I want to forget...
By: Fred Liu
You know that feeling you get? When everything in your life is right, when the life you’ve always wanted was right before your eyes, when everything just falls in place and the puzzle pieces to your life slowly connect. It feels as if you can fly doesn’t it? It feels as if there is no limit to who you are and what you are capable of. So what’s holding you back? Fly. Fly. But you can’t, can you? You would be leaving everything you ever loved behind. It holds you back from achieving limits and dreams. But the feeling is so amazing you don’t care at the moment, you just want to grasp it and look into the eyes of your lover. Cherish their smile, the warmth and sparkle in their eyes. You can never leave them behind. You love them. Everything about them makes you want to cradle their neck and whisper into their ears about how much you love them. Every perfection, every flaw, is perfect to you because you are in love. You would build walls and kingdoms just for them. You know that feeling? I think it’s called love, don’t you think? But for every good thing there’s a bad. If you know the feeling love, do you know the feeling you get... when everything you thought was perfect crumbles beneath your eyes?
I lie here, wide awake gazing out of my window. I caress myself and rock to the rhythm of the upbeating rain outside. Our strides are harmonized as the downpour crashes against the window. Thunder crashes, sending a silent shiver down my spine. The grey overcasts are so ominous, I know that they are there for a reason. I think about her...I think about lying there on the hill looking at the same sky as I am right now. I remember telling her to close her eyes as I leaned in to kiss her. I remember the shimmering sun shining down on our love, the birds chirping their own love song as they see us holding hands. I remember looking into each others eyes as I whispered, “I...love you...” and the way she echoed my words back. A silent tear drops out of my eye as I gaze through my window. It dribbles down my cheek and hangs onto my chin. The tear is like my love, hanging on for dear life. I close my eyes and my world falls silent. I don’t hear anything but her giggle and the funny way she talks. The tear releases and splashes against the cold wooden floor. I open my eyes and the sound comes back. Make it stop I want to scream while four more tears pour out of my red eyes. I cry and cry and look back into the sky. The sun is rising and oh my, what a beautiful creation God has created. My eyelids grow heavy as I whisper to myself, “She still loves me...” But I don’t finish, stopping at “she still loves..” before falling asleep. The echo of the walls finish my sentence for me... “she still loves him”.
I woke up at 10 and I crawl out of bed as I go to brush my teeth. I look in my cracked mirror and in myself I see you and I drop my toothbrush. I crumble onto the ground and I stare at the ground. Everywhere I look reminds me of you. What is it that made me love you so much? What is it that makes me wide awake at 4 a.m. thinking about what I could have done better to make you happy? Was it the way you loved me like no one else did? Was it the way you smiled as I told you cheesy pick up lines? Or was it just the way I thought what we had would last forever? Here I am trying to let go of you, trying to make you my past and let you know I forgot about you. But I can’t, everywhere I look there is something you left. Your smile echoes around the sun’s rays your skip is re-enacted in the way the little children play hop scotch. I just want to hold you one last time and remember what you smell like. No. Stop. I’m trying to forget about you. I tremble as I breathe and I close my eyes once more as another tear slips from the cracks of my eye.
Here I am, ready to apply for a job. I’m ready to move on, it’s what I’ve been trying to do for the past 3 months. Is this really happening? Yes this is happening I tell myself as the recipient calls my name to come up. I stand up, straighten my tie, and take three deep shaky breaths. I walk in the room and immediately feel welcome. I sit in the chair and the man across me asks me simple questions. “Where are you from? What are your interests? Can I see your resume?” I answer those with ease and confidence. But then he asked me, “Have you ever been in a relationship, and if so how long?” I’m speechless. The wind from the window sends needles up and down my spine. A flashback of everything we had runs through my mind. I faintly hear the man calling my name but I don’t answer him, all I hear is the sound of the pouring rain that night. I wanted to answer the man but I realized I’m not ready to move on. I scramble out of the office and run into my car. I bang my head against the wheel. I cup my head into my ice cold hands and I don’t make a sound, but the silent rain drop from my eyes say everything.
An ice cold beer is in my hand as I try to drink away my pain. Two and a half men is playing across the television but I don’t pay attention to that. All I pay attention to is what is playing in my head. I’m replaying the scenes of how we met, of how quickly we clicked, how everyone told us we wouldn’t last. Boy that makes me smile. I’m smiling because I know you’re probably having a better life than me and you probably already found a new lover. But as long as we look into the same sky at night and see the same moon, I’ll be satisfied because I know that you will be thinking about me and me about you too. We promised remember?
Every few months I’ll get out of bed and get onto my email. I would write pages about you, about why I loved you and how much you meant to me and my mouse would hover over send. But I would discard the draft and I’d remember the same last three words I did for every email. “I miss you”. You know, life isn’t about dwelling on the past is it? It’s about moving on but damn it’s hard isn’t it? Forgetting about someone or something that meant a lot to you is the closest thing I know to impossible. Imagine walking past someone you knew in the halls. How much would your heart hurt, knowing you have to ignore them but secretly you know their darkest secrets. My heart isn’t very strong, but it’s strong enough to know that maybe moving on is the best. So here I am, trying again. I am going to forget you one day. I will make myself make sure of it. I stand in the halls hoping that the man in the door will let me into college. It’s my chance for a fresh start.
