Hello is it only me am I the only one who sees and judjes everything on how I see things am I the only one who thinks that sayings don't really work.
My name is John and I'm a person who suffers from depression I noticed that when I was still a wide eyed kid I'd think that.
"why are people sad why don't they just move on or don't think about it or they must be weak well I'm an ahole right."
I didn't really care when I was a kid everything would be just fine until I noticed when I was a kid no.... more like I've always known I felt out of place, different unlike the other kids i'd keep to my thoughts and read books alot akwardly laughing to jokes I don't get doing fake smiles, lying about how I know something to fit in the conversation.
And here you would ask "why don't you be yourself" or "just tell them the truth" well I was a kid who would lie to try and feel the same happiness the people around me feel they would laugh to weird jokes I don't get not that I'm stupid or anything I just don't find them entertaining like your mom jokes and fart jokes etc...
Plus I was different from everyone already I was already an outcast in my head and place why would I say the truth If I can't relate or be like them, well ofcourse I tried to be like them or made jokes like them which worked I was able to fit in in time though it was hell to try and fit in like everyone every joke I made every smile I did every lie I made hurt me inside.
Normal people would say "why didn't you tell your parents" well I did and it just hurt me more cause they said "why do you feel like your different?" and "why would you feeI different around your friends" couldn't answer but In my head was saying it over and over saying "I don't know.... I don't know why I can't explain it but I can feel it" it was at the tip of my tongue yet I couldn't say it.
When I was in 4th grade I'd try to act cool and tough and occasionally stupid when I was acting like I was cool I'd feel sick of my self but currently looking back I'm ashamed and pissed at my ownself but we'll talk about that later. I wasn't really tough I could ran fast but I wasn't tough, and being stupid wasn't really my thing I got passing grades being at the top of the class but I still feel like I never did belong there. My bestfriend if I should say wasn't really as in "best" he was the only one I tried to act different for looking back right now wow how dumb was I he would usually steal and lie to me.
The whole time I've known him he has only done dumb things like getting low grades and being proud about it I don't know why I protected him from teachers and people when they would get mad at him I once tore a piece of paper infront of a teacher before she was able to read it, was filled with indescent and obscene things on that paper like b o o b s or other things I only saw I glimpse of it but I knew he was an ahole I knew that from the start when I befriended him I don't regret it cause I've learned from him what not to be... the story's not over though I won't be finishing this today
But right now I wan't to see if there are people who are intrigued by this or relate to this if there are I'll continue the story I don't want people to say that "you're weak I've suffered more than you" so does that mean you're better no... it just means you're proud to be like that don't mind it though I'm proud being like this.
It's not about how it happened to you or who suffered more but its how it affected you haunts you in ways you can't imagine.
When glass shatters it can be put together but when it brakes over and over again it'll fall apart on its own....
Author Notes: If I get enough people who understand I'll continue my story.
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