Insecurities

I honestly don't know who you're waving to. Is it me or her? She knows that I like you, but why does it seem that she's so much... better than me? Her beautiful, auburn hair, clear skin, soft, brown eyes, she puts me to shame. But why... why do you still want to talk to me? I weigh more than average, I'm too straightforward, I'm too emotional, I don't deserve you.

Look at you, blonde hair, grey-blue eyes, taller than me, you're beautiful, unlike me. What will you think when I reveal my feelings to you? Will you look down on me? If you accept me, how will others see me? Remember those rumors that were spread when I gave my speech when running for Student Council President? Yeah, I'm still hurt from that.

We're just friends... right? That's all that you saw me as. The first time that we actually spoke, I walked into a wall and you laughed. I'm clumsy as hell, I'm just surprised that you still want to be my friend. You've caught me staring before, will you react as he did? By giving me weird looks? By spreading rumors about me? By painting me as a villain?

I'm not confident enough to be a villain. That facade that you see me paint on, it's all fake. The smiles that I give you all mask some pain on the inside. The feelings that I've bottled up for years. Sadness, anger, guilt, all of them are in there, wanting to explode.

I'm a ticking time bomb that can explode at any time. Emotions that will probably overwhelm you, that will drive you away, that will want you to cut all ties off from me. No one here has ever seen me vulnerable. I don't want to seem weak. I want to be able to open up, but only to you. Because I only feel safe with you. I have friends, but I don't want to seem weak in front of them. I'm their rock that keeps them planted here. I'm their shoulder to cry on, the one that listens, the one who notices the small things, but this just means that I... well, I have no rock to lean on. Will I be the one who gets pulled downstream by the strong current? Will I be the one who lets my emotions get the better of me?

I'm scared, I really am. I don't know what others think about me. Do they like me, or are they judging my every move? Can I trust the people around me? Will anyone stab me in the back? What rumors are there that surround me? Do I actually have the support of those who call themselves my friends? Even though I'm seen surrounded by people, I still feel lonely.

I've never met anyone as kind as you, you accept people even though they have faults, you've somehow accepted... me, a broken vessel. Yes, I'm grateful for that, but I... is it selfish for me to want more? I've always put others first before me, I've never done that before. It could be the fact that I've been told "you're too impudent", "the world doesn't revolve around you", "why aren't you like her?", "you're too aggressive for a girl." These words cut deep into my skin, scarring me forever, and I don't think anyone wants the burden of helping pick up the pieces of a broken person.

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