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Junk Mail, by Dr. Philbilly

Junk Mail, by Dr. Philbilly

By DrPhilbilly

One afternoon I'm just minding my own business doing a few things around the house when I realized I needed to go check the mail. I could use a break anyways so I make me a glass of sweet tea and made the walk across the yard to my mail box.

Got the glass of tea in my left hand and my right hand is on the box lid. As I pull down the door there is no mail in sight but then I notice the corner of an envelope shoved way in the back. I lean my head down to get a better look and my eyes begin to focus on whats inside. On top of the envelope there is what appear to be two little bitty eyes staring back at me from the back of my mail box.

Before I even realize what is about to happen a Poison South American Dart Frog jumps from the dark shadows and is now stuck to my face like an Octopus. The feet on this thing are huge and the suction cups on the bottom are like Krazy Glue. I punch at it three times before I realize I'm just hitting myself in the face and now I'm staggering around my front yard punch drunk with a swollen left eye and busted bottom lip.

To my credit I do pack a pretty good right hook but the frog is still there. Finally I grab the body of the frog and try to pry it loose. I got it pulled about four inches away from my face when I lose my grip and it just snaps back in place like a jumbo rubber band knocking me half unconscious.

As I lie on my back with my life flashing before my eyes I accept my fate. I've lived a good life and have no regrets. The frog has managed to turn me loose and is now gone but I'm sure by now the poison is coursing through my blood stream. It's only a matter of time now. However before I die I'd like to know what junk mail has cost me my life.

The envelope is on the ground beside me so I pick it up. My eyes can barely focus due to the effect of the frog poison. Turns out it's just a sale coupon for adult diapers. They sure would come in handy right about now... I'm just sayin'.

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About This Story
31 Jan, 2013
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2 mins
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