Cougars are amazing because the have zero expectation. They’ve already dealt with a ton of assholes just like you throughout they’re lonely, asshole filled lives, and now that they’re a little bit older and a little bit wiser, they realize that their false idea of what a relationship is supposed to be and their unreal expectations of what men can do for them is what has lead to their disappointment in companionship, not the other way around.
Knowing this, in order to pick up a cougar all you need is a few cans of beer, some cigarettes, a joint that’s been in a refrigerator for a few days and a bus token…
It’s a Thursday.
I wake up, take a shower and head to work early.
Today is The Office’s 20th anniversary and we’ve got to prepare to entertain seven hundred people.
Thursdays are always good days to throw parties because when you wake up feeling like shit on Friday, its “technically” the weekend so you can still go out and party as soon as the clock strikes 5:00 PM.
Three co-workers and I load up the freight elevator with fifty cases of beer, a few cases of Vodka, half a dozen cases of wine, and bottles of everything from Jäger to Peppermint Schnapps. We fully stock two separate bars, place some cigarettes in wine glasses, show around two hot bartenders, order some food to be catered and show the band where to set up.
We’re good to go.
People begin to turn up around 4:30 PM.
I get my drinking underway by 4:45 PM.
I’m stylishly drunk by 5:15 PM.
The early crowd consists of mostly industry people that are stopping in for a quick drink before going out for dinner or heading home.
The losers as I like to call them.
Anyway, five hours of unhealthy drinking passes as the professional crowd thins out and the wolves start to pile in. By 11:00 PM there are so many people in The Office that it’s almost impossible to walk. The band is killing it and the head count is hovering around our expected seven hundred.
I’m beyond smashed, roaming around the party asking chicks “did you just grab my ass?” hoping it will double as a pick up line as wellas a chauvinistic pig of a remark, when out of my peripherals I spot an older woman dancing on a chair.
I figure she’s got to be in her late 30’s.
Not too old, but old enough…
As I scope out The Cougar I'm convinced that on any other given Thursday she would be rocking out to "Shout to the Heart” crushing beer cans on her forehead asking men to pull her finger but at the moment she seems very mellow and extremely feminine as she erotically sways her hips to the melodic sound of the band, while she towers above the crowd on her own private pedestal.
I approach The Cougar, motion for her to bend down and say, “Can I get you another beer?”
She says, “yes please” while wearing a seductive smile.
I come back with her drink, put my arm around her waist and gaze up at her like I have something important to say. She bends down to listen and as she exposes her neck to me, I exhale slowly and heavily on it, give her a passionate kiss, then stick my tongue in her ear. I feel her body cover in goose bumps, so I turn her face to mine and begin making out with her. After a brief tongue wrestling session, I propose leaving to go somewhere “a little more comfortable.”
We waste no time grabbing our jackets.
She rushes me downstairs into a cab and suggests we go back to her place, which, in all fairness, is probably a lot more comfortable then the dumpster I had planned on taking her behind.
During the trip to her place there is some heavy petting accompanied by even heavier breathing (I think she might have been asthmatic) until we finally arrive at her lair which is located in student housing…
Which is cool…
If you're a student…
We take a seat in The Cougars living room and I inquire if it’s okay to smoke inside. She says yes then goes to the freezer and pulls out a pre-rolled joint. She sits crossed legged on the floor in front of me, closes her eyes and looks as if she’s about to start meditating…
Then starts to meditate…
I ask, "Are you all right?"
She responds, "I have to prepare myself."
I think, “Prepare yourself? Doesn't that me you should be in the bathroom rinsing off your ass or in the kitchen massaging a hotdog?” but don’t say anything.
Minutes (which feel like hours) roll by and I consider bailing on Gandhi but decide to take off my clothes instead. Once I’m naked, I perch myself behind her and start rubbing her shoulders and quietly panting to myself. I kiss her neck, which for some bizarre reason makes me super horny so I push my boner against her lower back and try to interrupt her trance.
The Cougar comes to after spiritually getting in touch with her vadge and says “that’s better” then sparks up her freezer burnt joint. After we smoke, she turns around and begins to make out with me. I recline back on her high-end furniture (a beanbag chair in the middle of the room) and as I do this she starts to suck my dick.
After some terribly good oral, I pull up The Cougar, carry her tiny frame into the bedroom and chuck it onto the bed. As I go to put it in, she whispers soft and gently,"No."
Which we all know means, "Yes."
