**Trigger warning: sexual assault**
"Please baby...just once" he said, his fingers grazing the underwire of my bra. "it will be quick, I promise. My parents aren't even home, so now is the time to do it." Laying there, feeling helpless. I always tell him no and I feel kind of bad because he wants it but I don't feel the same. I think to myself. I finally give in and let him do what he wants and then I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and clean up. At this point, I am on the verge of tears because this has been going on for about a month now where he will say; "it will be quick. please you need to help me" I am scared to tell him no, I am scared that he won't like me anymore and I am scared that he will break up with me.
After a while, I began pulling myself away from our relationship because I felt like sex was all he wanted. I didn't mean anything to him anymore and it was causing more stress and problems that I did not need. Eventually that relationship ended but I kept putting myself in those situations. I do most of the things I do because I don't want them to get upset. I met this guy who lived an hour away and we were good friends. He drove up to hang out for a little bit and then got into my car holding my hand and trying to put it on his crotch. I said no and pulled my hand away and then he put his hand on my thigh, and then slowly tried to move it up.
I squirmed and told him no. That's when he got mad.
"Well I need something before I go" He exclaimed.
I just stayed silent and stared out of my window. He kissed my neck and then told me that I am a disappointment due to the fact I didn't have sex with him. On the drive home, I bawled my eyes out and screamed.
"WHY AM I SO STUPID??" "WHY DO I PUT MYSELF IN THESE SITUATIONS?" "WHY CAN'T THINGS JUST BE FINE?". Once I got home, I sat in the shower scrubbing my body for a while. Even though he didn't touch under my clothing, I could still feel his touch on me and that was enough to make me sick. I fucking hate men. I hate them so much. Just when I think things are going good and then its "I want you." "It will be quick."
I just don't understand. I know alot of guys who aren't like that, but some are just interested in you at night time. When THEY are in the mood. Sure it's my fault because I just let that happen. I let them get their way without speaking up for myself. I think back about everything that has happened and how much it affects me now. It causes me to become uncomfortable in situations.
The situations where something even if it is small like hugging, kissing, holding hands, or even physical touch makes me uncomfortable. I try my best to not squirm away. I try my best not to let the past get to me. So I close off, I rarely talk about what has happened. Ever. Because I am scared.
I am scared that whoever reads this will pass this on to the people I talked about. I am scared that I will get in trouble and be told that I am lying or being overdramatic.
When I am with someone it makes me nervous, even if it is a close friend. Girl or guy. Touching makes me nervous. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want to have that same suffocating feeling when someone touches me in fear I will get sexually assaulted or hurt. I don't even know who I can talk to about it without feeling like I will be judged or looked at differently.
After all of those times that I have been in those situations...I've just nodded and kept my mouth shut. But inside, I was beating myself up for letting them do that when I knew that I didn't want it. When I should have said no. Now all I can think about is how it is my fault that happened. And every night I get that same grossed out feeling I did after those interactions. The urge to sit in the shower and scrub my skin raw, desperate to get the touch off of my skin. Desperate to go back in time and say no. Desperate to forget it all happened.
This is something that has haunted me for months. But I have kept it in a box on a shelf and ignored it. Which isn't healthy.
None of my friends knew what all really happened with that friend or in my past relationship(s). It makes it really hard to trust that that same thing won't happen again. Thinking about the past, even now, makes it hard to sleep at night. It is currently 1 in the morning and I am finishing this story with this one note. These things are real. This is a part of my past and it is really hard for me to talk about these things. Sexual assault is something serious and I would do anything in the world to make sure nobody has to deal with it. When someone opens up about it, don't ask them what you can do to help. Because in all reality, what can you do? It already happened. Just sit there and be a support system for them. They trust you enough to tell you about it, so respect that.
Author Notes: This is a very personal entry that I hesitated about posting. This is something very serious and I would not wish this on anyone.