaching the crescendo, before slowly washing away again and again. I looked to the sky again and just breath in and out. I stand up under the faint light of the morning rays of sun and walk to the road. The soft crunch of gravel under my footsteps breaks the silence and I start to run through the maze of trails. I can feel my body relaxing with every step and the dull throb of my heart. To harness it, to give me form and strength and to get the air and the blood moving in the right places. After the first few kilometres I could feel the burn beginning in my legs and arms as they pushed me forwards. It was a relief, a reassuring glow; a reminder that I was alive and working. This is what Mum wanted for me, she wanted me to live, to feel life, to thrive. It’s what she’d wanted all along. Now I wanted it for her too. My chest would hurt next, the breathing would come harder.

Open air. Blue Sky. Possibility. I could feel the wall coming. The edges would blur first and things would get funky. It only made me want to hit it quicker. I wanted the next level to have the taste of blood in my throat as I tried to get even more from my body. I know I might black out if I pushed hard enough. Good I thought. Let me black out. Let me feel how bad it can get. I was in it now. I could feel my heart smashing away in my ears and my chest fighting for my breath. I didn’t care. I would give away thousands of runs and races to have Mum run one race. I would give everything to race with her one more time. Any race at all. A walking race, a race to the shops on bikes or roller skates. Any race. Just the chances to race. I didn’t flinch when I turned to another trail. I couldn’t stop. I ran until I couldn’t run any more. My body was screaming for me to pull up but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I slowed to a jog and started walking. My chest was heaving, screaming for air and room for my heart to breath. I stepped off the path and folded into a heap on the ground.

I was done. I had nothing left. Not the energy to cry or laugh or hurt. I couldn’t. I just wanted to keep going until I died. I just wanted to die. That's where I was, sprawled in a heap on the ground. My chest rising and falling to a silent beat. I stayed there for hours not even thinking. Numb everywhere, not from the cold just from living. That's when my body couldn’t cope any longer and blackness surrounded me like a blanket on a cold winter's morning.

It was bright and hot when I opened my eyes again. The glary rays of light piercing through my eyelids and the sweltering heat make me so uncomfortable. I roll slowly onto my side and try to stand up. I can’t. I sit back down and crawl under the shade of a tree. My breath is shaky as I try to get control of it again. I shut my eyes and focus on breathing in the clear fresh oxygen and breathing out the negativity. I slowly stand up again and hobble down the path. It would be hours until I get back, especially going at this rate. I hear a crackle of twigs and I stop. Then I see his face. He rushes towards me, his emotions telling me he needs more of a connection, or that I do, though I guess in reality it's both of us. His eyes are so different in moments like these, more soft than I knew eyes could be, it is the eyes of one who loves deeply. If it were anyone else I would drop my gaze, but with him I'm drawn in closer, always wanting more. Then he says the words I need to hear, "We're ok, you and me. Okay?" I just nod, taking in every moment for my memory. In all the world there isn't another like him, or me for that matter. Then I fall into his arms as everything goes dark for the second time this day.

It was as if God had stopped time, removed all the distractions so he could see it for real, see how it really was, what it really was.

There is a quiet kind of "cheerful," the soft kind that comes as a quiet river on a sunny day. It is a way of being that allows others a positive space to open up into, a space that is ready to support their emotions and needs. There is of course a time and place for the loud kind of cheerful, yet here in the hospital it can have the effect of closing people down - after all it is challenging to express sad feelings to a person who appears so far removed from those emotions.

I needed to spread my wings and fly away from the mess I had left myself in. I needed freedom. Freedom from my mind.

I am watching the sea, lost in the rhythmic percussion of waves on sand. My eyes are steady to the horizon, face aglow with the last orange rays before twilight beckons the stars. My lips bear the semblance of a smile, just enough to show that I am enjoying my thoughts, whatever they may be. He moves closer so that I feels his presence, yet stays quiet, allowing me to stay lost in the moment a while longer.

Don't they say that none of us will leave this world alive? Yet for my part I intend to leave the biggest and most beautiful footprint I can. Maybe yours will be right next to mine, that it is together we walk, together we leave a path to guide future generations.

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