I feel It

I feel it going out. I feel it shrinking, sinking away slowly. I crawl deeper and deeper into the shell that once was me but is now slowly fading away. I feel the small

I feel so small and so far away. I feel like I can step apart from myself and see her standing there. See myself fading. I feel it. Nothing feels the way it used to anymore. There is no more pure selfish happiness. There are just hours and days and weeks and months. And I’m getting farther and fatter away from myself. I can’t stop thinking about the little teeny tiny baby I had inside me that I just threw away without sitting with them in me and asking them what they want

I was cruel. And now I feel it eating me alive. But I also am incredibly resistant to my own feelings. Who cares? Who wants to know? Who needs to know? That’s right. I feel it.

No one cares and that’s fine. Eventually, I will fade away and be with my little baby again and beg them to forgive me. Forgive me. Please baby forgive me. You would be almost born. So so soon. But I was cruel. But I was cold and scared. I feel it again. That emptiness to sadness to anger to hunger to desperation to feel literally anything else. So I reach for the liquid form of what I want to feel- joy. Baby, please forgive me. I felt you and I will feel you again. Please please forgive me

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