Time heals, they say. But not me. I will be stuck with my dangerously dark demon forever. Her name is Lady Bu Limia and I know exactly where she lives: she sits in my veins, rides on my blood. She lurks in the shadows of my mind, in the back of my head, whispers in my ear. She waits in my bathroom mirror, feeds me the bitter soup of dissatisfaction, destroys my soul.
Lying on the ice-cold bathroom floor, I stare at the white ceiling. I feel drained, empty as the Devil’s heart. But I know, in a minute this well-known feeling of pride will wake up inside of me, beam through my clouded worries like a ray of sunlight in December. I`ve made it! I got rid off all this poison that I refuse although my body needs it. Craves for it. Dies for it (quite literally!).
“You are only skin and bones,“ says my father.
“I beg you, eat something. Do it for me!“ pleads my mother.
“99.2 lb1,“ documents my doctor.
“You’re too fat!“, screams my demon, staring back at me from the mirror: “Look at those chubby thighs! Look at all the fat around your hips, your arms! Look at that neck!“ Lady Bu Limia can be strict with me and loving. She can beat me and heal my wounds. She makes me feel as if I’m in control and then she makes me lose it. […]
“Trust me, not them“, Lady Bu Limia uses her TV voice. “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. So throw it up. Get it out of your system. You don’t need pizza. You need an empty stomach. You need this feeling of emptiness. Of being hungry. In order to stay in control. Trust me. I know it best and I want what’s best for you.“
The bathroom floor with its cold tiles is embracing me like a caring mother. Will I ever be able to stand up again? Will I be able to flush the toilet, which still shows my puke2? When will be the next time that I can’t resist food and will binge on it3? And then Lady Bu Limia will make me throw up again?
Lady Bu Limia is my everything. She lives as long as I will live and I will take her to our grave.
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United Kingdom • 43 years old