“fix her” he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “fix her”.
But how do I fix something that is beyond repair? How do I fix something that can’t be fixed? Temporarily. I may fix her now, but she will fall apart again. Just like she has before. Must I feed this man, deeply in love with a woman who can’t keep herself together long enough to love him back even for a second, lies? Must I feed him with the lie that she will be whole again? Right now, at the moment, in this very second, I think I am doing good by giving him the comforting lies when the hard truth will hit him like a truck later on. I am a healer, but I am no miracle worker. I cannot fix something that was meant to be broken unless the one who broke her leaves her life. However, despairing it may be, it is written in the stars for her to be broken unless the stars are rewritten. How do I tell the man who still remembers her from when she was whole and free that she will forever be a detainee to the brokenness that plagues her soul?
Every time I fix her, he comes back. He comes back, longing for a solution as he cannot accept the truth. He is blind to the truth in front of him as he only sees the liveliness in her eyes. Though it is true the eyes are the windows to the soul but in this case, that woman has curtains over the windows, curtains of lies that act as a barricade to the truth. She will not let him see what is truly keeping her from being whole again as he is the reason. He is so blind that he cannot see that the reason she is broken is because of him. And only him.
That woman spent every waking hour, every breathe that she had and every spare moment, fixing the man that she loved when he broke. She spent all her hours making sure every crack, every wound was healed to perfection, leaving him better than he was before. But during this whole procedure, all he did was push her away. Yell at her. Abuse her. Complain about her. Treat her like utter garbage. However, she ignored all of this as she was so in love with this man, it became her duty and responsibility to fix him. Her love for him was poison but she drank it anyway. And in the end, she fixed him; he broke her.
Now she is broken. Every piece, every fragment, every particle inside of her body, which seems more of a corpse than a living body, is scattered, unable to reconnect to build a stable and complete human being. And he has not a single clue as to how he can fix her, so he brought her to me. However, I know that the only way she will ever be whole again is to leave the very thing that broke her in the first place. But tell me, tell me how, how shall I tell this man that the only way he can make this woman whole again is by letting her leave him?
However, if he truly loved her he wouldn’t come to me to fix her. He would fix her himself. He wasn’t in love with her anymore he was in love with every reminiscence engraved in the cracks of her skin. He did not love her, it was so obvious, he did not love her in the way she
needed to be loved. To fall in love with someone who has fallen apart is to love each and every one of their broken fragments and building them back up.
Why? You may ask. Why has she not given up on him? It is not easy to give up on a person that you think about every waking hour. It’s not easy to give up on a person who makes you smile just by thinking of them. It’s not easy to give up on a person who showed you what love was in the first place. It’s not easy to give up on the only love you’ve ever known. It’s so hard loving someone, who is constantly hurting you, so deeply but sometimes love is toxic and there is nothing you can do other than accept the fact that sometimes love is worth letting go. Even if it may be hard to give up on a person, there are other factors that keep her from giving up on him. Fear. The fear of never being loved again. He is the only love she has ever known, what if he is the last love she will ever know? What if she never falls in love again? The fear, the doubts, the emptiness, the toxic love is what breaks her. Her incapability to control her fear is what is controlling her.
She knows he will not understand. Because the only way he would understand is if he went through the same thing and she doesn’t want to hurt him. But to free herself she has to let go of him but to let go of him, is to let go of her only love.
Must I tell him, or must I tell her? Tell her that she must let go of him who broke her or tell him that the only way she will be fixed is if he leaves. If I tell him, he may just run, run before she even gets the chance to do the letting go, he would just run away before she even gets to fix herself.
I have this need to fix her. I can’t leave her broken. I can see the agony, the terror that this man put her through. All the rivers that this woman has cried for this man he did not deserve. He does not deserve the endless amounts of love and passion this woman has given him. He does not deserve the privilege to love this woman, he does not deserve her heart of gold.
I looked at her soul, the one hidden behind those curtains in her eyes, oh how beautiful her soul was, and I whispered “To fix yourself, you must let go. Let go of the one who broke you” she froze. Tears came out of her eyes, letting go a disappointed yet knowing sigh as she quietly nodded her head. It’s like she already knew what she had to do but she didn’t do it. All along she knew she had to let go but she didn’t let go instead she let herself suffer in vain. She loved him, you could tell she loved him. But is love really worth that much pain? she loved him, but he did not love her, did she know that? But if she did then why would she still not let go.
She stood up, her figure stood strong and proud like the mightiest mountain, a tear running down her face that was a powerful river rushing, running, flowing down the mountain. That tear did not make her weak, it made her strong. She wiped it away and opened her mouth.
She said with a quiet yet sturdy voice “you broke me and now you must go.” He did not shed even a single tear, not even one. Instead, he just looked her in the eyes with a sigh of relief like he was happy he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. He looked at her like she was a problem that he doesn’t need to deal with anymore. He looked at her with a slight hint of pain, of hurt but it didn’t matter to him if he was going to lose her. That man smirked and walked out that door like it was nothing. He did not love her.
Her mouth wide open, she fell. She collapsed on to the floor. She didn’t even make a sound; she didn’t need to. All the words in the world seemed to have disappeared, all the hurt was gone. Her tears, they did not shed but she drowned in them. Her thoughts, her brain, her soul they drowned in the tears inside of her. Her emotions were a tsunami. Every feeling, every emotion at its fullest, compassion, empathy, love, anger, despair all at the same time. They took over her in just a second. She slowly closed her ocean blue eyes, to suffer the great depths of emotions in peace. How does one find peace in the middle of a tsunami? It will forever remain a mystery, a mystery just as mysterious as her.
She took in a deep breath, it was like she decided to bring her head out of the water and just breathe. Her ocean blue eyes opened seeming clearer and more open than before, she lifted the curtains. Her eyes were an aberration that drowned me. She realized she didn’t need him. She realized that he did not love her. He did not love her; not like I do.
I loved her, I thought to myself quietly. How could I fall in love like this? But can you blame me? She was an angel. I loved the way her wavy, chocolate brown hair fell on her shoulders and how it bounced every time she walked. I loved how she was a mystery, she was always hiding something, something for me to figure out. I fell in love with her eyes, her deep ocean blue eyes. Her eyes held a vast ocean of secrets that never ceased to captivate me. Her eyes were full of stories and moments that will remain a mystery. A mystery that I hope to solve. I never thought that I would fall in love before, but she changed my whole perspective on life, she made me believe the power in love.
Before I even had the chance to tell her, she stood up. She stood up, glanced my way with her captivating eyes, the ones I fell in love with, and she gave me a subtle nod and a smile, that I will never forget, as she walked away. I watched her leave. I saw how her pieces were finally coming together as she walked with pride and confidence. However, as I watched her walk away before I stopped her to tell her what I felt, I realized that if I did truly love her, I would let her heal herself before I asked her to love me back.
I still long for her love. I remember her the way her ocean eyes sparkled when she walked away that day. She was so incredible it's hard to explain. She was just simply beautiful from
the way she looked to the way she could say a million things in just one sigh. I’ve met many other women, but I look for her in all of them. So many things I could want in the world but all I want is her, so I’ll search all the oceans in the world for her, I’ll wait. Does she know that I’m waiting? No, but I won’t let that stop me.
She is the only star in the night sky, the only flower in the garden, I will wait till the last ocean dries up; she is the only ocean I will ever need, the only one that I will ever love. I’ll wait for her forever.