Let me begin with the stone age question 'how are you?' I'm someone with only a sibling as a parent figure. I'm stuck at a college way pass my graduation time limit with a load of attendance to go through before I get to say syonara to this dampy place. By the way I wonder what happened to the 'college is going to be fun'. But let me not go exploring that. For now I'll stick to 'how are You?'
So yea. I have one sibling who does everything to make me feel secure and safe but that's not why I'm here writing this. We lost our mother. At some point we all have to or had already gone through. It's difficult. Yes it is to go on living each day with no parents back home worrying about you. But still we all make it through the day. Well, at least we try to and interestingly with lot of caffeine support and self prep talk , we make it to dusk.
But how do you go on doing this with no one who would actually wanna know 'how am I?' No one does. People just ask you 'how are you doing?' so that we can say 'I'm fine' and they don't have to listen your sob story. But sometimes I just wanna let go and not keep everything bottle inside. You know what's tough, deciding on my own whether to cry tonight or just go to sleep. I wanna go and scream my heart out without having anyone to give me that pitty look. I'm sad. Yes I'm. But pitty is not what I need. I need to be heard. To be listened to. And to be able to cry without having to worry if I have embarrassed the other person or embarrassed myself. I wanna feel human.
Every one I know gives me pitty word. They tell me how badly they want me to succeed or how they know I'll pass once I take my exams or how I too am going to graduate. But news flash , I know all that. I know I'm gonna nail my exams. I know I'm going to succeed. I know I'm brilliant when focussed. I know I've potential. They don't need to keep telling me that. I'm tired listening to their banter. And the other thing I'm tired of is being said that I'm so strong. But please, for once would anyone look into my eyes and let me be weak. I can't keep it together. I want to let it all go and feel weak and not feel the need to show myself up as brave.
My only problem is that I can't bring all this on my sibling. I can't because he tells me 'we can't let others see us weak'. And he is right in thinking so. I know that. We live in a world where people take advantage of the ones they think are vulnerable. And for now we both have no one to chaperone us from the manipulative section of the society. We gotta stand firmly without giving away glimpses of our still weeping wound. It's difficult on him too. Sometimes I wanna hug him and cry. But i can't do that either because he never forgets to tell me that I'm his strength. I don't want to dissapoint him.
So I guess there's days like this for which we need our friends. But lucky me, I got no friends who would have cared enough to stick by me through all this. And to say how much I had loved them when my heart was happy would be a silly thing. And that makes me alone with my own company which is not that bad once you overlook how badly it hurts when you spent almost every night sobbing into your pillow.
To keep my sanity intact, I keep reading books. Lot many of them. Paulo Coelho makes an amazing pal. Burn my pocket by re-modelling my hostel room, online shopping. Binge eating and sip on litre of caffeine. Yea I know I'm killing my heart. But that's what gets me through. I wish it wasn't this bad. I wish I had a healthy get over resources to last me until my heart was happy again.
Nobody knows this because no body looks me into the eye and asks 'How are you?' And this has made me so vulnerable that I almost end up doing something I know I would have lost me, the me who is naive but sweet. And I never wanna loose that me. And that's the reason I wish I had someone who would keep me away from my regretful impulse choices. But I guess I is what I got for now.
And that's okay because I know that for now I'm enough but I pray that I find happiness again.
Author Notes: You is kind , you is brave , and this too shall pass.