It's almost 3 in the morning and I can't fall back to sleep. I'm trying to be careful not to wake him up. He looks so peaceful in his sleep. I think it's his work which is exhausting him. He loves what he does. He is great at it. I couldn't be more proud than I already am. I turn quietly to look at him and suddenly I've overcome with this sudden urge to touch his calm face. Yea that's a terrible idea. As I look at this smart and kind man , i wonder what is it that's keeping me up and stealing my sleep. Isn't this not what i had always wanted? Love. Then what's missing? Why I'm so restless. I take few deep breaths and step out of bed worried about waking him up.
I stare at my laptop screen which is sitting on my desk. As I take my place , I started to think of all that has gotten me here. Things, people, gain and my losses. It's overwhelming. I'm grateful for everything. I've a wonderful sibling and cousins are my closest to friends and now I've him. I'm loved. And all the love which I had given feels coming back to me Then why am I up this late? Why?
The moment I was about to leave to get tea and a book to read myself to sleep, I heard his footsteps. I turn around and there he is. Looking at me in a confused manner. He walks upto me and I smile back. He takes a seat beside me and asks 'Why are you sitting here at the dead of night'. I don't know what to tell him so I stick to the truth 'I couldn't sleep. Sorry to woke you up'. And he looks for a 15 seconds or so and gets on his serious expression which kinaa of makes me feel silly and says 'You don't need to apologise. But why didn't you wake me up' and then his follow ups 'is something bothering you?', 'Are you feeling ok?', 'Is it something with your work?' , 'Tell me'
I study him as he asks me questions one after the other and feel so overjoyed. Why do I let myself get into this sunken mood when I've this amazing man right beside me who is so concerned about me. I kinaa of feel stupid and relate to that 25 year old me whom I don't like very much. She was smart yet so naive and impulsive and brooding. I don't want to be her again. I'm happy now.
He looks worryingly at my no response. I touch his hand to assure him that I'm all ok. It just bad night and that's all. After my repeaded assurance, he doesn't look fully convinced. He gets comfortable beside me on the couch and starts reading my favourite fiction. Yea he does tells me how jealous he gets when i speak so fondly of my fictional love. But I know it's too late. I feel terrible to have burdened him with my unknown cause to restlessness. I know he wouldn't leave unless he sees me tucked inside the comforter. I half smile and drag him to bed with me. It's going to be a long day. I've already decided on to treat him with his favourite cuisine. I probably have to come back home before he does. I love coming home to him everyday. That's the best part about being in love with him. He makes everything so easy that most of the times I forget about the most important absence from my life. He is love. I just hope he feels the same. I hope I've made his life all about smiles in greater percentage.
It's just after half past three in the morning and I suddenly wake up to not find her in bed. I sit up and she is no where in the room. I hurriedly get down to look for her and there she is , staring at her screen. Sometimes she does scares me. As I take step towards her , i see her with that smile. I've seen that smile before. It isn't new to me. And that's how I know She is thinking something. I wonder what that is. Swore! If ever I get face to face with her those particular thoughts , I'll murder them mercilessly. They will deserve it for making my sweet here so worried. Anyway , I take a seat beside her and asks her what is it that's keeping her up. I lost her for minutes there and when she comes back from her lane she tries assuring me that it's nothing. But I know too well now that it's always something. I just wish she would just tell me. I wish she would just leave it to me and let me help her sort it out. She is so unbelievably sweet and generous and kind. I wish I could see her more happy. I hope it's not me. I at times gets so worked up thinking maybe she isn't as happy as I wish she was with me. I hope that's not the case.
She really wants me to believe that it's nothing. I know that because she just touched my hand. She always does that when she needs me to get convinced on something. So I play along. I don't want to upset her more. I'll give her space for now in this moment. I see she is holding her favourite book. Of all the things she reads, her favourite is a fiction book. No kidding! Sometimes I feel that I'm competing with her most lovable fictional character Matt. Good Lord ! He makes me feel like a jealous teenage boy again. I wanna tell him that hey Matt ! She is mine.
She has a warm heart and oh how I love her. She drag me to bed after that. Didn't let me read to her. And I can see in her eyes that she is planning on to make it up to me. I wanna tell her that she doesn't need to. But I guess I will just let her do it. It will keep her away from wondering lanes in her mind. And now I need to put a reminder so I'm back home in time as her. Because honestly, she can't put food together. Cooking isn't her strongest thing even though she tries. And I, well like a great man I'm to my nicest woman I wouldn't want her to go alone on something she isn't fully prepped.
Author Notes: Love is beautiful if only you get lucky to come by one. Hope you do. And so does I.