I can barely feel my heartbeat; it was wrenched so tight that it has probably shrink into a size of a golf ball. You feel like taking a knife and stab at the heart, then twist it so that it will loosen up the grip. Actually, probably best to twist and then pull it out. It would have ended all that suffer.
I have imagined this scenario for hundred times in my life. I have not, however, actually done it. Today, I started imagining the knife in the kitchen that I used to chop the garlic on last Saturday and the other bigger knife that can cut through the chicken bone. The smaller one has a sharp pointy edge but it’s quite blunt when I used it on Saturday. It probably needs to be sharpened.
Will it go through my cardiac bone or it can’t? What if the cardiac bone blocks the entrance? I have not thought about this question before. I have always imagined the sharp pointy knife slicing through the skin straight to the heart, twist and then pulled out. Fine, what’s the alternative?
What about slicing the wrist? My first memory with slicing the wrist was during primary school. It was not me. It was one of my close friends that time (we grew apart). We would go to the school together and also share the ride home. One day, I saw her puffy eyes and the scar on her wrist. I was shocked and I didn’t know what to say or ask. I kept quiet. I later learnt that it was not her first time doing it.
How did she do it? Was it a knife, a scissors or a paper-cutter? Again, my mind is programmed with the picture of my blunt knife that I used on Saturday to chop garlic. If I were to use that knife, can I just cut once and it cuts through the vein and that’s it? Or does the bluntness of the knife only tear up the outer layer of the skin in an ugly manner?
I saw a new ruler in my pencil box holder and the edges seem pointy. When the edge was pressed against the skin, there’s a sharp pain. Brushed it hard against the skin with some force, you see some fine lines on the skin. I forgot how many times have I used that ruler to slice the wrist, the pain has quietly creep in.
What is the better way to end this without much of hassle and suffering? I then think of inhaling gas or charcoal during my sleep. The poisonous gas will slowly go into my organs through my breathing while I was sleeping shutting them down one by one. I would not feel any pain or suffocation during the whole process. The question is “how to do this”? If I were to do it in my house, it will kill everyone in the family. I guessed the only way is to do it inside my car, but I would need a long pipe to connect the gas into the car.
The thought of committing suicide comes and goes, sometimes it comes real hard and you feel short of breath. The heart wrenching pain was almost real and it feels like taking it out is the only solution to ease the pain.
It’s hard to continue living, it’s probably easier to just end every pain now. There’s another thought that came to me now – what about the people that was left behind? What if this situation screws their life forever? What if they feel guilty of not understanding why would I commit suicide? It’s easier to be the person that runs away, the one who stays in the ground are trapped in the circle.
Why didn’t the car accident that happened 4 years ago take away my life? It would have been much easier, left with no pain and leaving no guilt. But if I was meant to stay, I will stay alive for another night.