I would be lying if I said I have never thought about ending life. I have. The first time I thought about it was around eight months after my mother’s demise. If I was to be honest, I would say that give and take I have thought about many ways in which one can die for like near about in double digits.
Ways like - jumping off the balcony or letting the stove on accidentally in the kitchen or just infusing something in a warm cup of tea. These thoughts have never lasted long in my head. At a time, they only live for fraction of seconds soon after which I get rushed with this feeling of fear. Fear of being called weak and honestly! death is painful equally for the ones who close their eyes never to open again.
And the other truth is I WANNA LIVE, live to the fullest of world’s knowledge. I wanna finish med school and do my mandatory internship and be fortunate enough to join residency, I wanna be a Doctor. And I wanna live a life of happiness, health, love and success. I wanna live long enough to see the New York’s skyscrapers, Golden Gate Bridge, travel to France and Rome, watch at least one Shakespeare’s drama in his theatre in London, the Globe theatre and go shoe shopping in Paris and finally settle in, either in the midst of the mountains of Uttarakhand or Himachal of my country.
I am too young to be thinking about taking my own life but I have. I have come so close to doing so and then instinctively jumping back because my desire to live is more powerful than my weakest moment of uncontrollable pain. And these are the very moments which sparks in me that fire of self awareness. It makes my insides burn with only one sentence I AM NOT THAT WEAK. I am so much more stronger even in my darkest times when my weakness strips me off my courage. But there are many who aren’t, WHO SUCCUMB TO THEIR WEAK MOMENTS.
They give in and say their goodbyes abruptly. The reason I am writing this is because even when you think all hope is lost, remind yourself of all the hell you have survived. This evening, as I sat comfortably on my recliner looking out the window and unable to control my tears which ran uncontrollably down my cheeks burning the back of my eye, there’s this thing which popped in my head which was ‘if I jump off the balcony, Death will become me and who do I really have beside myself in this world’.
I cried and cried and when I thought it wasn’t possible to cry more, I cried some more. Midway crying and wiping my own tears, my heart screamed at me ‘You girl aren’t this’ and I closed my eyes and said a prayer silently - let me live a happy life. I don’t deserve this. I am not 40. I am not even 30. I don’t deserve to have a heavy pondering soul of a person who has aged with time. Don’t do this to me. I wanna be happy.
With my every tear which left came a sense of powerful resolution to be brave enough to build my life in all the happy magnificent manners I have imagined. I have fallen and fallen again and stood up more times than I can count. I have hit the reboot on my life more times than I can tell. Today evening was one of that reboot. The quick re programming.
I can’t say that my times of weakness won’t hit me again but there’s this thing I know for sure that no matter How many times they strike me, I will fight and win because I am not that weak. After all I am my mother’s daughter who hasshowed me how to make something out of nothing, how to stand tall even when every bone in your body can’t hold the weight. And I can never do that to her, take the life which she gave me through her hard work and strong will. I love her, how can I do that. Not a chance.
Author Notes: Today again; I saved Me. I stood up for the girl I know who is brave, smart and intelligent. Who knows better, who has the potential to do best. I saved her. I saved myself.
And I will continue to that again and again until I no longer have to. Because irrespective of how dreamy the idea of someone else coming to save you is, at the end if you don’t save yourself then no one can NOT EVEN LOVE.
So I say; dream big, dream happy, be sad, be courageous, be in love, and sometimes do be lazy but never ever stop fighting your weakest and scariest moments. Because you know as much as I do that WE ALL WANNA LIVE AND DIE ONLY OF OLD AGE. Anything before would be a tragedy.