I Won't Tell You

I miss you. You’re in the hospital, trying to get better and all I can think about is you.

I care about you and it hurts like hell. It hurts because while I know you care about me, and I know you like me, I know you don’t love me. And so I won’t tell you.

I won’t tell you how for a whole day, I thought you had killed yourself and I wanted to cut and to smoke and to drink and I still want to. I’m trying so hard not to.

I won’t tell you about how I got so high I couldn’t think, just so I couldn’t think about you

I won’t tell you how I want to tell you every detail about my entire life because I want you to know. I won’t tell you I cut.

I won’t tell you how I hate your father for tossing you your pills, for saying “have fun”.

I won’t tell you how I blame myself for not taking you to the hospital. I saw your hands shake and you told me you were seeing things that weren’t there, you told me what you’d done.

So I won’t tell you how you cried into my chest and how you said you wanted to die, because I could never tell you that I wanted to die with you.

I won’t tell you all the things I’m scared to say, because then you’ll leave. You will realize that I’m not worth it and that you’re too good for me. And for those reasons and so many others..……

I won’t tell you, I love you.

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