‘What are you scared of? Many proud people will stand with there chin up, head held high and answer, ‘nothing’, most will be honest and give a judicious answer like ‘spiders’ or ‘heights’. Not me, no I’m different. This is a question I struggle to answer because I’m not quite sure what it is that I’m scared of, I do know but I don’t know what it is; you know when you’re driving home from work late at night, you’re tired and you think you’ve seen something in the road, it’s almost like a thick shadowy figure and you swerve to avoid it but then you realise nothing was there or when your walking, talking to a friend or looking at something to your side and when you turn to look forward again you flinch and jump back because you think something’s in your way but when you look again nothings there, or what about when your lying in bed half asleep and half awake and your half having a dream, in the dream you fall, so to stop your self falling you kick out in your bed, then you sit bolt up right wondering what just happened. Just any of those things that make your heart stop and speed up at the same time, those things that make you sweat like you have no pores at all, those things that cannot be explained and simply make no sense. Well that’s what I am scared of, I don’t know if it’s simply because of the horrible symptoms it gives you or if it’s more than that, I sometimes wonder if I’m only scared of it because I don’t know what it is. I suppose it could be many things really, maybe its God punishing me for my sins, maybe its Death making me aware of his presence, maybe it’s an unexplainable evil force taunting me before it makes it’s move or maybe its Karma punishing me for all the wrong doings I have committed, who knows? All I know is it’s getting to much, it’s starting to scare me now, it’s happening to often.
I’ve spoken to friends and family about it and they all understand were I’m coming from but they say it rarely happens, but with me its constant, every journey I take in my car, every walk, every sleep, this presence is here with me. Other things have happened, strange unexplainable things, for instance I walked into my mum’s house once on mothers day gripping an array of wonderful flowers, my mum thanked me and took them from my hands and said ‘I’m going to need a vase’ then from the top of the stairs, fell a huge vase of the shelf, it rolled down the stairs and landed perfectly up right at our feet. I don’t understand it.
I’m going to let you in on a secret now, I’ve never told anyone about this because I’ve been to scared of the consequences; seven months ago, a few days after my birthday I was lay, wide awake in my bed, my body was tired from my birthday night out with the lads, and so was my mind from a hard days work but for some reason I could not sleep, it was like something was stopping me, I did feel a presence but I was to afraid to believe it. I looked over to my window and the curtains fluttered in the corner, I thought nothing of it until I realised all of my windows and doors were closed, I sat up in my bed and concentrated my mind on everything, every movement and sound or even touch. The breeze came again but this time it was stronger, it flowed, fluently past my head. It almost felt like it was whispering in my ear, ‘Paul’, ‘Paul’. My hands were shaking and my whole body trembling by this point, my lips quivered and my body tingled, it was like nothing I had felt before. I scanned my room again but was too scared to leave my bed, in the far corner I saw a light, only a small one floating gently in the air, I blinked quickly and wiped my eyes to be sure that this was real. As I turned my head back towards the corner it was still there but it was growing, the light grew brighter and stronger, then…
Everything went dark and my body was at rest, but my mind was running wild. I don’t know if I was sleeping or my eyes had been sealed, I can’t really remember what happened. All I remember was a voice, a soft voice, almost gentle and kind. But the words that voice spoke were far from gentle or kind. It’s strange really; I don’t remember any thing other than this,
‘I have watched you closely and stayed in your presence,
I have watched you at low points I have watched you in essence,
These words I am speaking will stick with you dearly
So I am going to speak them ever so clearly
You have wronged in your life and you do not regret
Ever so soon your sun will sunset
You’ll be wiped from this earth
Thirty four years since birth
Your sins will be punished
This planet malnourished
I am you in your brain
Ill drive you insane
I will keep pushing, these visits will worsen
Not long from now you’ll no longer be person
End all this soon and all will be over
Nothing can save you, no mystery solver’
I’m scared for my life now, since then its got worse just like he said, I can’t explain whatever’s happening, it makes no sense I remember those words like they are written on my palm yet I don’t remember falling asleep, or waking up. I just remember being sat in the same place in my bed still searching for that light but those words were ringing in my head.
There’s a voice in my head that keeps telling me to do things, the same voice that spoke to me that night, it tells me to do things, I try to fight it but this thing in my mind usually prevails. I was reading an article yesterday about a woman who had voices in her head telling her what to do and eventually it started telling her to kill her self, she tried three times each time by setting her self on fire and then in the hospital claimed that this voice was telling her to but then on the fourth attempt she succeeded, what if I’m like her. I don’t want to be a freak, I don’t want to be front page news in the local newspaper, ‘SPLIT PERSONALITY PAUL SPLITS HEAD IN NASTY FALL’ that’s not me.
Since these things have started happening it’s got me thinking, and I do remember being mocked in school for having an imaginary friend, but it seemed so real to me at the time, he used to tell me to do things as well, nothing bad, just little things like when to work hard in lesson and when not to, maybe he’s back. They do say that certain mental problems can be there one day and be gone the next, then it can come back again; no that can’t be it, it makes no sense.
I’m sick of all the psycho therapy they keep forcing me to attend, they just won’t listen. Ok, the tablets do help my thoughts go way but not for long. It always comes back so it can’t be what they say it is. I’m recording this message from my top floor bed room in the Hilton you see, I thought I might as well end this with class, I’m holding the hammer I bought, there’s a reason they don’t have open windows in top floor bed rooms.
‘Stop wasting time Paul, just do it.’
‘WAIT! I need to say something to my family!’
‘No Paul! There’s no time!’
‘I loved you all, mum, dad, all my friends, every one who’s ever been nice to that freak known as Paul, I loved you!’
‘OK! I’m going! I just need to leave the recorder on the bed’
The recorder records the sound of a window smash and Paul’s last words…
…’You win, who ever or what ever you are, I hope your happy now.
…the voice recorder records nothing but silence for eleven hours, then at one o’clock the next day one of the workers begins to knock on the door to clean the room
‘Mr Croft (nock nock nock) Mr Croft, room service.’
Just as the voice recorder records the key card slide in the door, the battery dies’
By Dan Waring