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Lead Poison, by Dr. Philbilly

Lead Poison, by Dr. Philbilly

By DrPhilbilly

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. The year was 2007, Apple introduces the iPhone, Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros becomes the 27th member of the 3000 hit club, and I (Wayne Carlan) almost die from lead poisoning.

It all started with good intentions mind you, I had come home early from work to pick up Melissa and the boys to go eat at the local catfish house. We ate all the fried catfish, coleslaw and hush puppies we could manage to devour.

It was a great night filled with good food and even better company. Laughing and making plans for a relaxing weekend. We paid the check and our waitress even boxed up some leftovers for us. On the way home we stopped off and rented a couple of DVD movies to watch later that night. Life in the Carlan household was good.

Remember when I said life was good? Well that all changed exactly 15 seconds into the first movie. I remember the time so clearly because Melissa had fallen asleep on the couch and that's how long I had put the hush puppies in the microwave for.

That turned out to be the worst decision of my life. For some reason I thought it would be funny to warm up the hush puppies and drop them down the back of Melissa's sweat pants as she was sleeping.

For the record, it was hilarious... But I'll never admit that in front of her. You see!?! Josh and Alex got involved by waking her up and asking what that terrible smell was. She sat straight up on the couch and at first she was just a little annoyed at being woken up. The look of confusion then appeared on her face as she struggled to make sense of the strange sensation her hind end was having sitting on warm crusty hush puppies.

It took less than one second flat for the signal to travel up her spinal cord and transmit the following message to her brain "you have had a most horrifying accident in your sleep... run to the bathroom, now!"

She swiftly obeys the voice in her head and begins the long journey towards the bathroom. However instinct does take over and not being able to tolerate the feeling that has now settled against her skin, she pulls the fabric away from her legs and simultaneously attempts the "doo-doo walk" while dry heaving at the same time.

As if this situation couldn't possibly get any funnier, the hush puppies drop and become trapped around her ankles unable to escape the elastic band at the bottom. That's when I realized that my wife could River Dance. And River Dance she did, all the way to the bathroom. That woman never ceases to amaze me.

I heard three sounds after that. The first two didn't bother me, the flush of a toilet and then the slamming of a door. I had expected that much. What I didn't expect was the third sound... The sound of a Remington 12 Gauge shotgun being loaded. I didn't see my family for three long days... I'm just sayin'!

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19 May, 2013
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