I hate you

I wake up every morning and hope you cried yourself to sleep. I hope your favorite playlist is ruined because all the songs remind you of me. I hope you hate yourself, feel bad, feel guilty, beg me for forgiveness. your just a cheater that’s gonna wreak everyone they claim to love. Some days I hope you grow up to be nothing, but beggar on the road. other days I hope you get everything you ever wanted. I hope you fall in love with someone else and you actually love her as much as you claimed to love me, and I hope you live with guilt, and you hate all that you have because you lost me. I hope I’m in the back of your mind when you kiss her, I hope you close your eyes and picture me when you smell my sent. I hope you keep the movie tickets and I hope they crisp when your tears hit there surface. I gave you back to love letter so maybe you can read them back so much that you manifest your love for me back into existence. This is all that I want but I know things aren’t like that. You probably don’t think of me, and all the songs and just hollow words with catchy beats. When you kiss her your not wishing her lips were mind. You told me once that your mind wonders during a makeout, maybe the thought of me passes by in your mind, maybe you dwell on it, or maybe you move pass. Either way I’m not yours. Sometimes I think I was a decoration, an accessory to you. But when I started to break and fall apart I wasn’t pretty Enough to keep around. I hate you with every piece of me, I cringe at the idea of your hands ever touching me again yet all I wanna do it cry in your arms. And I hate that that’s something I still want. I hate you but I wish I hated you more, I wish every muscle in my body tightened with furry the second your name is bought up. I wish you weren’t my one and only thought. I hate that I’m sitting here, skipping class, to write about how much I hate you. I hate all of it, I hate the way you say my name now, wait I still crave it. And it hurts to admit. I just want to hate you, or maybe I don’t, and instead I wish I could forget you. I say I never want to get back with you but I can’t delete our pictures. Because next October 20th what if I need to post for our one year. Pictures are all I have now. And I can’t stand to look at them. I hate looking at you. Because all I see now are the lies, I see you for who you are now and Im disgusted. But I have that one picture, of you smiling at the camera and I’m smiling at you. Because in the moment I thought you were the one. I know its naive, and stupid but I trying did think that things might work out between us. I gave you everything I could, my tears, my love, my passion, my dedication. I was there for you but you were never there for me. There were no tires, no deception, no passion. Sex. Sex is all you wanted from me, I was a trial run. So you knew what to do for your real true love. Sex I wish I would’ve put off. 1 week into a relationship that shouldnt be the only thing you do. Maybe you were right when you said I’m just trying to hate you, but why shouldn’t I? You lied to me, you cheated on me with the person you told me not to worry about, I almost killed myself and you didn’t know because you said you didn’t have time to deal with my stuff, you forgot my dog died, you canceled on me when I needed you, just to hang out with your ex’s. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I wanna scream and curse your name but I can’t, I want to go fuck 20 different people but I can’t. Because I promised you I would always be yours, and that I would always love you. I hate that because you couldn’t keep your promises I have to break mine too. I want you to go about life knowing that I hate you and I want that to break you.

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