I guess you had to be there…
Round 1:I toss this petite female around her room and bang her with all my might. I lick her ass (for my pleasure,) lick her armpit (for my pleasure,) and sex her in about twenty different positions, the final one being while she’s on her back, with her legs clamped together and knees pushed towards her face, making her thirty year old mitt feel more like a twenty year olds.
She cums, then I cum.
I’m satisfied with my performance and hers wasn’t absolute shit, so all in all it was a good lay. I’m a great deal out of breath so I throw on my boxer shorts and go out to her living room to have a smoke. I only have a minute to think “what an exciting, intense and exhausting experience” before she comes out of her room in a cute little sheer nighty and starts to dance for me, which brings my *humongous cock back to life. She says nothing as she kneels in front of me, pulls my dick through my boxers and begins to blow me.
I wish all women felt this strongly about blowjobs.
Round 2:I stand up and position her onto her knees. I leave my boxers on and firmly plant my feet behind her for maximum leverage, flip up her nightgown, which exposes her bathing suit area, spit on it, put it in and make the sex hard and deep.
Seeing as this is the second round, I last for an extended period of time and when I cum, my sweaty body just collapses onto her sweaty body and I grin a goofy smile at her.
Satisfied with another job well done, I grab my smokes and light one. As I try to tuck my *humongousflaccid penis back into my boxers, The Cougar sets up a block by pushing me onto my back and putting my dick in her mouth again.
Horny little thing, isn't she?
Round 3:I bang her again but it’s nothing spectacular. I hammer away for what seems like hours as the seconds roll by. I’m having spasms in my thighs and calves and am suffering from a wicked cramp on my right side.
I sex her doggy style and doggy style only, wheezing all the while.
The whole experience hurts like hell and although it seems futile, after focusing and staying determined, I finally cum. I can’t locate my load but I don’t look for it very long because in all likely hood it was just a blank anyway.
Relived, I thank Jesus it’s over and sit back to try and light another smoke.
The Cougar sits down on the floor in front of me and starts to pull off my boxers as I faintly plead with her, “Please…no…”
She pretends not to hear me and begins sucking me off again.
I hate sex.
Round 4:We have the sex again, if you can even call it that. I lie on my back pretending to enjoy myself but can’t even do that as The Cougar reveals her true nature to me when she sticks one of her fingers in my ass.
I try to call her a fag but all that comes out is a barely audible moan.
I fake an orgasm, shoot some steam, and use every scrap of power I have to grab her by the face and push her off me onto the floor.
I say a prayer to Ala and thank him for letting the rape come to an end.
I try to roll into the fetal position so I can cry myself to sleep but she pins me on my back and there is nothing between her and my cock, so she just starts to suck me off again.
Round 5:The Cougar sucks, fingers, jerks, licks, pinches, bites, sniffs, farts but nothing breathes life back into my dick.
I blame it on the Whiskey and tell her “normally I have a boner 24 hours a day” but we both know I’m lying.
My dick wants nothing to do with this insatiable hag.
She looks me up and down and smugly says “I think you’ve had enough” then tells me to go to sleep, which I'm happy to do.
I crawl into her bed defeated and thank God it’s over.
Right before I fall asleep she snuggles up to me and I’m so conquered that I can’t even push her off me, or go to lie on the floor.
I have a dream of fingers being put in things they shouldn’t and wake up feeling nauseous.
The Cougar's in the shower and on a scale of 1 – 10, I feel like an F.
I feel so terrible in fact that I can't even muster up enough energy to rifle through her belongings and leave without saying goodbye. I can barley move my junk hurts so badly. I hobble over to the bathroom and ask if I can use her toothbrush.
She says, "Seeing as you just had your dick in my mouth all night, it's only fair."
What a pig.
I ask her if she can give me a lift to work and she says “sure” with a smirk as she hands me a bus token. On the streetcar we don't have much to speak about, so I say, “My names Nick, what's yours?”
She tells me who she is and I tell her“it was a pleasure to meet you. We should do this again sometime” and my dick quivers a little in fear.
I get off the streetcar three stops early to walk for a bit because the awkwardness between us is just too awkward. I arrive at The Office and it’s a disaster. The receptionist is there but that’s it. No one else bothered to show up for work. I feel like garbage so I decide to just leave. I ride the streetcar home and have pleasant thoughts about The Cougar that give me a boner…
Accompanied by a bout of queasiness.
*I replaced “Tiny” with “Humongous” here in order to appeal to my female readers.