I know that it’s been easy to see,
That deep down I’m not happy.
This is no new thing of course,
But lately its been getting worse.
My hope has been falling further.
More and more each day.
If I could sleep all day I would,
But at night I’m kept awake by pain.
My meds try to force me down,
Yet the thoughts in my mind refuse to quiet.
And so I lie and drown.
In the pain of this disquiet.
My body is exhausted, as is my mind.
Yet it seems they work against each other.
Each striving and waiting to find,
Further ways to hurt me,
Further ways to destroy my mind.
This poem is to you dad,
To tell you that I’m sorry.
I can no longer live in this place,
So again, I’m sorry.
I had held this naive hope,
That things would be better here.
That there would be a little more life,
And a little less fear.
But instead it’s so much worse,
Because here I’m claustrophobic.
It may in fact seem strange, I suppose.
When in Wiggins, though surrounded by people.
I still felt alone.
Yet here living with you…
I cannot take your softest tone.
It makes me want to lash out and hurt you,
Yet I refuse to spit hatred,
So I turn my heart to stone.
I’m not asking you to change,
Or for you to try and change me.
I’m asking for your blessing
To let me find me.
I cannot do that here
For within your stictures I’m dying.
I feel trapped here and surrounded.
Everyday I’m fighting.
Everyday is a battle
And I am sorely losing,
For I have not the tools,
Nor my weapons of choosing.
You cannot help me to change for the better.
Don’t take this personally for that's not how I mean it.
I simply need a change, a change for the better.
You seem to think that logic and facts,
Can back up every word.
You think that if you could but read the right books,
Or if I would say the right words,
You could understand how I’m feeling.
And in turn feed me the words,
That could fix every little thing;
You hope and pray that you could...
Because you think that a good parent could...
Or a good parent should...
And a good parent would.
I need something more than meds.
More than your support.
I need to find my faith again
And beg for God’s support.
God is in my roots,
For I knew him in my youth,
Here I cannot feel him,
And I long to touch his peace.
I must go back home to find him,
I must go to find my peace.
My place is back in Wiggins,
No matter how you deny it.
I know you may not forgive this.
And that you will try and fight it.
But I can no longer depend on you,
Or on your’s and Deb’s support.
I must find my own way through.
To find my own support.
It’s nothing against you.
Or how you decided to parent.
But rather the blame lies on me.
That much is apparent.
I am broken deep inside,
And I cannot fix it.
I’m being torn apart inside,
And no one else can fix it.
My soul is shredded and bleeding,
And I can do naught to fix it.
I'm begging, pleading, screaming, crying,
Asking God to fix it.
Hard though you may try,
You never will persuade me.
Convince me to keep on living,
While I lie awake dying.
I’ve accepted this fact,
As should you.
But I am not accepting my death,
And neither should you.
I am simply stating, that the reason that I’m fighting?
Is truly not for you.
I fight now for myself,
I fight now to be free.
I fight because I believe
That there is someone somewhere,
Watching over me.