It’s my first day of college. Here I am in the lecture hall. I stand here and slowly look around. Instead of seeing walls and seats, I’m seeing my life. In the tiny glimpse of my slow turn I see you, no, I see us. That’s all it takes for me to realize that I’m happy. For the first time in the past year, I’ve gotten you into the back of my head. All of us takes our seats as the professor comes in. He tells us good morning and class has begun. In the middle of writing notes I glance up looking around and there in the corner, I see you. I see you taking peeks at me. My heart is pumping a lot faster and the blood drains from my face. No. That isn’t you. I shake my head and look again and the mist of you is gone. But underneath the mist is a different girl. She was beautiful. My heart is pumping underneath my veins, she sees me staring and gives me a little wave and grins. Her crystal blue eyes reminded me of the time we went on the beach looking for seashells and her beautiful silky brown hair reminded me of the way you would flip yours. And then it hit me. For the first time in a while, my heart sparked.
She reminds me so much of you. The little things she’d try to do to make me happy was just you all over again. She was a wonderful girl but maybe getting over someone takes longer than I thought, so I let her go. She cried and cried but I whispered, “It’s not you...it’s me silly”. With that, I took my coat and left. I stood in the rain waiting for my cab. I stepped in a puddle and muttered a swear word as my sock got soaked. But there was something in the puddle. I retraced my steps and sure enough, in the water was a little girl’s doll. I finally understood why the dolls had such intense, cold eyes. They were forever heartbroken. Imagine being with a little girl for 6 years, and then just being tossed in the trash without any good byes muttered. I picked it up and promised that I would find it a home. A tiny rain droplet splashed the tip of my nose and for once I could see the world through my eyes and not yours.
I’m typing a seven page essay for english and decided to go on my facebook. In my mutual friends I saw your name. I want you gone in my life, why are you still here? When can I finally hear your name without losing a piece of my heart? I just want to know how long I have to wait to finally let you go.
I’m still awake in bed and I can’t sleep so I decided to do something that we used to do. I crawled out my window and sat there on my roof. I looked up into the night sky and saw the little stars shining the way for the newcomers. Before, I would match every star to a reason why I loved you, now I would match every star to a reason why I’m glad you’re gone. Before, I would run out of stars, but now I would have too many. I sigh and the fresh, cold air pricks my skin as if pinching me to wake up and face life but as the goosebumps slowly crawl up my body I fall asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock. Its 6:40 A.M. and I have to get ready for work. I get up and go into the kitchen. There, in the kitchen is standing a woman. That woman is my wife. I hug her and I cradle her stomach knowing that in 8 months I’ll be a daddy. I whisper into her ear I love her. She smiles and her emerald colored eyes gaze into my soul as she kisses me on the lips. I get into my subaru and I think about the last 10 years. It’s been so hard to forget about you, but here I am, with a beautiful wife and family. I’ve defeated the odds and I’m here now
living a new life, making money and finally being able to love again. But I couldn’t have done this without you, so wherever you are now I want to thank you. Thank you. I want everyone who’s reading this to know that life gets better. No matter where you are right now, or what situation you are facing life gets better I promise. I start my engine and I’m off to work.
Take a moment and bare with me. Come here reader, hold my hand. I’m going to tell you a story. This story is about a boy who thought he loved a girl. But the girl never loved him the way he loved her. He was heartbroken but he rebuilt his life. It took him 10 years, but the time payed off and here he, with people that loved him and people that accepted him for who he is. Do you know who that boy is? That boy is me and I am here to tell you everything gets better with time. If you’re struggling just take a deep breathe and think about my story.
I get off at 6:00 P.M. and I’m the second highest boss in my company. I can’t help but smile at how silly I was crying over you or how dumb I was to think that we were forever. I get back into my car and I’m ready to go home to see my wife. I start the engine and I close my eyes thinking about how much I’ve accomplished without you.
I was halfway home when I remembered that I forgot my anniversary gift at work. Now I had to go back. Making a U- turn I didn’t hear the semi-truck as it roared to a stop. Time stopped and I looked at the truck. Its bright lights stung my eyes and all I heard was the crash of my window and seeing my own blood splatter against the cold shattered glass. Before I forgot everything, my life flashed before my eyes and the last thing I saw were us. Me and you on the carousel telling each other our secrets and a tear dropped from eye and I realized, it was you. It was you all along. Then my world shook and the lights went out. Why? Why couldn’t this have a happy ending? Because life rarely has a happy ending. Let me ask you again reader, do you know that feeling you get when you thought everything was perfect...but it crumbles beneath your eyes? I do, it’s called heartbreak.
Maybe it was us all along. Maybe I didn’t forget. Maybe I don’t want to forget the fact that...
I always loved you...