When people look at me they see a happy, healthy person, whose got a perfect life. They see that I have a great friend group, and the most amazing boyfriend. They see that I have a great family, parents are still together. SIblings and I all get along. They see my big bright smile on a daily basis. They hear my delicate laugh everyday.
But what people don't see are the cuts that are all over my arms, stomach, and thighs, that I keep covered. They don't see the pain and depression that my smiles keep covered. They don't see the agony of being alive shown in my eyes. They don't see that inside I am completly and utterly broken. That I see no reason to go on anymore.
Now I know what you all of you are thinking. Their just seeking attention. And I so wish that that were the case, but it's not. I know, I know, I have the perfect life, and there should be no reason that I feel this way. But that's the thing about depression, isn't it? It doesn't give a fuck about what you, or others think. It doesn't give a shit about how perfect your life is. When it chooses you as a victim, there's no escaping it's rough, cold grasp.
It never leaves you alone. It's with you 24/7. It leaves you feeling cold, empty, and all alone. No matter how good your life is. And a lot of people think that depression is crying a lot and thats it, but it is so much worse than that. Depression is when you come home from school and you are completly exhausted from a whole day of faking a smile, that you go straight to your room to stare at the wall, and do nothing. Sometimes you can't even find the strength to get out of bed in the morning to go to school. Depression is when you can be surrounded by friends and family, yet still feel and alone and isolated. It's where everytime you look in the mirror you break down, because you can't stand how you look, and so you do everything in your ability to become prettier, which for me would be starving myself.
This is the story of the day my depression finally beat me...
My alarm clock goes off, and I groan hitting the snooze button. I so do not want to deal with going to school and faking a smile and forcing fake laughter. I am utterly drained and dont have the stregnth or energy in me to do that today. Mom and dad would be at work by now so they won't be here to force me out of bed. I close my eyes and go back to bed. I see no point to waking up right now.
When I finally do wake up, I look at my clock and see that it is two in the afternoon. I groan and stretch, but still do not get out of bed. I have no motivation to do anything. I stare up at my ceiling, and start thinking to myself.
"Why can't you just be normal? Your'e such a freak. Noone actually likes you, they just act like they do cause they feel bad for you. How could anyone like you? Your'e so fat. Your'e ugly. Your'e annoying, Your'e worthless."
"SHUT UP" I scream in frustration. I wish there was a way to turn off my brain, thoughts, and feelings.
I look back over at my clock, and it is now three thirty. My older brother and little sister would be home soon. I sigh and decide to get up. I sit up and look around. My room is a complete disaster. There are clothes everywhere, and trash piled all around the room. I can't remember the last time I had cleaned in here. I haven't had the motivation to do so in so long.
Suddenly I hear the front door open and my siblings voices fill the house.
"Ashely!!" They call my name.
I debate whether or not I should lay back down and pretend to be asleep, when my little sister bursts in. She jumos onto my bed. "Why weren't you in school today?" She asks.
I fake a smile and lie. "I wasn't feeling very good today. I think it was food poising cause I feel much better now."
"Ok," she responds. She hops up and skips out of my room.
A little bit later my parents come home. They ask me why I didn't go to school. And I tell them the same lie I told my younger sister about the food poisining. They believe me, give me hugs and say that they are glad I'm feeling better.
Later, when dinner is ready they come up and ask if I want to eat, or if I dont feel good enough to.
"Ummm,,, I'm not hungry, but there is something I wanted to talk to you gusy about." I say.
"We can talk after dinner." Is their response.
"Well, it's kinda important," I say.
"So is everyone eating. We promise we will talk to you after dinner." And with that they walk downstairs.
"See they don't love you. They prolly wish you had never been born." My mind starts to tell me.
Tears start to stream down my face. I open my desk drawer and the two bottles of pills and the bottle of bleach I have mock me.
I pick them up and with my hands trembling, I give in to my urges. I open the pill bottles and down them with the bleach. Soon, I start to burn up. It feels like my insides are on fire. I start to gasp for breathe, and then after what seems like hours of agony I collapse and everything goes black. All of a sudden I'm floating outside my body, and I realize I must have died.
All of a sudden I heat footsteps outside my door, and the doorknob starts to turn. I know it's my parents coming to talk to me.
The door opens and my mom walks in. Her eyes fall to my body on the floor. For a second she stands there staring at my body as though she can't process what she is seeing, then she falls to the ground screaming. My father rushes in at this point to see what is wrong, when he suddenly sees me. He races to me and drops next to me, and tries to find a pulse, but of course he can't.
"WAKE HER UP!" My mom wails over and over again.
At thie point my siblings come up to see what all the comotion is about. My little sister stares at me confused by what she sees. My brother understands imediatly and breaks down in these heart breaking sobs.
I can't take my familys pain, and I cover my ears, sobbing along with them. What have I done!? I think to myself!!
Thats the story of me losing my battle. I know you feel as though nobody would care, or miss you, but I promise you they would. I've been dead for over three years, and that's all my family and boyfriend think about. They all blame themsleves, even though it's not any of their fault.
Three of my friends have turned to cutting to handle the pain they feel about losing me.
I know it's hard, when you fight these demons of wanting to die all day everyday, but just know, you are so much stronger than you know. And this world needs you here. There are people whose world would be shook and never be the same without you. You got this.
Author Notes: If you or anyone you know are struggling with sh or suicidal thoughts reach out and get help. Call, 800-273-8255, or text HOME to 741-741 to text with a crisis worker.
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United States • 21 years old