LAUREL and HARDY SHORTS

THE FENCEPOST

Stan and Oliver were trying to put a large fencepost in the ground, well, Oliver mostly.

Stan was standing by with a heavy hammer in his hand, while Oliver was trying to keep the post steady.

“Don’t just stand there,” Oliver said with irritation in his voice.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Help me get this post in the ground.”

Stan moved forwards to get working.

“Now, when I hold the post steady, you hit it.”

Oliver managed to hold the post steady.

“Alright, now hit it, as hard as you can.”

Stan raised the hammer as high as he could and brought it down. As he did so, the post moved slightly and the hammer whacked Oliver’s hand.

“AAAAGGH!” screamed Oliver. “NOT ON MY HAND.”

“I’m sorry Ollie.”

“Give me that hammer. You hold the post and I’ll hit it.”

Stan gave the hammer to Oliver, then held onto the post.

“Now hold it steady.”

Oliver aimed to give a good bang, but it was no use. The post moved about, causing Stan to lose his balance and slump to the ground. It then knocked Oliver flat on his back and fell on top of him.

MAYHEM IN THE GROCERY STORE

Stan was busy serving an elderly gentleman.

“Now then, let me see. Three onions, a bag of kale, a box of eggs, a bag of potatoes, one cauliflower, a jar of honey, a bunch of carrots and a loaf of bread.”

Stan weighed everything.

“That’s eighteen dollars.”

The man gave two ten-dollar notes to Stan, who stuffed them in his trouser pocket.

“Thank you, old man.”

The man was most offended.

“Hey you, give me my change.”

“Is he giving you trouble sir?” asked Oliver, who was putting things on shelves.

“He most certainly is. He stuffed the money I gave him in his trouser pocket and won’t give me any change.”

Oliver went behind the counter.

“Come on Stanley, give the man some change.”

“No, I won’t.”

Oliver grabbed Stan and pulled the notes out of his pocket.

“How much do you need sir?” he asked.

“Two dollars.”

Oliver opened the till, put the notes inside and gave the man two dollars change.

“Thank you, sir.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Next time, I want you to serve me, not that wretched buffoon.”

“Anything you say.”

When the man was gone, Oliver rounded on Stan.

“How anyone can be so selfish, is beyond me.”

“I’m sorry Oliver.”

“Don’t sorry me you little wretch. Continue with your attitude towards the customers and you’ll give us a bad name.”

“I never thought of that.”

“I’ll serve the customers from now on.”

CHICKEN TROUBLE

Stan and Oliver were on a ranch, preparing to let the chickens out for feeding.

“Get the corn ready Stanley.”

Stan opened a large sack of corn in a wheelbarrow and tried to carry it over to the feeder. Tried, was the right word, for the sack was very heavy. To make things worse, it split and fell apart. The corn went all over the place.

“I might have known you’d mess it up,” said Oliver.

“Well it was too heavy.”

“Let the chickens out. See if you can do that without messing things up.”

Stan tried to open the hen house, but the door was stuck.

“What is it now?” Oliver asked.

“It won’t open.”

“I’ll do it. Get out of the way.”

Oliver pulled Stan out of the way and tried to open the door. It was no good. He pulled and pulled, until suddenly, the door came off its hinges and fell to the ground.

Oliver stumbled over backwards and the chickens crowded out of the house.

RAKING UP THE PAST

Oliver and his wife Molly, were sitting down at home with Stan for afternoon tea.

He wasn’t the slightest bit happy about it, seeing as Stan was the last person whom he had expected to see, after seventeen years.

Stan, always spelled big trouble for him.

“You look like the kind of guy, whom I imagine Oliver to have spent his earlier days with,” Molly said.

“Too right I am. I had to keep him underfoot most of the time.”

“Underfoot?” Molly asked curiously.

“Sure. He used to be a very short-tempered chess player.”

“You never told me you used to play chess dear.”

“It must have slipped my mind,” lied Oliver, who was starting to feel on edge.

“Remember how you used to turn the table when you lost.”

“Why Oliver, I never took you for a bad loser.”

“That’s not the half of it,” Stan said.

“Tell me more,” said Molly.

“Ollie used to be a ruthless card player and a gambler.”

“A gambler, was he?” asked Molly, who was starting to get a little annoyed.

“A gambler, a drunk, a swindler and a cheat.”

Oliver was becoming more nervous.

“Is this true Oliver?” Molly asked in a slightly severe voice.

Oliver nodded his head with guilt in his eyes.

“I never thought you had it in you.”

“That’s just what I said when he was sent down for fifteen years.”

“Do you mean to tell me, that Oliver went to jail?” Molly asked crossly.

