I’m twenty five and plus something nearing almost thirty. And surprisingly it doesn’t scare me. You see, my twenties have already taken me through the ride which awaits most of us in our thirties or fourties or so on.
I can’t remember how the voice of my father was as he left me so early in life and now my mother has gone too. They both have crossed the line of unknown leaving me here, alone. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve drugged myself to sleep, I’ve shopped my bank account into zero. I’ve already gone through the middle Age crisis. It was adventurous and one adventure being ‘friendships’ and ‘best friends’.
When you have grown up in a boarding school, few things change in your life. Your peers become your distant cousins, your teachers become your guardians, your dorm rooms becomes your home. And your boarding school turns into your very own mini world. And after iving in such close knit cocoon, almost no one escapes the affection we go on to harbour for those, with whom we spent our every waking hour. I being no exception.
I was full of it all. I had this long string whom I had loved very much. And even after saying our goodbyes and at college, I held them all very close to my heart. Yes. I was that girl. Holding on. I cared for them very much. And I tried my best to still make myself available to them despite the hectic schedule of my med school. My mother always told me ‘Baby girl, You should invest in yourself too’ but I had shrugged it off’. And my roommate from college never failed to say ‘Huda! you scare me’. Today I understand what they both meant.
I don’t blame any one of them. I had an amazing time with each one of them and however long it lasted, it was quite good, although not much fruitful but Yea, good. So if you wondering why my sudden urge to write about ‘friends’ and ‘best friends’, well ‘facebook’ inspired me to do this. Yes, that most used social media today. In my observation, I hadn’t gone a single day without finding some love infused post pertaining to friends and best friends (I hope it’s not just an Indian thing).
Every post reads - how much love there is in between them and how they would like their bestie’s next boyfriend/spouse to know ‘xyz’ and ‘pqrs’ about them, and how they will always stay with each other and etc etc (honestly the list is so long that I can’t fit it all together). Reading all that fills me with laughter.
I mean, get real babes ! You aren’t in ‘FRIENDS’ or ‘SEX AND THE CITY’. The chances are none of us are going to find a Monica to our Rachel, or a Phoebe, or a Samantha or a Joey to our Chandler. Very highly unlikely. And if anyone of you are thinking that I’m acting mean and acting like a rejected lover so the answer is No. Because those around me have seen and lived through that old version of Me who has given her best to those whom she had kept very close to heart. But the thing is, I didn’t find any one of them near when I had needed them the most. When my world was exploding, none of them showed up to be my anchor. None of them. And those who did, they didn’t fail to remind me of it (what’s genuine about that?)
So my point being, there’s nothing called ‘best friends’ or that unconditional friendship. Everything is subject to change and purely lies upon circumstances and yours and theirs convenience. We are human, a social animal, and can’t live a life of isolation. And none of us should. The only thing we are required to do is make yourself the first priority even if that disturbs the time with your friends. Look out for yourself because in the end, we are all that is left with us. So Give your time to that person who has been living inside of you since the time you were born. Make friends but never forget to draw a line in between them and your heart. Be your own best friend which sounds silly, I know, but trust me you will be the happiest when you hit your tower moment.
The topper of my nation’s one of the toughest examination for the post of administrative services (IAS - Indian administrative services) said something in her interview which has made home in me. She spoke about how she cut herself out from everyone and everything which wasn’t serving her to reach her dream goal. She talked about how her friends always complained of her not being able to give them time. And she ended with one sentence which was ‘The whole time I kept thinking, if I manage to study today despite my no social life, I will be able to do something great tomorrow’. She chose not to give in to her friends’s constant complain, she chose herself and She went on to reach the platform of enjoying the highest form of admiration.
Author Notes: To my friends and best friends -
I will always love you all. It’s just that my heart doesn’t like you all anymore no matter how hard I try that it did. You all did hurt me by not showing up.
Although I miss the companionship but really! Is it all worth it when you can’t have your friends in your hard times? No, it isn’t.
I will always wish the best for you all but only after I’ve prayed for the ‘best’ for me.
I’m grateful to have known you all but I’m never going to be that girl again waiting on you. Never.
Thankyou for teaching the best and the worst. It has made me more stronger and I’m beginning to learn that it’s my fight and i gotta lose or win on my own.
Hope you all doing well !
Love ; always.
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India • 31 years old