Grief

Dec. 13

You-

I realize this letter won’t reach you. I suppose I thought it would make me feel better if I wrote it anyway. Some people would say you’re not so far away, but to me the distance is immense. Letters, messages, thoughts, hopes— none of them can reach you anymore. Not mine.

Did you really leave? There can’t be anyone there who wants you more than we— than I— do here. Are you happier there? Don’t you know how much we— I— miss you? I miss you so, so much. Whether I’m awake or asleep or anywhere in between; every day, every hour, every minute and second, I feel the empty space you used to fill burning through me until I can’t believe there’s any of me left to hurt.

If you could come back… would you?

-Me

Dec. 21

You-

It’s been a long day.

Funerals always take a long time.

Yours seemed longer than the others I’ve been to.

-Me

Dec. 24

You-

Everyone wants me to talk about it. But if I talk about it, then it will be real. As long as I write letters and pretend they will be delivered and you’ll read them and respond, it’s not real. You’re not really gone. You’ll come back.

Right?

-Me

Jan. 3

You-

Why did you do it? Did you even think about how the rest of us would feel?

It was quick, nearly painless for you.

What about the rest of us? The weeks have been so long since the day you stepped on the tracks, every moment stretched out into a torturous eternity that no one else understands.

Did you think about us— about me— at all?

-Me

Jan. 8

You-

I think if you were here, you would tell me that there’s something I can do. But what? I have so many questions and no answers.

What if… I can’t do it without you?

I’m afraid no one will understand. I’m afraid it’s all in my head and I won’t know where to go from here and it’ll all turn out wrong…

What if I’m right and I’ll never see you again? What will I do?

-Me

Jan. 12

You-

I used to be put together. I thought I had things where I wanted them. I thought I had friends and support and everything I needed and wanted.

Now I don’t have anything. You really were my only friend. Like the moon and the earth, you gave me direction, a purpose to orbit. What could I have done to keep you with me? How could I not realize how bad things were? I should have done something when I could. Now there’s nothing I can do and no one to stop me from spinning endlessly into empty space…

-Me

Jan. 23

You-

I was a terrible friend before you… died… and clearly, that hasn’t changed. I shouldn’t be happy when you’re still gone, but somehow the sadness slipped my mind for a moment. There are other good people in this world. I know they mean well.

But I don’t want them to replace you. They’re not going to replace you. I’m sorry I even suggested it.

Please forgive me.

-Me

Feb. 1

You-

Do you think it’s okay to move on? If you could reply to my letters, would you write back and say that it’s okay that I love other people now? I hope so. I’m trying to believe it when people tell me it’s what you would want. I want to accept that I feel better now, caring for myself and letting people in, than I did when I held on so tightly to my pain. I hope that letting go of my pain doesn’t make you think I’m letting go of you. Again.

-Me

Feb. 8

You-

You know what? I think it’s going to be okay. I still miss you— so much more than I can say, almost more than I can bear, some days.

But despite that, life is still moving forward. And that’s okay. You’re still with me in the ways that matter most, and I think I can do more for myself and others than I ever have before. I hope that the same is true for you.

-Me

‘Me’-

I realize this letter won’t reach you. But I like to imagine that it will, just to see that sweet, half-hidden smile on your face that has become so rare since I left.

I like to imagine that you could find peace on the nights when you’re kept up by lonely tears, missing me and wondering how life will ever be okay again.

But I know you’re going to be alright. I’m so happy to see that you know that, too. We all have to let go of things: time and joy, and friends, and life itself. I think you’re beginning to understand that; I am, too.

No one could ask for a better friend than you. Even if you forget me, never forget that.

-‘You’

Author Notes: These letters are meant to show the stages of grief.

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