I can hear the crowd through the wall.
They're loud.
Screams and cheers flow through the audience filling up the whole giant room.
I don't know why they're so excited. We've never played in front of this many people before. They're probably just trying to be supportive of our band. I think. They should lower their expectations. We aren't that good. I lie to myself.
The truth is that I want them to cheer for us. The truth is that I think we're great enough to deserve all the screams and claps and compliments...
But the truth is also that my twin brother Eli was very sick with an unknown disease. A disease that I wish I had instead of him. I'd trade my life for his in an instant if it meant I wouldn't have to watch my brother slowly die right in front of me.
We've been there for each other ever since we were born. We've been through everything together. He was there when I practically went insane and was sent to a mental facility. I was there when he was diagnosed with a disease that has no known cure. And now.. He's slipping away from me.
The truth is that he had to have immediate surgery the day before the big concert. He was going to be in the front row or wherever he wanted to be, just as long as he was here.
But he's not. He's recovering from a surgery that wasn't supposed to happen until next week. He was probably resting right now.
He shouldn't have to fight for his right to live.
I kick the wall and immediately regret it. I force myself to keep a straight face knowing a little pain in my foot is nothing compared to what Eli endures. I kick the wall again and again, quietly cursing for allowing myself to even think about how happy I am on stage while my brother has endless surgeries I know he hates.
"Chase?" Someone says but I don't turn around. I continue kicking and cursing, kicking and cursing.
"Chase stop!"
I realize Daniel is standing beside me staring at me horrified.
The rest of my band walks over, their faces a mix of worry and confusion. They know I have mental.. issues, despite how hard I try to hide them. Then again, we all have some sort of condition.
"Are you alright?" Elliot asks, coming closer to me.
I look down at the floor.
"I'm fine." I mumble.
"You sure?" Daniel asks, "You didn't look fine."
I can't hide anything from my band. We've known each other for so long. We know all of each other's secrets.
I inhale.
Then exhale trying to calm down.
"He should be here." I say trying to hide all of the emotions bubbling up inside of me.
"We know." Kadon says. He takes a deep breath, then continues, "But he's trying to get better.."
He keeps talking trying to keep me calm, but it's just not working.
"Wouldn't you like to have him watch the rest of our concerts?" I hear him say.
I lose it after that.
"I want him HERE!" I yell, not caring if the audience can hear me over their cheering that is becoming more and more aggravating. "I need him here." I whisper.
"Chase," Shane says, putting down his guitar and walking over to me. "Breathe." He instructs, looking at me with his gentle green eyes.
I want to fight back, I want to argue. But there's something about him that seems to calm everyone down. The rest of the band is looking more relaxed with Shane taking control. I decide that I should listen to him and inhale deeply. I exhale slowly and feel calmer already.
"Feel better?" Shane asks, his eyes searching me for some hint that I might blow up again.
"Yeah." I answer as calmly as I can. I think about the band. I love them to death. We are definitely not perfect, but I'd rather have them than perfect any day. Kadon keeps us all in time with his drums. Elliot's guitar skills are on point every time he plays. Shane can play anything on his guitar too. Daniel's voice is perfect, and he always hits the right notes.
Then there's me. I know I rock on the bass. But sometimes I feel like the band would be perfect.. Without me.
Elliot reads me like a book and shakes his head.
"We need you in our band Chase." He says. Everyone agrees and nods their heads. Someone backstage comes over and tells us there's five minutes till showtime.
Suddenly my thoughts are flying and fear is taking control of me. My face must show pure terror because everyone looks at me worried.
"I can't go on without Eli here." I tell them. They all have the same look on their faces. A look that says "that's not gonna happen, I'm sorry". I know they're right, I know that there's no point in hoping he'll be here anymore. But it's like I'm understanding it for the first time. My brother, my best friend, the one person that will never judge me...
Isn't going to be at my first concert.
I fall to my knees and everyone crowds around me. But they're voices are distant. I feel numb. I'm crying. Tears are rolling down my face like raindrops falling through the sky. I sit down, hug my legs to my chest and rest my head on my knees. I block out all the noise. I want to hide from the world. I want to become nothing.
"Chase- w-we're going on now." I hear Kadon's hesitant voice. I look up and everyone has their instrument. Kadon puts down his drumsticks, picks up my bass, the one that Eli surprised me with on our 14th birthday, and holds it while Daniel gives me his hand. I slowly take his hand and am hoisted up to my feet. Kadon gives me my bass and I hug it. I always think of it as Eli giving me strength to play.
"We don't have to go on tonight. You know that right?" Shane says studying me.
"No." Is all I say.
"What?" Daniel asks confused, while Shane continues watching me, trying to figure out what I'm thinking.
"You're going on." I state.
"Not without you." Elliot says.
"Yes.. Without me." I tell them. I've decided that I'm not ruining this night for them.
"No way man." Kadon looks at me directly in the eyes, "Either we all go on, or none of us do."
"Fine." I lie, "Let's go." I put on a fake smile, and hold the door open for them. They hesitantly walk out onto the stage, and as soon as they're all out I shut the door and lock it. I can hear their voices demanding me to open the door and their fists drumming against it.
"I can't" I whisper so quietly I don't think they can hear me. I give my bass one more quick hug then put it down and run.
I run out of the room, out of the building, and I don't stop till I'm nearing a bridge. I walk onto the bridge, cars zooming past me. I stay on the sidewalk and keep walking till I'm at the middle of the bridge. I put my hands on the cool metal railing and look down. Down at the deep river below. I lean on the railing, stare into the night sky, and try to clear my head. Eli doesn't deserve that horrible disease. He doesn't deserve to have to practically live in the hospital. I can't stop thinking about him. About how I can't lose him. He was supposed to be here. I want him to live more than anything, but the disease is taking him away from me. I look back down at the water. I can't watch him die. I tell myself. I lean over the railing of the bridge...
I let go of the railing and let gravity take hold of me.
I never got to say goodbye. I realize, and squeeze my eyes shut to keep from crying. But I can't watch him die. I tell myself.
I can't.
"Goodbye. I'm sorry" I whisper, but my words are lost as I fall into the deep river.
I let the water embrace me, and allow my body to become one with the river. I won't watch him die. Is the last thought I have before I'm plunged into eternal darkness.
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