In My Head. . .

Before I talk about my school life I'll talk about the worst part of being alive right now.

It's the hope that kills.... not the sadness and thoughts....

-Elrond

Well you would say right now "it's because of hope you're here right now" or "you've never trully hoped if you've never tried to grasp what you hope for" well I am here... no... I am like this because of hope... they say it's good to hope for something

But in many cases it isn't well when I was a kid I always knew I was different from everyone but I knew I belong somewhere but right now... I now I never did belong anywhere and neverwill

Hello my name is john I am a person who suffers because of his own thoughts and feelings before I talk about my school life it's best to know what's happening inside

When I was young I tried looking for people who are compatible with my thoughts and people I could trust well guess what I never found them

well right now you would say "just stop picking your friends just be yourself" or "just go with the flow" the people who you want me to befriend are people I could never trust and just go with the flow?

What do you do if the tides flow is forcing you to drown not even trying to help you float but the people around you are floating freely smiling and swimming everywhere well what do you when you are drowning you try to swim right well that's what I did, did I float or reach the surface... no I just sank deeper... the harder I hoped to reach the top the harder I tried but did it work... no it just got deeper I tried to feel the bottom so that I can boost myself up

But by the time I realised there was no bottom so I tried swimming upward once more but all I could see was dim light I was already at the lowest point so I tried again... and again... and again slowly drowning slipping thinking if I breath in the water in I might be able to breath atleast for abit

But not yet hoped and tried to reach the top swimming but the current pushed me further into a deep ocean where I was the only one drowning, suffocating but I could feel the ocean the tide watching... me seep in the water watching me drown the water filled my lungs I drowned when I drowned I died inside

When I drowned I started to float but not on my own I was floating because of the ocean at first I thought it had mercy but I was once again engulfed in to the ocean, this happened over... and over... and over again till I gave up I rather breath in the water than go back up to feel "hopeful" then sink and be submerged again so thats what I did I drowned myself

"When a man is tortured he would rather die than be tormented again and again but soon he gives up and either becomes numb and unfeeling with everthing around him but the torturers don't kill him but return him but he is no longer the same person now he is indifferent or he loses his mind and starts biting and spitting and the torturers start to laugh and send him out but he instantly gets locked in an asylum and he stays there forever."

-Elrond

The difference of the two one longs for his death and the other loses it and is seen as a psycho by everyone around him but they both tried to escape or "hope" for death.

Then some people will say "just bury your bad thoughts and demons in the back of your mind" well I tried that... it was even worse than the ocean because atleast the ocean brings you up at times

Well I started digging a grave... a very deep grave I put a gravestone saying "bad thoughts and demons" and below it said "goodbye"

I dug and dug the grave I felt tired at the start of digging the grave though I thought it was all in my head but it wasn't I was too busy hoping this was the permanent resting place of these thoughts while I was digging I realised how deep I was digging this grave... I didn't notice it was a 6 mile deep grave for these thoughts and demons but I kept digging because I didn't want them coming back up I was so happy for a moment... until I realised I didn't dig a grave for my thoughts and demons... I just dug my own grave and there is no getting out... they said "we added something to the gravestone something you won't need" next to the last word...

The last word was "goodbye" and right below it was written "me" I was shocked they brought me close enough to see it, they were alot I saw every demon... analyzed them when I read it once more I noticed it was my own handwriting I was shocked but now they dropped me I was falling fast... i hit the ground so hard the grave went deeper I was so shocked I thought I was helping myself but I was making it worse... so much worse... I thought I was burying them...

But I was actually leading them closer to the inside of my mind they kept on laughing... laughing... who knew the sound of joy was so haunting... I curled myself into a ball my knees close to my chest and the grave sank deeper on its own even the demons were shocked but this time they towered over me staring... watching... then they said I could ask one question and they will answer it truthfully... so I asked "where did you come from... why me?" They answered, but in my head I knew where they came from I just wanted to know if the answer in my head was true... and it was... the answer was "we came from you... because you were different" It sank deeper again but this time it was the biggest fall it was like an elevator but it was falling on its own I had no control over the situation but I did have control without knowing

It stopped falling but the demons increased and this time could no longer see the light it wasn't a dim light anymore it was just pitchblack but at times they let me ask questions I asked a few and I always was devastated with the answers I sank deeper and deeper but this time I no longer I asked questions I just sank on my own I just let myself slip and just sank deeper into my mind I gave up I let them in I let them guide me with their advice

"Don't think about how deep you want the grave to be but think how deep you can make it so that you can get out after digging it"

-Elrond

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