I have deleted the first 5 chapters of this story. To all those out there in the world this final chapter is all that is of value. I hope who ever reads it understands it and whom understands it - believes it.
I have decided and I am going to make a commitment to myself. I am going to, as the days and weeks pass, to be open and honest with myself. About my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I will let the feelings unearth and be heard and as much as I possibly can – accept them. I am open to being wrong and am prepared to grow.
The past is the past for a reason and must remain back there. I look to the future and I commit to giving myself a chance at happiness. In fact I CHOOSE happiness. Not other peoples happiness – my own happiness. I choose to love my life and everything that it is, and everything that it isn’t. I will be fair to my feelings and thoughts and am ready for whatever this life has to offer.
If the truth is the truth and all there is is confusion – I will act on that. If the truth is something different to what I originally thought I will accept that I am human and I make mistakes and I am merely mortal trying to comprehend and live life to the fullest. I will accept if this it not my fait as I once saw it. I will also accept if my wrong doing was wrong doing and needs to be rectified.
I will not subject myself to my own jury and prosecution and will move forward and do whatever it is I can to make my life work. I will not throw away everything I have work for but start to work towards what I enjoy doing and making those things happens.
I will let go of what I cannot control And take responsibility. I will not initiate, create or transfer blame from what has happened in the past. I will allow this world to be what it knows I can not change it and that I am a part of something bigger.
If this man or the next is wrong for me I will realise it – but move on very quickly I will not dwell on. If I am 100% certain he or they are right for me I will do what I can to help that be long term. I am only a person with a brain and one that is slightly dysfunctional due to traumatic experiences. I will work with this and I will choose happiness, always. Because we all deserve it. We all have choice to be who we are and we have a choice every single day to make it a life worth living. And we do that by nothing more than a single thought – nothing else.
Today my choice is that this life is worth living. It doesn't’t need to be spectacular everyday and I don’t need to be drowning in heartache to feel something. I can feel and I can love without pain attached. I can control my thoughts and I will endeavor the sync them as best I can with my emotions, or more so my emotions with my thoughts.
I will stop putting myself down. I will do what I can and when I can and I will love with all my heart as that is who I am. I will do what I know best. And most of all – I will love myself to the day I take my last breath. For I am all that I am, and all that I ever will be.