“Sure I do.”

“And what for, may I ask?”

“Stealing from the poor, to give to the rich.”

Oliver wanted to escape from the room.

Molly was getting exceedingly annoyed.

“So that’s why you’ve kept your past from me?” she asked very severely.

“Yes dear,” Oliver replied guiltily.

“Don’t you yes dear me.” Snapped Molly.” I’ve a good mind to throw you out.”

“Why don’t you throw him out? Betty did.”

“Who’s Betty?”

“His first wife.”

Oliver’s worst fears had been realized. He was in for it now.

“THAT’S THE LAST STRAW,” Molly fumed.

She removed her wedding ring and placed it hard on the table.

“I’M THROUGH WITH YOU OLIVER HARDY. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND YOU TOO STANLEY.”

Stan and Oliver left the house hastily. Molly slammed the door behind them.

“Well, that’s that,” Oliver sighed slowly.” My wife has thrown me out, I have no place to live and it’s all your fault. There I was, settled down after fifteen years in jail and you had to come and mess things up. Why did you do it to me Stanley? Why?”

“Because you did the same thing to me.”

THE COURT CASE

Stan was on trial in Court and Oliver was, well, the witness.

“Tell me Mr Hardy,” said the judge. “Is this the man, whom you saw robbing the city bank?”

“Yes, your Lordship.”

“Are you absolutely positive?”

“Absolutely.”

“Very well. The accused will now stand up.”

Stan stood up.

“Any last words in your defence Mr Laurel?”

“Yes, your Lordship.”

“Well?”

“I am absolutely innocent.”

Suddenly, two men entered the Court. One was tall, the other short.

“Wait your Lordship,” the tall man said.

“What is the meaning of this intrusion?” the judge asked. “Can’t you two see that a trial is taking place?”

“Yes, your Lordship, but you’ve got the wrong man.”

Murmurs spread around the Courtroom.

“I saw the witness here rob the bank,” the shorter man said. “I tried to catch him, but he got away.”

“I saw it all your Lordship,” said the taller man.

“Is this true Mr Hardy?” the judge asked.

Oliver slowly nodded his head in guilt.

“Yes, your Lordship.”

“Very well,” said the judge. “Mr Laurel may be discharged.”

Stan was removed and Oliver put in his place.

“Oliver Hardy, I sentence you for robbing the city bank. You will spend the next twelve years in jail.”

THE ICE CREAM PARLOUR

Stan and Oliver were walking along a high street, when they came to an ice cream parlour.

Several people were sitting outside at tables eating ice creams.

“Fancy an ice cream Ollie?”

“Don’t mind if I do.”

Oliver entered the parlour, followed by Stan.

More people were sitting indoors eating ice creams.

“Good morning gentlemen,” the owner said cheerfully. “Now what can I get you two?”

“Two chocolates,” replied Oliver.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t have chocolate.”

“How about vanilla?” asked Stan.

“I don’t have vanilla either.”

“Strawberry?” Oliver asked.

“I’m afraid not.”

“What about carrot?” asked Stan.

The owner was irked by that.

“No, I don’t have carrot,” he replied with irritation in his voice.

“Tomato?” Stan asked.

“I don’t have that either,” the owner said in more irritation.

“Well, what do you have?” asked Oliver.

“I have caramel, raspberry, mint choc chip, lemon, orange, tutti frutti and honeycomb.”

“Now then, let me see,” Oliver said. “I’ll have mint choc chip. What about you Stanley?”

“I’ll have tutti frutti.”

“Alright, one mint choc chip and one tutti frutti.”

“Yes Sir,” the owner said more calmly.

He gave Stan and Oliver two chocolate ice creams.

“I thought you said you didn’t have chocolate,” said Oliver.

It was his turn to get annoyed.

“HAH!” said the owner. “Fooled you two, didn’t I?”

“You sure did,” Stan replied.

“How much do these come to?” asked Oliver.

“Three dollars.”

Oliver got his wallet out, but it was empty.

“Have you got any money Stan?”

Stan checked his wallet, which was empty too.

“I’m afraid not Ollie.”

“That’s too bad,” said Oliver.

“We’re out of money.”

“Now what would someone do in a situation like that?” the owner asked with sarcasm in his voice.

“Let me see,” replied Oliver. “I don’t know. Do you know Stanley?”

“No Ollie.”

“It’s simple enough,” the owner said. “If you can’t pay me, then you give back the ice creams.”

“Oh yes,” said Stan.

“Now give me back those ice creams.”

Oliver and Stan handed back their ice creams.

“Now you blockheads, leave my parlour and don’t come back,” the owner raged.

He shook his fist as Stan and Oliver left the parlour.

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