I feel her eyes tracing my face, going over every wrinkle and mole and eyelash. I’m scrutinized- a ten-legged octopus in a glass, and I haven’t any ink to hide in. I’m without diversions or safety nets. I cannot escape her eyes. I’m aware of each time I reach to bite a nail, or scratch my neck, or bounce my legs. I will myself to be contained, to be emotionless, even though I know she’s tracking every strategy I try. My fingers lace together. I can feel my pulse between my palms, a frantic rhythm that I can almost hear. I look down, feign interest in a hang-nail that I created myself. I know she sees the ripped and torn skin near my nails, shredded by my teeth, the tender redness. She’s categorizing why I bit my skin like that, why I stuttered on that certain word, why I have to look away from her focused face and get myself together. She’s determined, and I’m determined to cower behind my eyes and my mouth. Has she caught me in a lie? Is she tracking when I lie, what I lied about, and what that lie means? I pay more attention to the words I let out of my mouth, and I slow and steady my voice. I joke. I nod enthusiastically. I shake my head. I form a living robot of myself, and will it to reveal snippets, only bits and pieces. Enough for her notes and her head, enough that she can’t see into mine. She will never know me as I know I am. She will catch on eventually, and she will give up on me. She’ll resign to the fact that I am impossible. She will think about me with worry and disappointment, and I will think of her with guilt and triumph. It feels wrong to know this ahead of her, ahead of the professional who’s trying desperately to understand. It’ll be better for her, and I will be able to keep biting my skin and slowly tearing it away. I will be able to ruin myself with my own hands. I will be successful.
Author Notes: Any comments/suggestions are always appreciated! This was from a prompt of, "Your narrator is being watched, but they know." This prompt was from the Creative Writing Prompts on writersdigest.com if you want to see what they have to offer :)
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United States • 18 years old