I Never Wanted Any Of It

i never wanted any of this.
i didn't want to be raped. not any of the four times.
i didn't want to cut all those times i did.
i didn't want to love all the scars as they comforted me.
i never wanted to be abandoned only to be moved across the country in search of some unfortunate people to take care of me and the mess that i am.
i never wanted my boyfriend to let me lead him to his suicide.
i didn't want to lead me to my own.
but i never succeeded. not the 27 attempts.
i never asked to be asked.
i just wished some one did.

now, i never wanted to know what happiness was.
are you going to let me feel that without my insecurities?
or are you going to deprive me from that simple thing, too?

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