Sometimes I'm scared of being close to the people I love. Especially the ones I most rely on. Especially if it seems that for any reason they might not want to be near me.
I feel so worthless and unlovable sometimes. In the past, it's seemed like simply being myself was enough to drive people away from me. To make them think that I was strange or boring or unpleasant.
Friendships sliding away, acquaintances losing interest, siblings ignoring me or telling me to be quiet -- all of it has pounded into me so many messages. That love I receive is conditional. That if I'm not careful, I will lose the relationships that are most important to me. That I am flawed, and if I could just be a little more normal, socially aware, quieter, or just different from how I am, maybe I could be cared about.
And so sometimes the people I love frighten me. What if they decide that they've gotten tired of me, too? A part of me knows that this idea I came up with as a child - without even realizing it - isn't true. But a part of me can't help but wonder, can't help but fear.
Author Notes: This definitely has an unfinished feel to it, in my opinion, but when you're writing in your bed instead of going to sleep like you should have, what can ya do?